Quotes
by LandLoverRage
Summary: Sora wouldn't stand by and watch his proud, beautiful friend be beaten down and abused. No, he would do whatever he could to make Riku see he deserved better. One quote at a time.   Rated M for abuse, rape and violence.
1. Chapter 1

My life is made up of quotes. My father was a poet and my mother an artist. Together they were musicians. When I came along they became parents. When I learned to talk they became teachers, and when I learned to understand they became mentors. When I started to make decisions they became advisors and when I became a man they became a book of wisdom. And inside the book I call my parents are quotes. The first quote was the first lesson they taught me when they were teachers.

"_Love others."_

With this lesson I learned to care. I loved the animals in the forest behind our home and the fish in my large fishing hole in the backyard. When I was bitten by a spider in my garage, I didn't kill it. I freaked out and screamed bloody murder, but I didn't kill it. When I made my first friend I gave her all the love I could possibly give, and in that I scared her away.

The second quote was given to me when I told my first lie.

"_Always tell the truth. Not only will it give others faith in you but it will also give you faith in yourself."_

In this I took away honesty. Little white lies, though so easy to tell, often got me in more trouble than I would've liked. I started being honest like my parents taught me, often brutally so. At the time, I hadn't known that you shouldn't tell someone (especially an adult) that they were fat and mean to their face.

Flipping through several pages of my earlier quotes, I come to the next very significant one in my life. My father told me this one when I was around nine years old. I had just witnessed a case of real bullying, not petty pushing, but a full on beating of one child from another. I remember standing in a circle of children, the bully and his victim in the middle, and not knowing what to do or say. I wanted to stop it, but I was afraid of being beaten myself. I ran home from school that afternoon with tears threatening to spill from my eyes. My father had gotten me an ice-cream cone and sat me down on the front stoop. With tired blue eyes, and his naturally quiet voice he told me a story of his younger days. It was that day I learned what child abuse and bullying was.

"_Stand up for others. Protect those who need protecting. Don't walk away from someone in need."_

When I turned fifteen I found myself in a dilemma I didn't know how I got into in the first place. I had a crush. It wasn't a normal crush, as the other students had put it. It was a scary crush. A taboo crush. I was crushing on a pretty blond haired _boy._ I tried to hide it from my parents; I even lied to them when they asked me who it was I was crushing on. But being one of the first things they ever taught me not to do, I felt horribly guilty. One night as we all sat outside on the stoop, my mother playing her vibrant orange guitar and my dad singing softly to the tune of the instrument, I told them. I expected them to be angry, to yell at me, and even disown me. But instead, they simply nodded their heads and my mother told me the quote I hold dearest to my heart.

"_Never be ashamed of loving someone. Love comes in so many different forms. If it didn't, there wouldn't be enough to go around."_

The blond boy and I were in a relationship for five months before he abruptly moved away. I never heard from him again.

Junior year was the year I met Riku. I saw him on the first day of school, holding all of his books in his hands, a scowl on his face. He was the strangest yet most beautiful person I had ever seen. I immediately desired to befriend him, yet sadly, peer pressure got to me. I was a popular teen in high school. I had many friends and was generally well liked. I never experienced a day of bullying in my life, yet I'd seen others go through it. I would stick up for those who were bullied, and in turn, several of them were accepted into the 'in' crowd because of it. Yet, this wasn't the case for Riku. I had never seen bullying as severe as what was directed towards Riku. His albino looks and distant personality instantly made him a target. Anyone with such an odd hair-color and equally unusual personality would. It didn't help the matter that he was extremely poor. So when my friends determined him unworthy of their friendship, I begrudgingly went along.

Every day I saw his face my parents' quotes nagged at me. When I saw him eating government provided lunch alone in the cafeteria my heart would tug in guilt. When I was in chemistry class and Riku would be sitting in the back, glancing desperately at other students textbooks because his had been stolen, my mouth would go dry and my eyes slightly water. When I'd go to the bathroom and find him regularly grabbing multiple paper towels in effort to dry his face that had minutes before been forced into a toilet, I felt my heart beat angrily against my chest and my ears burn. His pain affected me in more ways than I could count.

One day, I'd finally had enough. I remember the indignant squawks of my friends from behind me as I walked over to Riku's lonely table. I was never the same in their eyes after that. We were still friends, but it was a distant friendship. A false sense of friendship.

I will always remember the look in Riku's eyes when I sat down across from him. There was a mixture of emotions swirling in those aquamarine depths: shock, suspicion, anger, sadness, and maybe a glimmer of happiness (or I like to believe there was). I introduced myself and asked him his name, even though I already knew it. He didn't answer me immediately, in fact, he stood up and walked away. We repeated that scene eight times until finally on the ninth day he told me his name was 'Riku now fuck off'. But of course I didn't, I just pestered him more. And slowly, very slowly, we formed a friendship.

The day I got my apartment a few blocks away from the college I was to begin attending; I asked my parents a question. We were on the old stoop in front of our house, my mother no longer played her guitar because of arthritis and my father had long since lost his singing voice. Yet this didn't matter, they made do with humming. I turned to them, my keys to my new place in my pocket and all my stuff moved out of my family home, and asked them 'how do you know if you love someone?'

"You know you love someone when 'they' become more important than 'I'."

Sitting here, five years from then, I'm finally experiencing my parent's last quote to me. A year after I moved out my father passed away from a cancer he'd kept hidden from my mother and I. In her grief, my mother followed. Right now I desperately wish to have them back for more advice. I want so much to sit on the old family stoop and pour out my heart to them, and in return, have them encourage me and advise me on what to do.

I fell in love with Riku three years ago to this date. We had been playfully making jabs at each other as usual while drinking beer on my old couch. It was a dark, autumn night, he'd come over to study with me for our psychology test coming up, but like always, we never got anything done when we hung out together. After debating several psychological theories we were studying, Riku randomly told me he had met someone. I shouldn't have felt jealous, as I was dating a pretty young red-head named Kairi, but I did. He told me his name was Axel and that he was a very cocky bastard, but he was falling in love with him.

Now Riku isn't much of a sap, he is a tough person. Riku, as I've learned over the years, is a very proud person who was unfortunately shoved into situations that hurt his pride terribly. He is a fighter, and damn does he fight, but when it was six to one in a narrow high school hallway, he was destined to lose. I admit before I knew him I thought he was somewhat of a wimp, but I was proven wrong one night when he took on this ugly beast of a man who tried to mess with him. So to hear Riku so openly tell me he was falling in love came as a big surprise. Partially because of what I mentioned before, and the other part being that the person he was falling in love with was male.

I remember asking him why he loved Axel. He told me he didn't really know. He just did. I pestered him about it for the next hour until he finally broke down and let me see a part of his heart that he'd kept hidden. He told me about his childhood, or lack thereof. He told me about his drug addicted parents and how the only attention they paid him was violent attention. He told me about being evicted and watching all of his prized possessions be thrown out onto the street like trash and when he'd go down to collect them the other children in the neighborhood would laugh. He told me how embarrassed he was to receive government lunches and that he sometimes ate in the bathroom in middle school because of it. He told me how it felt to never have anyone say 'I love you', to never be encouraged, to never be told he was doing something right. How it felt to never be called attractive, to never be seen as special in someone else's eyes, and mostly, to never feel loved.

And then he told me how it felt when Axel called him hot or sexy. He told me how it felt when Axel would call him regularly and how it felt when Axel looked at him with desire in his eyes. He told me how wonderful it felt to know that someone _wanted_ him. That's why he loved him, he told me.

And I knew that night that something was wrong. The love Riku described sounded so superficial, but for someone who'd only experienced the tiniest bits of affection I'm sure it would feel like love. As I watched him walk out the door that night, I felt as if my heart was being crushed. I didn't know at the time, but deep down I wanted him to love me.

I didn't have the strength to tell him what I felt about his relationship, though now I wish I had. Now I wish I would've told him that Axel was using him. That he didn't love him and that it was all a lie. I wish I had told him I would love him. That I would provide him with all the things he'd been deprived of in his life. But I didn't. I let him walk out that door and right into the brutal relationship he's in right now.

So I sit here, in the dark of my living room thinking about the beautiful man I let go of so carelessly. I saw him tonight, but it felt like it really wasn't him. He was with that bastard Axel at a bar. The red-head had a group of his regular friends together and they were drunkenly arguing and cackling at the most random things. It would have been a normal scene if not for Riku. Riku was sitting beside Axel, his hands folded submissively in his lap and his eyes downcast. But what shocked and sickened me the most was the collar around Riku's slim neck. I knew it wasn't there because he put it there. It was Axel's doing. It had to be. Nothing of what I saw looked like love. Riku looked trapped and helpless. Axel looked as if he could care less about his lover.

I've come to realize that all this time I've been thinking about myself. _I_ didn't want to tell Riku Axel was using him, so I didn't because _I'd_ be uncomfortable. If I had truly cared for Riku I would have told him, no matter how much it would've hurt him or how awkward I would've felt. Well now, after tonight, all of my parents' most important quotes come back to me. I feel as if I've let them down. Their first quote about loving others I disregarded when I let Riku walk out that door. I wasn't honest to him about what I thought about his relationship. I didn't protect him when I saw where it was headed and I've only thought of myself and my comfort, though I claimed to love him.

Well now I've come to the decision that I truly do love Riku, and I no longer care what happens to me or my reputation. I'm going to get him out of that relationship if it's the last thing I do. I'm just hoping I haven't blown all my chances.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Will you still stand strong when you face evil, eye to eye?"_

When I decide to do something, I do it. There's no waiting around for me. I figure that I waste enough time making up my mind that once it's made up I need to act fast. So when I decided two nights ago to do whatever it is in my power to get Riku away from Axel, well I meant it. And that's why I found myself earlier this evening, standing outside Axel and Riku's apartment door.

They live in a very nice apartment. Today was the first time I'd ever been there; I had to get their address from a mutual friend. Axel must make a lot of money because last time I checked Riku dropped out of college. They live in a nice upper class neighborhood on the other side town. I myself am pretty well off for a recent college graduate, however apparently not as well off as Axel. The building is very modern and fresh, though rather cold in feeling. It's nothing like my homey apartment, cluttered yet clean. Their apartment complex is almost sterile.

I tricked myself into a false sense of confidence on the way there, and as I expected, it sure enough came back to bite me in the ass. I was scared, not of Axel mind you, but of what I might see once I was let inside. But then again, I might've not been invited inside. If Riku was in the type of relationship I thought he was, the likelihood of me getting far on the first try was slim.

I rang the doorbell after a few minutes of fighting the urge to leave. The bell sounded loud, though in reality it was probably very faint. I waited there for a minute or so without a single sound from inside. I rang the doorbell again and got the same answer: silence. I figured they weren't home and turned to leave but stopped when I heard the door slowly open behind me.

"What are you doing here Sora…?" It was Riku.

I turned towards the door and had to force myself to remain calm. Riku looked like shit. His eyes were red and he looked like he hadn't slept well in weeks. I hadn't noticed in the bar how skinny he was, but up close he looked like he had lost about thirty pounds. He wore a long sleeved shirt that looked several sizes too large for him, the sleeves he kept pulling over hands in a nervous gesture.

"Um…hey…" I said slowly, tearing my eyes from his trembling hands. "How are you? I asked pathetically.

Riku frowned at this. He looked annoyed, upset and sad. I just wanted to hug him so badly.

"I asked you what you are doing here, Sora." He said through his teeth. "If you don't need anything, please leave."

"Hey, don't be like that Riku…" I said softly, "I just came to see how you were, that's all."

Riku stared at me for a few seconds. He looked as if he were contemplating something.

"I…my boyfriend doesn't like visitors." He said after a moment. He suddenly started glancing around as if we were being watched.

"Is he here?" I asked calmly, looking past him into the dark apartment.

"No, he's at work."

"Then it shouldn't be a problem if I visited for a few minutes. I'll leave before he comes back if you want."

Riku thought about this for a minute, his eyebrows furrowing. Finally he nodded and opened the door wider. I followed him inside. The minute I stepped over the doorstep I felt uneasy. The apartment was beautiful with lots of modern art and wide windows. It was immaculately clean and smelt like sandalwood. But none of this could mask the lurking feeling of something being off. It felt as if the walls were hiding something; something dangerous, horrifying and wrong.

"I haven't heard from you in months, Riku. Where've you been?" I asked after sitting down on one of the large leather sofas. Riku sat on the one opposite of mine. I would've expected him to relax into the sofa, as this was his own home, but he sat stick straight as if he wasn't used to sitting on the couches.

"I…" He started, rubbing his arm slowly. "I've been…busy."

"Oh, okay. How's school?" I asked him, desperate to make conversation. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk though, he looked so nervous and uncomfortable.

"I don't go anymore, I dropped out." He said after a moment. I had already gathered this as I hadn't seen him on campus the past year and especially because I hadn't seen him at graduation.

"Oh, okay." I said, not wanting to pry into why he had abruptly quit school when he seemed to enjoy it so much. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I decided to get down to what I really came there for. Small talk was pointless, I needed answers. Answers that would help me get Riku away from that bastard.

"So…I saw you at the bar the other night." I said slowly. At this, Riku's head jerked up and he looked terrified which slowly melted into a look of shame.

"Y-you did…?" He asked breathlessly.

"Yeah, you were sitting at a table with these guys and Axel. You looked bored." At this a look of pure relief filled Riku's face and I suddenly felt like I had missed something. Had something happened at the bar that I didn't see?

"Oh yeah…I didn't see you." Riku said.

"Um yeah, I was across the room and it was pretty dark." I said softly. Riku nodded but didn't say anything. I suddenly felt very awkward and way off track. Plus my mind was desperately trying to remember if I had seen anything strange the other night that would have made Riku look so terrified.

"So um…" I started after a few moments of awkward silence. "Why do you were that collar?" I blurted out without thinking.

Riku's hand flew to his neck and his eyes widened in pain, shock, sadness and humiliation. I was right; the collar wasn't Riku's doings. It was that motherfuckers'.

"It…it's just jewelry." Riku said, rubbing his neck self consciously. "Just jewelry."

I frowned. I wasn't buying it and I wasn't going to pretend to buy it. "Yeah right. Remember that night a couple of years ago? We were at that art fair and that old guy was selling all kinds of chokers and collars. You told me you'd never ever wear one of those. That it made a person look like less than a human. Remember that?"

I realized I had said too much when Riku winced and abruptly stood up.

"I think you should go, my boyfriend will be back home in a few minutes." He said, his hands shaking and his ears a deep red color. He was so embarrassed and I felt so pathetic for causing that embarrassment. I wasn't leaving without answers though. I came there for answers and I would leave with answers.

"What's going on, Riku." I asked him, softly, staring him straight in the eyes. "This isn't like you, the way you're acting. Something's wrong, you can tell me."

Riku frowned at this and to both my dismay and delight his prideful streak appeared. "Nothing's wrong with me Sora, I'm fine." He snapped.

I was happy to see that he still had a little fight in him, but I didn't want it to be about this subject. I didn't want him to resist. I wanted answers.

"Riku come on. You look like you haven't slept well in weeks, your eyes are red like you've been crying, and you've lost so much weight…" I trailed off when he looked down at himself in shame. My heart burned at this. I felt horrible. I had just put him down horribly, though in all honesty I was just worried about him.

"Look, I really need you to leave. He'll be really mad if he comes back and you're here." Riku said, glancing at his front door nervously before looking down at his hands.

"Who cares if he's mad? I'm your best friend, I'm sure he has a best friend that hangs out over here." At that Riku visibly flinched and paled considerably. His hands started shaking horribly and I feared he was about to have a panic attack. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

"Please go, Sora." He said softly. "GO!" He finished with a yell. Before I knew it he had grabbed my arm and we were headed to the front door. Just as he reached to open it, the door opened by itself. Riku gasped and jerked his hand back. The door opened to reveal a tall, angry looking red-head.

"A-Axel…hey." Riku said timidly.

Axel ignored him and looked at me with a sneer. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Sora, Riku's friend." I said, more confidently than I felt. I hate to admit it but the man in front of me scared me.

"Sora huh? Riku has mentioned you a couple of times." He said, tapping his finger against his chin. "May I ask why you're here? I'm sure Riku informed you about my feelings towards unexpected visitors." He finished, glaring at Riku. Riku only looked at his feet, his hands shaking terribly and his shoulders starting to do the same. I wanted so desperately to pull him into my arms and take him away from this cold apartment and this equally cold man who hurt him.

"Uh, yeah he told me. But I sort of invited myself in. Sorry about that." I said, hoping to direct the blame towards myself.

Axel didn't seem to buy it and continued to glare at my fidgety friend. "Hmm. If you say so." He finally said, breaking his glare to look at me. "I don't wish to be rude, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I have things to do and I can't be disturbed. I'm sure you understand."

No, I didn't understand, but I wouldn't push it. I wouldn't succeed in getting Riku out of here today, I didn't have enough of a reason to. I needed answers. I needed evidence.

"It was nice seeing you again, Riku…we should hang out again." I said, looking at my friend. He looked back at me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen on his face. I felt so bad leaving him there looking so scared and sad. It pained me to walk away.

I returned to my apartment to find my crazy, perverted friend Seifer lounging on my couch watching porn on his laptop. Seifer is the laziest person I've ever met and the only reason he ever drags himself out of bed to come to my apartment is when he has gossip to share.

"Turn that shit off." I snapped as I stomped into the apartment. I wasn't in the mood for his perverted self right then. I was angry, frustrated and lonely for my beautiful silver-headed friend. I wanted to run back to his apartment and drag him back home with me. I wanted to hold his hands until they stopped trembling and hug him until the tenseness melted away. Instead, I had a horny Seifer on my couch who no doubt had lewd gossip to share.

"Hey fucker, where were you?" Seifer drawled shutting the laptop. Thankfully he hadn't gotten too into his porn as he was sporting a very minor erection. I glanced away and shivered. I did _not_ need to see that, as small as it was.

"I went to visit a friend, why are you here?"

"A friend…" Seifer leered, "Was it perhaps a friend with benefits?"

"Shut up you dickhead, now why are you here?" I asked impatiently.

"Jeez, Sora what the hell bit you in the ass? I came here to tell you about this shit that went down at Mag's the other night."

I was in the process of removing my jacket but suddenly stopped at hearing this. Mag's was the bar I saw Riku in two nights ago.

"What happened?" I asked a little too quickly. Seifer raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. Apparently he wanted to get straight to the news.

"This fucker came in with this large group of friends. Scary dude, spiky crazy red hair. Anyway, apparently he and this sexy albino guy were together or something. The guys started getting all drunk and stuff, normal I guess, but not the albino. Then all of the sudden the psycho red head grabs the albino and forces him onto one of his friend's lap."

My mouth ran dry at this. It was Riku. It couldn't be anyone else I shakily sat down on the couch across from Seifer in shock. "W-what happened to him?" I asked softly.

Seifer didn't seem fazed by my reaction and continued as if what he was saying was completely fine and dandy. "So yeah, he forces the albino into the others lap and tells him to suck the dude off! Can you believe that? I was like are you shitting me? But guess what?"

I could barely choke out a 'what?'

"He did! I can't believe he did it! Can you? Then the red-head guy told him to suck all the others off. Now I'm not a homo and you know that, but even I can admit it was hot. They must be in some sort of freaky BDSM relationship or something. I bet the albino was loving it, he looked like a slut. Damn I wish I could've gotten some of that…" Seifer said trailing off.

I could barely process it. My mind just couldn't fathom the horror of what Seifer just told me. I couldn't imagine the humiliation and degradation Riku must've been feeling. Riku was so proud. The thought of him being used in such a way was downright _sickening_.

"Leave." I said to Seifer, after a moment. "Leave please, I don't feel well." I said before walking to my room and shutting the door. I slid down slowly against it, my mind running a mile a minute.

I knew then why Riku was so terrified when I mentioned the bar. Now it made sense. I also knew then that Riku and Axel's relationship was so much more abusive than I had previously thought. He had basically been raped that night. The Riku I know would have never agreed to something so degrading. Axel had either brainwashed him or was threatening him with his life possibly, to make him agree to do something like that.

Sitting against my bedroom door I realized that I had just walked into something that could only be described as dark and disturbing. I suddenly doubted my abilities to help Riku. Could I really help him out of that relationship? Could I? Or would I only cause more suffering?

I don't have a clue on what to do.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, I appreciate it.

He was the last person I expected to see at my door. I'm used to Axel's friends coming around at random times of the day looking for him. I'm used to the mailman and the local grocers who drop off our food every day. I've also come to expect one of his old flings, Olivia, with her child Melanie. Axel's child. But, I never expected him. Never was the person at my door someone who was looking for me. It was always for Axel.

Sora has always brought with him an air of happiness and peace. He's like ice cold water on a scorching day; like a toasty warm blanket on a wintery night. He's a breath of fresh air. But yesterday was different. Sora wasn't happy or cheerful, there was worry and sadness etched into his sun-kissed face. It was odd. Almost frightening.

I tried to hold up a front at first. I really did. But I cracked, and I let him in. I missed him, it had been months since I last saw him. I shouldn't have let him in, as much as I wanted to see him. I knew it would get me in trouble, and it did. That's why I'm here, naked, chained to the bar in our large bathtub filled with ice cold water. Another one of Axel's cruel and unusual punishments. The only reprieve in all this is that the wrist that Axel broken only hours before now has finally numbed.

It first came as a surprise, but now is a common thought: my life is a nightmare. Every day is worse than the day before. I used to think that nothing could be worse than the abuse I suffered from my parents, but this, this is _hell._ I don't know what I did to make him this way, but it had to be horrible. I must've said something long ago that ticked him off, that started all this. I used to be sarcastic with him, it's my personally to be sarcastic. I used to be very headstrong too, I didn't want to be submissive and I often fought being the bottom during our lovemaking, though it was always good. Maybe that's what made him angry, maybe I shouldn't have been so stubborn, so proud. Maybe I shouldn't have been me.

I doesn't matter now, though. I can't get out of here. I can't get away from him. He has me trapped in more ways than one. Even if I did manage to leave, where would I go? What would I do? I'd probably end up living on the streets and get taken advantage of. I feel as if I have no strength left. I'm always tired, physically and mentally. If someone were to attack me on the streets I wouldn't even put up a fight. I'm just so tired.

I hear the door of the bathroom open and instinctively pull my legs up to my chest. I don't look at him. I know he's probably smirking, mocking me. The humiliation of being in this position almost makes me cry, almost. I won't give him the satisfaction though. He can't have my tears.

"Tell me why you invited him in and I'll let you out." He says, sitting on the edge of the tub.

I close my eyes and think back to last night.

I watched as Sora walked away, a look of sincere worry in his eyes. I wanted to call him back. I wanted to tell him what was happening to me, what Axel was doing to me. I wanted to go over to his apartment and sit on his extremely comfortable couch. I wanted us to talk and I wanted him to hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok. Like the day I told him about my parents, he held me close to him and despite my pride, I let him. It was the safest I'd ever felt in my life.

But I didn't. I stayed there, in the doorway to my hell. The minute Sora disappeared in the elevator Axel's hands were around my neck, forcing me back into the apartment. I didn't say anything to him, it would only anger him further.

"Why the fuck was he here?" Axel seethed, grabbing the rings on my collar and tugging. He had purposely had those put there for several reasons. One being for the leash he often attached to it.

"I…he just came." I told him honestly. I knew he wasn't going to believe me before I said it, and I was right. The familiar sharp pain of a backhand to my cheek was proof of that. I didn't cry out, as this was the least painful of the punishments Axel inflicted of me. I can't count how many times I am slapped in a day. It's like hugs or kisses in a loving relationship. You can't count them because they're always there.

"Stop lying to me bitch, I know you invited him over. How else would he know our address?"

I didn't have an answer for him, so I said nothing. Axel scoffed, and pushed me roughly onto the floor. "So you're not gonna answer me, huh? You're just gonna stand there like the dumb bitch you are and not answer me?" He said, his voice rising higher.

I figured that my silence wasn't helping the situation, so I timidly spoke up. "I-I'm sorry." I stuttered out. I never used to stutter, but somehow after all these years of being with him, my mouth has formed a mind of its own. The anxiety that comes with being around him makes my teeth chatter and my body shiver involuntarily. He scares me so much.

"Sorry? You fucking should be you stupid slut. Get up." He snapped, kicking me in the face. The pain was immense as I wasn't expecting it. It took me a few minutes to come back down to earth as I was floating in a haze of pain. I apparently took too long because suddenly my wrist was on fire and a scream tore through my body out of control.

"I said get up! Did you not hear me? Oh so not only are you dumb as fuck but you're deaf too?" He yelled, grabbing my hair and forcing my face into the nearby wall. I've always been tender headed, my scalp very sensitive to touch. I used to love it when my grandmother would run her hands through my hair. When my parents had forgotten to feed me of beaten me badly I sometimes made the two hour trip to my grandmother's house for some scrap of affection. She was old and couldn't take care of me fulltime, but the few nights I spent under her care were more than I could ever ask for. Those nights she used to brush my hair are nights I will always remember. Axel's touch on my hair burns. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt. Every time he touches my hair, even in the rare times he is gentle, it burns. It makes me think of my grandmother. Of someone who really loved me. It hurts.

I zoned out as pushed me around the room. I recall the sound of the glass coffee table shattering as collapsed against it. I remember the light dimming as a lamp was broken over my back. It was hazy, distant all of it. I couldn't focus on anything and I didn't want to. I was snapped out of my daze however when a glass of cold water was thrown on my face. I sputtered, not expecting the icy blast. When I opened my eyes I met Axel's thoughtful smirk. I could feel my blood run cold and I turned away from his gaze. I knew he was planning something, thinking up another one of his brutal punishments.

I remained silent and stayed where I was when he walked away in the direction of our bedroom. A few seconds later I heard the sound of water running in our large Jacuzzi bathtub. I used to love that bathtub, it's such a luxurious thing. Back when Axel was kind to me, we made love in that bathtub. I remember one time especially that used to make me blush a cherry red when I thought about it. It was my birthday and Axel had actually taken the time to make the place look romantic. Candles, wine, strawberries with chocolate sauce…it was perfect. But now the bathroom brings so much anxiety it's suffocating. I can't count how many times he has forced himself on me in the shower. Or how many times he's almost drowned me by holding me under the water of the tub. Or the time he pushed my head into the toilet like the jocks did to me in high school. That was the most painful. I always feel like trash when I look at toilets.

Axel walked back into the room with the dreaded leash in his hands. I didn't watch him as he roughly attached the rope like object to my collar. I feel like an animal, less than human when he puts that on me. The collar is bad on its own, but the leash? The leash is horrible. I feel dead when he attaches it. Dead, worthless, pathetic and disgusting.

"Crawl, you don't deserve to walk. Crawl like the bitch you are." He stated, with a smirk. I didn't have the strength to fight him, as degrading as it was to be treated like a dog. I struggled to pull myself up from the wall. Axel decided to 'help' me by grabbing my hair and forcing my body over into a kneeling position. My wrist screamed at me and I couldn't hold back a cry of pain.

"A-ax-axel m-my wrist, please." I had pleaded with him. He ignored me and kicked my side to get me moving. I crawled in a daze, trying to block the pain of my broken wrist and several other body parts that were hurt.

I don't remember how long it took me to reach the bathroom, but when we reached the offending room Axel grabbed my hair and pulled me to standing. I stumbled around, trying to balance on my shaky, bruised legs.

"Strip." He said simply, folding his arms across his chest with a smirk.

I stiffened. The thought of sex right then was terrifying. I wasn't fully healed from his assault on me the previous night, or the night at the bar. Axel is never soft with sex. It's hard, rough, and very one-sided. I haven't felt pleasure from it in years.

"P-please I…please no." I begged him, not caring about my pride. I couldn't care. I was too tired and too hurt to care.

"I told you to strip, bitch. I wasn't planning on fucking you, you're ugly right now so why would I. But if you don't strip like I told you to, I might just stick an arm up your ass for fun."

I flinched at this, knowing he wasn't lying. He _would_ do something like that. He _had_ done something like that before. It was horrific.

I stripped as fast as I could, struggling to get my clothes of fast enough for him. When I finished, I looked to the ground in embarrassment. It was so degrading, standing there with no clothes on and him fully dressed, mocking me with his eyes.

"Look at you. You're so ugly. You deserve this for being so fucking hideous."

I've come to agree with him. I never thought myself beautiful. I'm albino, extremely pale and odd looking with silver white hair. The only thing 'normal' about me are my eyes. I used to be fit, but now my arms and legs are like sticks and my ribs show through my skin. Axel used to call me sexy, but I guessed he must've been lying back then. Now I know he was.

"Get in the tub." He said after a moment. I looked at him, confused. He'd never requested such as thing before and the anxiety I usually feel in the room started to come on full force.

"I-in the tub?" I timidly asked.

"Don't make me repeat myself." Axel said, before shoving me into the freezing water of the bathtub. I shrieked, the shock of the water making my already sore muscles tense painfully.

Before I knew what was happening, Axel chained and locked the leash on the bar on the side of the tub. There was no way out.

"I want you to sit there and think about what you did by inviting him over. Maybe tomorrow you can tell me why you let him in my house. Oh, and don't be expecting to eat anything this week, you better enjoy that water while you can." He said, before walking towards the door.

"N-no, please Axel…let me out, please." I pleaded, trying desperately not to cry. He didn't even acknowledge me. He shut off the lights and left me there until now.

The water is not as cold as it was last night, and my whole body is numb, holding off some the pains of my wounds. He's asking me why I let him in. I don't have an answer. He slaps me, he punches me, he yells at me. But I don't have an answer.

I feel him pull me out of the bathtub but I don't give him any reaction. My mouth is sore from the bar a few nights ago and all the screaming I'd done last night. My body is numb, my heart feels dead.

"Why'd you invite him over? Why'd you let Sora in?" Axel keeps yelling at me as he drags me across the floor.

"I didn't…I-I didn't…I didn't…" I keep repeating to him. Sora. How I wish Sora was here. How I wish I had followed him to his apartment. How I wish to be away from this.

How I wish.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Chapter 4 was deleted for some reason, so here it is again. And thanks for the reviews.

Always fight. Fight for yourself and fight for your loved ones.

Today I saw him again. Today he is in my home, sleeping with his head in my lap. Today I am shaken. Today I am scared

It has been three weeks since I went to his and Axel's apartment. After that night, my boss surprised me with a very competitive promotion. My job suddenly turned into the work I had wanted since I first started college. I am now in charge of a large group of people, including several incompetent interns. The work is difficult, frustrating, aggravating and annoying. But it's also everything I've ever wanted in a job. I am now officially a co-editor. My four years of college plus a year of working my ass up the publishing ladder have finally paid off.

Despite all the excitement with my new job, my mind is never far from him. I think of him every day. I think of his beautiful eyes and lovely pale skin. His extremely soft white hair and his trademark smirk. And then I think of the sadness in those eyes, and the bruises on that skin. And I think about how his hair doesn't shine like it used to and that I haven't seen his smirk in years. He's fading, and I feel like I'm just sitting back and letting him.

My ex-girlfriend Kairi, who is now a close friend, came by a couple of days ago and immediately sensed something was wrong.

"Hey, I brought you some homemade pizza." Kairi said as she walked in the door. "I made a little too much."

"Thanks…" I told her, distractedly. I had a stack of papers to sort through and a document to edit. They were due the next day and I hadn't started on any of it. Riku was on my mind again.

Kairi looked me over for a good two seconds before huffing. "What's wrong with you? Come on, I can tell you're upset so don't even try to lie to me."

She was right, and I was never good at telling lies anyway. "I…I went to his apartment a few weeks ago." I said, grabbing the plate of pizza she offered me. She plopped down on the other side of the couch, facing me.

"Really? How is he?" Kairi asked worriedly. I smiled softly at her concern. Kairi is one of my closest friends, despite being my ex. We used to be in love, but mutually grew apart. Our separation was and never has been bitter. We've remained friends, and often lean on each other for much needed support. We are also co-workers, Kairi being an upcoming illustrator, so we spend quite a lot of time together added to our already friendship.

"He's being abused, I know it." I said after a few moments. I told Kairi about Riku a couple of months ago. I told her about my love for him, and how I was worried about his relationship with that son of a bitch Axel. She simply nodded and told me to update her with any news about the albino man. She also suggested I try to get him alone to talk with him. Unfortunately, that hadn't gone so well.

Kairi gasped. "What? How do you know?" She asked quickly, her eyes wide with worry.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "He's so jittery and nervous, he's lost so much weight, I saw bruises…the way that man looks at him…it all screams abuse."

Kairi nodded and the room was silent for a few minutes until she spoke up. "I know this might sound cruel, but you don't have any evidence that he's being abused…" She started, I frowned and she held up her hand to stop my onslaught of angry words, "Hold on, I'm not done yet. You don't have any evidence. If something is going on, which I'm sure something _is_ based on your observations, we need to have evidence. If it comes down to where we need police involvement, they need proof."

As much as I wanted to yell at her and fight her words, she was right. I had no real proof or evidence that he was being hurt. Even though Seifer had said he'd seen Riku at the bar being passed around, I wasn't there to see it. Plus, how was I to know for sure if Riku hadn't agreed? I mean, I _know_ Riku hadn't agreed to that, but the police wouldn't know.

"So…you mean I need to catch him being abused to get police involved?"

"Yes, and what would be better is if Riku himself told the police about what has been happening to him." Kairi said firmly. "How did he react when he saw you?" She asked, the firm tone of her voice disappearing and concern melting back in.

"He was scared…nervous…he seemed ashamed." I said slowly, thinking back to the meeting with him in the apartment. "I wanted to take him away so badly…I wanted to hold him and...and love him and…" I trailed off, losing myself in my thoughts. I had forgotten that Kairi was still there until she touched my shoulder comfortingly.

"Sora, listen to me." She said softly, using her other hand to turn my face towards hers. "Listen to me."

I looked at her and couldn't help a shudder of pure anguish to pass through my body. I was so worried and saddened about Riku, I couldn't help but want to cry.

"You're a good person, Sora." Kairi said as she pulled me into a hug. "We'll figure out a way to get him out of there. I'll help you, you don't have to be alone in this. He's going to be ok, alright? He's going to be ok." She whispered, rubbing her small hands up and down my back like my mother used to do when I was young.

And so I let a tear fall, just one.

This morning I woke up with a weird determined mindset. I was going to rescue Riku, as corny and super hero it sounded; I was going to rescue him. I power worked through the documents I had to edit, yelled at a couple of interns who were slacking, and ran a bunch of errands for my boss before clocking out of work around four o'clock. I decided to go straight to Riku's apartment and demand that he come with me. I didn't realize it then, but my whole plan was ridiculously childish and stupid.

As I crossed the street in front of Riku's apartment complex, I noticed a flash of silvery white hair. I knew it had to be Riku, you don't see many albinos around here, in fact, Riku is the only albino I've ever seen. The flash was moving fast and I quickly picked up my pace to catch up with him.

"Riku, hey!" I called out, touching his arm as a reached him. His reaction to my touch made me jerk my hand back in shock. He flinched, dropped the bags he was holding and covered his face with his arms faster than I could possibly believe.

"I'm sorry!" He gasped out, his arms hiding his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" He kept muttering, his frame shaking like a leaf in the wind. I had to force myself not to pull him into my arms and comfort him.

"Riku it's just me, It's Sora." I said softly, hoping to ease him out of his apparent fright.

"Sora…?" Riku whispered, removing his arms from his face. I couldn't hold back the gasp that tore through my throat.

"Oh my god, Riku what happened to you?" I whispered. His face was bruising horribly in so many places, his lower lip was swollen and his upper was torn in the corner. One of his eyes was horribly swollen and he was no doubt having trouble seeing out of it. His neck was also marred with bruises that had to extend to his chest area.

"N-nothing." Riku said, bending down to pick up what he'd dropped. I noticed that it was several bags of groceries. He struggled to bend over, gasping in pain.

"Hey, I'll get those." I said, bending down to gather his groceries despite his protests.

"Please, Sora." Riku whispered, after I handed his bags back to him. He looked at me with a sad desperation in his eyes.

"Please what?" I asked, "What do you need? I'll get it, whatever it is."

"Please leave me alone, please." He gasped out, his eyes betraying the pain he was in. "I'm alright, really."

I frowned. I wasn't about to let him get away without getting some sort of an explanation. "If you're alright, then why won't you talk to me?"

Riku looked down at the ground, refusing to meet my eyes. "I…Axel doesn't like it when I talk to other people."

"Fuck what Axel likes." I spat out. This answer seemed to surprise Riku as he glanced up at me quickly.

"I don't like to make him mad, Sora." He said, his voice cracking and hoarse. It was if he had a cold or something.

"Why? What will he do if you make him mad?" I asked, probing for the answer. I needed to know that he was being abused. I needed to hear it from his mouth. I needed evidence.

Riku looked as if he was trapped. His eyes darted around him as if he was searching for something, or someone.

"He'll yell…" Riku said after a minute.

"And…?" I probed.

"And what?" Riku asked, frowning. "That's all he does."

"Oh really? Then why is your face so messed up? Why are you so scared of him yelling at you? Lovers tend to yell at each other when they get angry, Riku."

Riku seemed to have forgotten about his face, as a look of horror filled his eyes when I mentioned his face. "I…I…" He stumbled over words.

"I know he's hurting you." I whispered. "I know it. Tell me Riku, is he abusing you?"

"No!" Riku snapped, surprising me with the force of the two letter word. "He's not. How dare you assume that he is!" Riku said, turning to walk away.

I couldn't let him get away; I knew he was lying to me. "Wait, Riku!" I yelled, grabbing his arm. Wrong move. Riku tensed, his groceries once again dropping to the ground.

"Please don't touch me, please…please…don't touch me." He muttered, his arm shaking in my hand. I looked down and noticed that his wrist seemed to be at an awkward angle. It was broken. My heart filled with rage.

"Riku please, come back to my apartment with me." I begged him. "Please."

"Riku, there you are." Came a sickening voice. I stiffened, looking over his shoulder to see his red-head partner leaning against the stone of their apartment complex, his arms folded across his chest.

Riku's eyes widened in fear. He turned to look at his boyfriend, his shaking turning into full on quaking. I knew something bad was going to happen to him. He was going to be beaten or worse. I had to get him away from this man. My heart felt as if it was tearing with need to rescue him. My mind wouldn't rest; it was racing a mile a minute. I _needed _to get him out this relationship.

"I was wondering what was taking so long." He said menacingly.

"I-I'm sorry, I…" Riku trailed off, glancing at me with a pleading look. My poor Riku, he deserved so much better than this bastard.

"I ran into him, thought I'd say hello." I said, looking at Axel. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Riku's staying over at my house today. A couple of friends from high school are coming over and they wanted to see him, it _has_ been years you know." I lied about the friends part, I just needed an excuse to get Riku away.

I looked at Riku after speaking and grimaced. He looked terrified. "I-I didn't know about this, Axel…h-he…"

"Oh no, don't worry about it, Riku." Axel said, anger clearly visible in his eyes yet a sickly sweet smile on his lips. The anger slowly turned into something more evil, scarier. It turned into something cruel. "I'll be waiting for you tomorrow, have a nice time."

Riku trembled under his gaze and tentatively walked over and handed the red-head the groceries in his arms after he picked them up from the ground. "I-I…" He started, his lips unable to form words. Axel smirked and turned away from him, walking back into their apartment complex.

I nearly jumped for joy in my excitement. I had gotten Riku away, at least for the night. My excited thoughts came to a screeching halt when Riku looked at me in despair.

"W-why did you do that?" He asked. "I…why? I'm…I'm in so much…" He gasped out, he looked like he was struggling to breathe.

I couldn't control myself. I walked over to him and pulled him into my arms. He stiffened, his muscles so tense I thought they'd tear. I didn't let go though, despite the curious looks of people walking by or the darkening sky. All I wanted to do was hold him close to me and never let go. Finally, after what seemed to be a long time, he relaxed in my hold.

"I…I missed you so much Sora." He whispered into my neck.

I smiled at his confession, but inside my heart was saddened. The Riku I knew would never say something like that. He wasn't a sap, he'd tell me he missed me in some sarcastic way. The Riku I held in my arms now was so obviously exhausted and broken. He had no strength left to be prideful. He was tired.

"I missed you too Riku." I said back, pulling away but keeping my hands on his arms. "Come on, let's go to my place. I'll make you vegetable soup." I said with a grin, knowing that Riku absolutely adored my vegetable soup. Riku's eyes lightened at this and a small barely there smile graced his face.

I took him to my apartment where he immediately made a bee line to my comfy couch. I chuckled as a watched him sprawl out over the expanse of the furniture, cuddling into the soft fleece pillows Kairi had bought for me. He didn't say much as I cooked, but thanked me profusely when I handed him a bowl of the soup. It was actually unnerving. I almost made a comment on how he seemed to relish the food more the usual, but decided against it. I figured his weight had something to do with it. I came to the conclusion that Axel had something to do with his weight. As sickening as it was, I guessed he deprived Riku of food or made him feel bad for eating.

After eating, I flicked on the TV and made a pot of chamomile tea. The tea seemed to relax Riku greatly and to my utter disbelief, he cuddled up to me on the couch. I could barely believe it.

"Riku…?" I asked, looking down at his head that was resting on my shoulder.

"Please…" He said softly, not opening his eyes. I couldn't deny him. I could never deny my lovely Riku.

"Hey," I said quietly, pulling a pillow from my side of the couch and placing it on my lap. "Lay here; it's more comfortable that way."

Riku blushed and I thought he was going to reject my offer, but he didn't. Instead he hesitantly laid his head on my lap and pulled his legs up onto the couch. A few minutes later he fell asleep.

I'm now sitting here, staring at the expanse of his exposed back. His t-shirt has ridden up and revealed the horror of his situation. He's horribly bruised a dark purple. There are slashes, cuts, and welts marring every part of his exposed flesh. There are small cigarette burns from where someone has put out the sticks on his skin. His stomach is so bruised it looks inhuman, there's a definite boot print on his side. And then there's the brand. The horrible, disgusting brand right above his bottom. It reads: property of Axel. I nearly threw up my dinner when I saw it.

I'm so scared for him. So scared for this beautiful man in my lap. I can't imagine the pain he's in. I can't see how anyone would want to do this to him. Yet, almost everyone in his life has mistreated him. It pains me to realize that this brutal treatment is all he knows. Seeing his body so battered has only made me want to fight harder for him. It's only renewed my need to get him away from this horrible life he is living. I don't care how corny, pathetic, or impossible it might sound. I _will_ save Riku.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry for all you Axel lovers out there, but he's the bad guy in this story. Anyway, thanks for the reviews.

I wake up suddenly. The room is dark, but bright lights flash through the windows. I can hear a dryer in the distance, combined with a loud booming noise. I'm about to get up but stop when a feeling of immense pleasure falls over me. Someone is stroking my hair. They aren't pulling on it and the stroking isn't rough. It's very pleasant and soothing. I still myself and allow whoever it is to continue stroking my locks. After a few seconds I break out of my sleepy haze and realize that the bright lights through the windows is lightning and the booming sounds are thunder. I also realize that I am in Sora's apartment and Sora is the person stroking my hair.

"You awake…?" Sora whispers to me. I jump in surprise, despite it not being a threatening situation.

"Y-yeah…" I whisper back. I can't help but tense, I'm suddenly nervous. What if Sora doesn't want me here? What if he asks me leave? What will Axel do to me when I get home?

"Hey…calm down, what's wrong?" Sora asks while gently lifting me up by my shoulders to look me in the face. It is dark, but the flashes of lightning illuminate our faces every few seconds.

"Nothing I'm just…" I start, looking away from his concerned gaze. "Nothing."

Sora sighs and starts running his hands up and down my arms. It's a very comforting and sweet gesture. I suddenly feel the urge to curl up in his arms and block the world out.

"Come on, Riku. Don't lie to me, please." His voice sounds almost desperate. I feel so bad, Sora is so much better than me and my trouble. He shouldn't worry for me. I can't tell him though; god knows what Axel will do to me.

"Nothing's wrong, Sora." I tell him, trying to sound firm but failing miserably.

"Riku please…" He says, squeezing my arms, but not painfully so. "Just tell me what's going on, please."

"I told you, Sora. Nothing's going on." I snap, though I don't mean to sound rude. I just can't tell him. If I do, Axel is bound to find out and the beating that would ensue would be vicious.

Sora makes a noise similar to a growl and stands up angrily. "I know he's fucking beating you, Riku! I know it. Look at yourself in the mirror! I hope you know I won't believe that you did that yourself!" He yells. He angrily grabs one of the throw pillows and squeezes it.

I flinch involuntarily at his yells. I am constantly yelled at, whether it is by Axel or any of his visitors that frequent the house. Yelling triggers a weird uncontrollable action in my body. I start to sweat and shake, my head starts to ache and my eyes water. I'm scared.

Sora seems to notice this and instantly softens his facial expressions. He lays the pillow back on the couch before sitting on the couch himself. We sit in silence for a few minutes, just staring at each other. I suddenly realize in this moment that Sora is very handsome. This thought hits me so unexpectedly that I can a feel a blush creeping up my neck. I'm brought out of my thoughts by a calloused hand to my cheek.

"Why do you let him do this?" He asks softly, rubbing his thumb lightly over one of the many bruises on my face.

I pull away from his touch. I want so much to tell him the truth, to have him cradle my face like he just did, but I can't let him. He can't know.

"I have to go…" I whisper to him, struggling to stand up. I make it two steps from the couch before I feel his arms around my waist, pulling me back. The feeling is so familiar to the way Axel handles me when he wants sex. I struggle in his grasp. A feeling of desperation overcomes me and I'm suddenly in my apartment, being dragged back onto a bed. I'm swiftly restrained, my hands tied to a headboard. It's dark, my clothes are removed slowly to increase the humiliation. Then he's at my face, and my throat is stretched open. He's forcefully hitting the back of my throat and I struggle to breathe through my nose. My mouth aches from the assault and I use all my strength to keep my teeth from biting down. Once he's done using my mouth, he moves back down. My mouth is so raw I can't make any noise when he spreads my legs and violates me.

"Riku!" Sora yells, breaking me out of my thoughts. I nearly cry when I realize that I'm not in my apartment, but Sora's. I'm not being assaulted by Axel but I'm being held in Sora's arms.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." I mutter, feeling humiliated and pathetic but not caring. I pull away from him after I catch my breath and he starts to rub my arms like he did earlier. I love the feeling of him rubbing my arms.

"You're so skinny…" He says, suddenly. It isn't a cruel statement, I can see the concern in his eyes and I feel touched. "Why haven't you been eating?"

"I…I'm not hungry." I tell him honestly. I've been deprived food for so long that the hunger pains have started to fade. Food depravation is one of Axel's 'lesser' punishments. Breaking something in the house, embarrassing him in front of one of his friends, and burning dinner are a few examples of what warrants no food. However, when Sora placed that bowl of soup in front of me the hunger pains came back full force. I was so famished last night I ate four bowls of soup.

Sora doesn't seem to buy my answer, but he doesn't demand a different one. "Well you need to eat." He says, seriously. "Speaking of eating, it's seven o'clock, what do you want for breakfast?"

"Your strawberry pancakes." I say without even thinking. Let me tell you, I _love_ Sora's cooking. He makes the best food and though I'm a decent cook myself, my culinary skills are nowhere near Sora's.

Sora grins at me and I suddenly want to hug him. I've missed him so much. I miss his sweet nature, though he has lost some of his sweetness lately. I miss his bright eyes and deep but still boyish voice. I miss his homey apartment and his cooking. I miss his warm hugs and gentle smiles. But most importantly, I miss his companionship, his friendship…his love.

Sora cooks me breakfast as I sit awkwardly on the couch. I'm so used to manning the kitchen that it feels weird having someone else cook for me. I offer to help, but he refuses, telling me to relax.

As we eat, a thought comes to mind and I can't help but voice it. "Hey Sora…?" I ask timidly. I don't know how he'll react to my question. I hope he won't hit me.

"Yeah?" He answers, looking up from his food.

"Um…are you and Kairi still together?" I ask him. I hadn't noticed any womanly things around the apartment last night and I can't help my curiosity.

Sora takes a bite of his pancakes and shakes his head no. "No, we broke up."

"Oh, I'm sorry." I say quickly. I hope I haven't angered him.

"It's okay, we grew apart. We're good friends now." He tells me with a smile. "She's kind of like a sister now, as weird as that might sound seeing as we're an ex-couple."

"Oh, that's nice." I tell him sincerely. Sora has no siblings like me, so I can see how this would be good for him. With his parents gone, he probably wants some sense of family.

We finish breakfast in silence, and though I desperately don't want to leave, I know I have too. I've stayed too long, and I know that when I get home a punishment will be waiting for me. I don't want to add anything else onto that punishment.

"Thank you so much…" I tell him at the door. "I um, I really miss hanging out with you."

His eyes are sad and conflicted. He looks angry for a second, worried the next, and finally depressed. "Please tell me, Riku." He whispers. I only smile sadly at him and turn away.

As I make my way home, my nerves skyrocket and I feel sick to my stomach. Axel is going to tear me apart. I can already feel his wrath. I can already see the look in his eyes that means I am going to get it. I can feel the punches, the slaps, the whippings. I can feel the rape…

I choke up as I reach my door. I want to run. I want to go back to Sora's apartment where I know it's safe. I want him to ask me what's wrong and tell him the truth. I want to tell the cops about Axel. Anything to prevent what will happen to me when I walk through my door.

As I open my door I expect to be jerked inside, slapped and punched. I would've never expected to see my boyfriend on the couch making out with a blond haired man.

I feel my heart collapsing inside its cage. Who is this man? Why is he making out with my boyfriend? What's going on? The questions race through my mind. The door slams behind me and the two on the couch break out of there make-out session.

"Ah, Riku…I thought you would be back later." Axel says, nonchalantly. The blond in his arms looks at me with a mixture of interest, shock and concern.

"Um…" I start, looking between Axel and the blond. "Who are you?" I ask before realizing that this question would probably earn me ten lashes tonight.

"I'm Roxas." The blond says, standing up. He walks over and holds out his hand. I shake it only because Axel will punish me if I don't. Inside I can feel my heart start to burn. How could Axel do this to me? After so many years?

The next words out of the blond's mouth shock me deeply and I almost fall to my knees.

"I'm Axel's boyfriend; you must be his roommate Riku."

My throat runs dry, my hands start to shake and my eyes are threatening to tear. Axel's boyfriend? He thought he was Axel's boyfriend? Axel has been cheating on me for…for how long? Does this mean we're over?

"I…no…I'm…" I stammer out. Axel sends me a glare that makes me stop instantly. "I mean…nice to meet you…Roxas."

Roxas smiles at me. His smile reminds me of Sora. Then he frowns. "Hey, did you get into a fight or something…your bruising badly." He looks over at Axel. "Hey Axel, do you have a first aid kit? I can fix you up." He finishes, directing the last part to me.

"He's fine, sweetie. I know you've gotta go visit your parents, so give me some lovin' before you go." Axel says, standing up. He walks over to us and wraps his arms around Roxas. I watch in despair as he kisses Roxas gently on the lips, rubbing his back softly. "You're so beautiful." I hear him whisper to the blond. Roxas seems to forget about me and blushes.

I force myself to step away from the scene. I'm so shocked I feel like I'm going to throw up. I run to the bathroom and collapse over the toilet, letting Sora's delicious soup and pancakes come back up my throat. He called him beautiful. Never once has Axel ever called me beautiful. Never had he held me as tenderly as he held Roxas. I feel so broken inside I don't know what to do or what to think. I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here, heaving and then dry heaving. But then all of a sudden I'm dragged away from the toilet and forced against a wall. Axel is looking at me with a menacing glare on his face.

"It's about time you met him." He says, his glare turning into a smirk. "What, you really thought I'd tolerate your ass for so long?"

"Why?" I snap at him, forgetting that this man could kill me if he wanted to. I instantly regret it when he backhands me across the face.

"Don't you act smart with me, bitch." He seethes. "You see, I've been pinning after Roxas for years, we went to high school together. He's one of my best friends, and now he's my lover whether you like it or not."

I look away from the man I used to love. I feel hopeless and alone. "I…I'll leave then." I tell him. I'll leave.

"You'll leave?" Axel says smirking. "Like hell you're gonna leave." He says, dragging me across the room by my hair. He pushes open the door, and continues to drag me down the hall towards our bedroom. I know what's coming and start to struggle despite the slaps and punches he inflicts on me on the way.

"Listen closely, slut." He says, strapping my wrists to the headboard. I'm so angry, I start kicking him. How could he do this me? I gave him my life, for fucks sake!

"I can't hurt Roxas, he's the most precious person in my life. I wouldn't dare hurt him. But you, well let's just say I'll keep you around to take my anger out on…and my lust." He tells me, slapping me in the face when my foot catches him in the gut.

"Kick me again and I'll fuck you with that fucking bat over there." Axel hisses at me, grabbing the neck of my shirt up, and ripping it quickly.

"Stop it!" I yell. I forget all about what he's capable of. He has just told me that I am nothing. I'm only useful to beat on and to fuck. I feel dead inside, inhuman, like trash. I'm so angry I want to scream.

Axel grabs an object laying on the table beside the bed. It's an extension cord. He unravels it and before I can beg him to stop he starts whipping me with the cord. The metal prongs dig into the skin of my chest, reopening cuts and welts and further bruising the already purple black area. I can't hold back my screeches of pain. The mental and physical pain combined is so powerful I start to feel faint.

The next thing I know, it's silent. The room is dark. I move my arm and gasp in pain. It's broken, it has to be. I look down at my body and grimace. I'm naked, the evidence of rough sex between my legs. My legs are bruising and my backside feels like it's on fire. My hands are still tied to the bed.

I must've passed out, because the time on the alarm clock next to the bed reads 11:00PM. The apartment is silent, and I know Axel has left to hang out with some friends or knowing now, Roxas. I stare up at the ceiling. There's a small splatter of blood there. I wonder how it got there. It's kind of pretty in a way. One dot in a mass of white. It's alone, like I am now.

I'm alone. I'm abandoned, rejected, beaten, violated and alone. The thought keeps running through my head like clockwork.

Like the dot, I'm alone.

And it takes all my strength not to break down and cry.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Shorter chapter, sorry. Thanks for the reviews.

_Keep your promises. Don't let people down._

I haven't seen him in three weeks. Three fucking long weeks. I knew I shouldn't have let him walk out my door. I tried going by his apartment a week ago and there was no answer. I tried again today and I got the same result. I feel like I'm about to go insane with worry. Knowing Axel, he could be dead for fucks sake.

Kairi is worried about me. She comes over every night now to make sure I've eaten and finished all of my editing. I feel like a freakin' zombie these days. I wake up, shower, go to work, leave work, search for Riku, come home, eat, edit and sleep. Life without Riku is so mechanical, so dull.

Every day I think about what I saw that night. The horrible deep scars, the welts, the cuts…that horrifying brand. I can't imagine what kind of life he's living. It's a terrible one, I know that much. It's as if he is a slave to that bastard. I can't see an ounce of love in that relationship. I wonder why he stays with him. I wonder I why he won't tell me what's going on. Maybe he's being held against his will, maybe he's being threatened. I only wish I knew. I so desperately want to help him, but deep down, I know he has to help himself.

Last night, a memory that I had long forgotten came back to me. I never really liked math, I always preferred English and social studies. When algebra came around I was thoroughly stumped. It was the most frustrating thing I had ever tried to take on. I didn't understand it and I didn't _want_ to understand it. My grade in algebra was so low my teacher told my parents that I might have to repeat her class. Now that was something I detested. I _never_ wanted to repeat a class. So I sat down with my father one night, pulled out the big, scary algebra text book and asked him to help me. He did, but I still couldn't understand it, I didn't want to understand it. I grew so frustrated that I threw the textbook away from me and stomped out onto the front stoop. A couple of minutes later my dad came and sat next to me. Always gentle in his 'lectures' my dad taught me something that night that I've held subconsciously in my mind ever since. He told me that he could help me as much as he could, but in the end, I had to _want _to be helped. I had to _want_ to learn how to do algebra. In the end, I was the one who had to help myself. You can't help those who don't want to be helped.

What makes this so hard for me, this situation with Riku, is that I don't know if he wants to be helped or if he doesn't. I don't know if he's being threatened or blackmailed. I don't know if he wants to tell me what's going on but can't because Axel has scared him into silence. Or maybe he really does love Axel and wants to stay with him despite his abusive treatment. I just don't know.

It's around eleven o'clock at night. I have a document to edit but my thoughts keep getting in the way. I think I'll just go to bed. My boss won't mind one late document. I get up from my couch and stumble towards my bedroom when my cell phone starts vibrating. That's strange; nobody ever calls me this late. I look at the caller ID and notice it's a number I've never seen before. Weird. I should probably ignore it because it is most likely a wrong number, but I'm curious.

"Hello?"

"S-Sora?"

Oh my fucking god it's him. He sounds horrible. He's obviously ill as his voice sounds hoarse and weak. I immediately sit back down on my couch; my body is stiff with worry.

"Riku? Where are you? Are you okay?" I grab my keys from my coffee table, hoping that he'll tell me where he is. The minute he does I'm going to get him.

"I-I'm…I don't feel so good." He says quietly. I hear him take a sharp breath followed by a muffled whimper.

"Tell me where you are, Riku. I'm coming to get you." I tell him firmly.

"I'm in my apartment…I-I can't move…the door is locked." I hear rustling in the background and another gasp of pain.

"Can you walk? Are your legs injured?" He sounds so weak and scared I can barely stand it. He's clearly in a lot of pain and needs medical attention.

"I-I think my left one is broken…and my arm is broken too. Lots of things are broken…" He says softly. He's fading. I need to get to him now.

"Riku, is there any way you can open the door? I need a way to get in."

"Axel locked it. I dunno where the key is. Sora, it r-really hurts…I can't breathe so good." His speech is choppy and childish. I'm getting the awful feeling that he's been drugged.

"Shh, baby I'm coming." I tell him, before even thinking what the pet name implies. I bite my tongue upon realizing my mistake and hope to god Riku doesn't notice it.

"Baby? Do you like me, Sora?" Riku asks in his childlike, drugged voice. No such luck.

I won't lie to him. I can't. Plus, he most likely won't even remember this once the drugs wear off. "Yeah I like you Riku, I like you a lot." I tell him, honestly.

"Thank you…nobody h-has ever liked me before." He tells me. "I like you lots…I even love you."

My breath hitches. I know he's drugged, and he probably doesn't mean it. But I can't help it. Hearing the words 'I love you' come out of his mouth, directed towards me, is like a dream come true.

"I love you too, Riku." And I mean it. But enough of this, I need to get him out of the apartment and to a hospital before it's too late. "Sweetie, do you think you can try and unlock the door for me?"

"I-I can try." He answers. I hear several soft moans, and a sharp cry of pain. "I-I'm gonna open the door, will you come get me?"

"Of course I will. I'm coming right now." I say, as I stand up and run out of my apartment. "Do you think you can stay on the phone?" I ask him. I'm afraid to hang up. He could pass out, hurt himself, or worse, Axel could come home. I assume the red-headed bastard isn't there, seeing as I probably would've heard him by now.

"Y-yeah I can…are you coming? He's pleading and sounds so desperate. I try to think of him as a child in this situation, because mentally that's what he is right now. A child who is scared needs lots of reassurance, encouragement and compliments on bravery.

"Yeah I'm coming, don't worry. You're doing a great job." I tell him as I quickly hop in my car and maneuver myself out of the apartment parking complex.

"I-I'm almost there. Is that good?" He asks me.

"That's excellent, you're doing an amazing job. I'll be there very soon, okay? You're going to be alright."

I stay on the phone with him the entire way to his apartment complex. It takes me longer than I want to get here because we live across town from each other. As soon as I park my car, I run across the lot to the apartment entrance. A dignified looking butler eyes me suspiciously, but I ignore him. I race across the lobby and quickly punch in Riku's floor number once I enter the elevator. The ride up is impossibly long, my hands are fidgeting and I can't help but pace. I've never been so worried in my life.

As I reach his floor, something suddenly feels off. It's very quiet, but this is normal because it's around 12 o'clock in the morning. But the air, it feels weird. Stifling in a way. Something is wrong.

I jog to his door and hesitate before trying the doorknob. It's unlocked, like Riku said before I hung up in the parking lot. I look inside, but it's not Riku who greets me. My heart drops.

"Well hello." He says simply, a smirk gracing his would-be handsome features if he wasn't so cruel. I can only stand there. My heart is beating wildly, I'm out of breath, and my legs are sore from running. But none of this compares to the feeling that set upon seeing his malicious face. I probably won't be getting Riku out of here tonight. I'm too late.

"Is there a reason why you're here?" He asks me. Leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. His signature pose.

"Where is he?" I growl, getting some of my confidence back. Riku's in there, drugged, beaten and sick and I need to get him out. There's no time for cowardliness.

"Where is who?" He answers, smirking at me.

"Shut the fuck up with this bullshit. Where is Riku? He's in there, I know it." I snap, standing up straight. It takes all my strength not to beat the shit out of him right here.

"Look you little motherfucker," Axel starts with a deep frown, "Riku is my bitch. You have no right to him. If I ever see your little smartass self here again I will have you arrested."

I stiffen at his words. _Riku is my bitch._ What the fuck? Who the hell does this fucker think he is? I feel a surge of rage build up in me and before I know it I've punched him square in the jaw. So much for restraint and control. I let loose on him, and I immediately regret it. He falls back against the wall of the hallway in surprise.

I just did the wrong thing. I've just ruined my chance on getting Riku out of here. I watch as Axel whips out his phone and calls security. I take off running.

I hate myself for this, leaving Riku behind. I hate myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. I hate myself for just ruining any chance I had of getting Riku out. I will now probably be banned from this apartment building. I'll be lucky if Axel doesn't press charges.

I run down the steps this time, I won't take the elevator it's too slow. The butler eyes me again as I race out of the building. I jam my keys into the ignition and take off. My heart beats wildly all the way home. Thankfully, I see no police trailing me. Hopefully I'm off the hook.

As I enter my apartment my legs collapse under me. What do I do know? How can I help him now? My precious Riku is probably being beaten senseless this second for my mistake. As hard as I try to hold them back, the onslaught of tears come full force. I just feel so helpless.

So I cry. I cry and sob and yell and punch the walls of my home. I kick the furniture, break dishes and scream in my rage and sadness. I lost my chance, and it's killing me.

I finally collapse after all my energy is spent. I try to sleep, but I can't. All I can hear are his last words to me on the phone running through my mind.

"_You're here now? You're gonna get me out of here? I want out of here so bad, Sora." _

I let him down. I was supposed to help him out of there, and I let him down. He asked for my help and I couldn't help him. I let my emotions get in the way and ruined my chance.

What am I going to do now? I feel so lost.

"_I want out of here so bad, Sora."_ And it repeats, over again.

Over and over and over again.


	7. Chapter 7

Life has gotten so hard since Axel hooked up with Roxas. It's not like it wasn't hard before, but now it's almost unbearable. Every day the blonde is over here. At first I wanted to hate him for taking my boyfriend, but now I can't. He has no idea what my relationship with Axel is really like. As much as I hate to admit it, Roxas is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I worry for him. I pray to god Axel wasn't lying when he told me he wouldn't dare touch Roxas. He doesn't deserve to be treated like Axel treats me.

It pains me to see them together. Even when Axel was kind to me, he never treated me like he does Roxas. They go on dates several times a week, something Axel never did with me. I remember him telling me once that I looked too odd to be seen in public with him. Then he laughed it off and said he was joking. I'll always remember those words.

They cuddle and caress each other constantly. As much as I detest the fact, I crave affection. I can't help it. Just a simple hug makes me so happy and cheerful. Axel never used to hug me. He wouldn't kiss me often either. It was always just sex. But with Roxas, Axel hugs him and runs his hands through his hair and kisses his neck and cheeks. Everything that I've always wanted.

Axel is not sexual with Roxas. Apparently Roxas wants to date Axel for several months before they have sex. I overheard him saying that he wanted to see if Axel would wait for him because he wasn't ready. Axel promised him he would. And then they'd made out and gotten all hot and bothered. The minute Roxas left, I was strapped on my stomach to the bed enduring a very painful fucking. I'm just a release for him now. It makes me sick to think about it. Even when he was just simply beating and fucking me without Roxas in the picture, at least I felt like I still held his attention. Now I'm just a whore. A stupid slut that doesn't have the strength to stand up for himself.

Axel has put me on a "diet" again. I feel so ill that I might pass out. It started a couple days ago. Axel had gotten angry at me one morning when I didn't wake him up at the correct time. He spent a good thirty minutes slapping me around, then filled the tub with some water and forced my face down into it. I can't tell you how terrifying it is to not be able to breathe. He then told me I wasn't going to eat for three days. Axel loves to take food away from me. He likes to see me dizzy, dehydrated and sick. One of his favorite activities is to sit in front of me and eat while I'm chained by the neck to a chair. When he does that I want to die so badly. I'm always so tired, hungry and hurt. Some days I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

The pain in my stomach is nothing compared to the biting pain in my wrist, arm and leg. Axel broke them a week ago and he won't take me to the doctor. He won't even give me painkiller to numb the sharp pains. My body is on fire 24/7. I can't sleep or focus on anything. It's killing me.

The only bright spot in my life right now is my phone call with Sora. I can't remember much, Axel had drugged me so that his friends could fuck my mouth easier. I kept going in and out of focus. One minute I felt like an adult, the other a child. I remember dialing Sora's number and praying that he pick up. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to hear his voice. He was so kind to me. He said he was coming to get me and he did come. But Axel got in the way, and he left. When I'm hurting badly, I think about his voice. It's the only thing that keeps me from going insane. When I can sleep, I dream about him. My dreams of Sora used to be strictly friendship based. Not until now did I ever think of him romantically. But now, now I do. I think about what it would be like to be held in his arms. Or what it would be like to be caressed by him and kissed by him. I don't know where these feelings came from, but they've left me wondering. Could it get better than this? Could someone possibly love me and treat me gently? I have to keep telling myself no, even though I swear I heard Sora tell me he loved me when I was drugged. I don't know. I don't think it's possible for me to have a real loving relationship. I've been trash all my life, it's not about to change now.

I hear the front door open and drop the laundry I've been folding. I'm not even close to finishing it as I've been distracted by my thoughts and the pain in my body. I will surely be punished for this. I look down at my hands as Axel enters the room. He told me this morning that I'm not allowed to look him in the eyes anymore because I'm ugly and disgusting. I don't want to piss him off anymore than he already is. I can tell by his footsteps that he's angry and I shiver in fear.

"What the fuck is this?" Axel says tersely. I don't know what he's talking about because I can't see what he's looking at with my eyes downcast. I glance up and before I have a chance to look back down, he swiftly backhands me across the face.

"Didn't I tell you not to look at me? That's ten lashes." I can hear the smirk in his voice. I don't understand how he can enjoy inflicting pain on another person. But then again, I'm not a person to him. I'm just his slut, his bitch.

I nod to let him know I heard him, but he doesn't like that answer and backhands me again. I've lost so much weight that the force of the slap sends me sprawling on the floor. I don't dare try to get up; Axel will only slap me again if I do. I remain there on the floor utterly humiliated as he stands above me. I don't think I can take much more of this. Death almost seems like a blessing.

"I've decided that I don't like hearing my name coming from your mouth. You're to call me Sir." Axel says, circling me like a predator to its prey. I can feel my cheeks redden in embarrassment and humiliation. The past weeks I've started to feel less than human. I feel like a slave with no rights and no opinion. Call him Sir? Am I really so worthless to him now that he doesn't want me to say his name. My heart aches along with several other body parts that flared up when I fell. I let out a small moan of pain. Mistake. I can practically feel the smirk on Axel's face burning into my back.

"Oh so you like that, huh?" Axel whispers, grabbing me by my hair and pulling me up. The pain is immense and a gasp out another moan.

"You like being a little slave, hmm? You like being forced, don't you? You like being treated like shit, it turns you on." He says, jerking my pants down. His words are painful and I try to block them out, but I can't. I have no strength to fight him so I let him have his way. I might as well let him do what he wants to avoid a punishment.

"Take your shirt off and go get the switch." He orders me, shoving me towards the bedroom. I have to obey him, or it'll be worse. I take off my shirt and wince when it runs across some recent bruises.

"You're so fucking ugly…I should just kill you one of these days." Axel says, after I remove the shirt. Kill me? My heart starts beating rapidly and I feel faint. Would Axel really do that? Part of me thinks he wouldn't, but deep down I know he probably would.

"Please don't, I'll do anything." I gasp out, forgetting Axel's new rule of don't speak unless spoken to. He quickly reaches out and grabs my bare genitals, squeezing them painfully. It's so agonizing that I cry out loudly and slap his hands.

I immediately still after I do this. I can literally feel the rage emitting from Axel. The room is eerily silent and I know I'm in for it. He was going to make me pay.

The punch to the side of my face is expected but excruciating none the less. "I should kill you right now for that." Axel hisses while repeatedly punching me face. "How. Dare. You." He punctuates each word with a painful kick to my groin. The room starts to spin, I can hear screaming and I know it's me. It's like I'm detached, though. I feel like I'm just a spectator to this abuse. Just watching.

Axel is furious with me. He's beating me so hard that my vision is blurring and I feel as if I have to throw up. I want to die. I just want to die. I'm so tired of this pain. I'm so tired of being a shell of who I used to be. I just want to escape from all this.

I faintly hear the sound of a zipper coming undone in the background and I close my eyes. Axel pushes me onto my stomach and holds my hands above my head, squeezing down on my healing wrist that instantly snaps in its frail state. I shriek, unable to hold back my cries of pain. Axel ignores my discomfort and thrusts into me.

It's the most degrading thing, being used like this. Axel is moaning above me while whispering filthy words in my ears. The humiliation mixed with the pain is too much. I suddenly can't get enough air into my lungs and my breathing quickly turns to gasping. My chest tightens and I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't get enough air. My panic attack is slowly escalating into hyperventilation. I need air. I need help.

As if god suddenly decided to give me mercy, Axel's cell phone rings. He pauses, pulls it out of his nearby pants pocket and abruptly pulls out of me.

"Hey beautiful." Axel says into his phone. It's Roxas. They start to talk but I can't hear any of it. My body is broken, my heart is broken and I'm slowly losing my mind. I need to get out of here. Now. I don't think twice when I stand up, pull up my pants and take off running from the apartment. I ignore Axel's yells. I ignore the pain in my broken leg. I ignore the looks people give me as a run past them. The broken glass bottles cutting into my feet don't faze me. The darkening sky doesn't scare me. The only thing on my mind is get way. Get away from him. I don't know where I'm going and I don't care. I just keep running, and running and running. I run for minutes, I run for hours. I could be running for days. I don't know. My mind is a jumbled mess of time, pain and desperation.

Suddenly the ground is rushing up at me and I collapse on the sidewalk. I look behind me and notice I tripped over piece of sidewalk that is higher than the piece next to it. My feet are a bloodied mess and its only then does the pain come rushing back in. I hold back a scream. I can't let people know I'm here. They might tell him. He'll kill me. Looking up, I thank god for my feet. While my mind was going insane my feet were leading me to safety. I'm directly in front of Sora's apartment complex. I've never felt more relieved in my life. I stumble slowly to the doorway and struggle to open the door. I'm suddenly flung back as someone from the other side pushes the door open. I fall to the ground with a moan and the person who had started ranting immediately stops.

"Fuck…what the-"It's a female voice. I look up at her but my eyes are so blurry I can't make her face out.

"Oh my god, Riku? Oh my god, oh my god." The woman kneels down next to me and places a soft hand on my forehead. I can't help but lean into her touch. It feels so good to be touched so gently after Axel's beating.

"Jesus, you poor thing." She cooed, while pulling out her cell phone. She dialed a number and placed the phone in the crook of her neck while it rang. She took one of my beaten hands into her hands and massaged it slowly. I don't know who this woman is, but I don't care. She's being so kind to me that it doesn't matter.

"Sora, get down here now. It's Riku, he's badly beaten and needs help." She said, once someone picked up the phone.

Sora. Sora is coming to help me. If I had the strength I would cry tears of happiness. Sora is beside us in seconds. I instantly reach my hand towards him, hoping that he won't reject me. I need him to accept me. He's my only friend. I need him to care for me.

Sora doesn't reject me. Instead, he takes my hand and pulls me into a soft hug. "Hey, it's gonna be alright now…" He whispers into my ear.

And suddenly everything _is _alright. The pain in my body is tolerable, my thoughts have stilled, Axel is not here. I'm with two very kind people and I'm being held in a strong, caring embrace. I want to die right here. I want to die in peace like this.

"Help me…" I mumble into his shoulder. He smells so nice. Like sandalwood. I also smell strawberry. It must be from the woman next to him. They're both very comforting smells.

"I will. I won't leave you." He says, scooping me up in his arms.

"Kairi, we need to get him to a hospital. He's got several broken bones and might have a concussion." He says to the woman. So the woman is Kairi? I'm glad. Sora trusts her so that means I can trust her.

"We'll take my car." Kairi says. "You sit in the back with him."

I feel movement and I assume Sora is walking. In a few seconds I feel myself being lowered onto leather seats. I wince when my behind touches the leather. I think Axel must've tore me again. Sora climbs into the car next to me and pulls me back into his arms. I hear the car turn on and start moving.

"Riku…" Sora whispers, running his hands through my hair. I love the feeling of his hands in my hair. It's so calming and it feels wonderful. It's also very intimate and it makes me want to be close with him.

"Who did this, sweetie?" He asks me. And this time I can't hold it back. This time I have no reason. Axel doesn't love me, I'm just his slut. I'm beaten nearly to death and it can't get much worse. My body is used. I've been raped and prostituted against my will. I have no pride left and no real reason to live. I've hit rock bottom. I have nothing left.

"A-axel…" I whisper back. Sora nods and rubs my back with one of his hands.

"You're not going back there, ok? Will you come live with me? I promise to protect you…and…" Sora trails off, looking into my eyes. "Will you…will you let me love you?"

My bruised eyes widen. Love me? He loves me? No, he must mean as a friend. He can't mean what I want it to mean. I'd be too lucky.

"A-as a friend?" I stutter out, growing nervous under his gaze and glancing away. Sora touches my chin and gently brings my face back to meet his.

"I love you more than a friend, Riku. But I understand if you don't want to…" He says trailing off again. "I…I understand if you don't want to be with me. We're best friends after all…and your relationship with Axel…"

I gasp as the car hits a bump in the road. "I-I just…need time." I need time to think about this. I need time to come to terms with my life. I need to approach Axel and break it off. I need to regain my confidence. I need to learn to love myself. I need to heal. And I don't even know where to start.

Sora nods and leans down to kiss my forehead. It's such a tender action that I can't help but smile up at him, although weakly.

Sora smiles back at me and kisses my forehead again. "That's it, princess. You have such a gorgeous smile."

Despite the pain in both my mind and body, I blush. "P-princess?" I gasp out. My old self would've beaten the shit out of Sora for giving me a female title. My pride and stubbornness would have put an end to that word for sure. However now, it just sounds sweet. I don't care if it's a female title or not, the way Sora says it makes me feel beautiful. And I've never before felt beautiful.

"That's how I'll treat you." Sora says, kissing my eyes closed. "Like a princess."

I sigh and let Sora caress me. The sound of the car against the road is soothing and the way Sora never loosens his grip is comforting.

This car and his arms are like a shield. Nothing can reach me here.

Now I can breathe.


	8. Chapter 8

**For some reason my chapters disappear after I put them up, sorry for the double new chapter e-mails if you get them.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews.

_Don't ignore life's painful aspects. If you do, those aspects will search for you and hit you all at once. Pain is inevitable. It's best to accept it, and move on._

I didn't expect to see him. Well, at least so soon. The morning after my scuffle with Axel I got a message on my voicemail saying that I wasn't to enter Axel and Riku's apartment complex or charges would be pressed. I expected this, but it was still disheartening. The night of the incident I didn't sleep and the nights after that I slept for only a few hours at a time. The sound of Riku's drugged voice kept entering my mind and torturing me. I was worried sick about his condition. If he didn't get medical attention soon he'd probably die.

Kairi had come over every night since the scuffle. She threatened to move in if I didn't eat and rest. We got into many arguments those nights. I knew she meant well, but I didn't want to care for myself. I wanted to care for Riku. I knew she was right when she told me I couldn't help Riku if I couldn't even help myself, but I was stubborn and ignored her. It wasn't until I got the worst headache in my life from not eating did I take her advice.

I tried calling him, but he never picked up. Kairi went to their apartment herself, but nobody was home (or they were and they were ignoring her). I even contacted the police out of desperation, but they told me that I needed sound evidence. And without any pictures of Riku's condition, or Riku himself to show them, I had no evidence. I begged the officer on the phone to at least visit their apartment, but he refused. He then told me that the likelihood of Riku being abused was slim because he was an adult male. It took all my willpower not to cuss the man out, or worse, go over to the station and give him a piece of my mind.

Now I've never believed in god. My parents were agnostics and somewhat hippy and I guess I've taken after them on the religious point. I've never felt the need to go to church or confirm to what the general public believes is right. I like to think on my own and make my own choices. However, now I think there might be something out there. It might not be a god, it might just be some sort of force for all I know. It probably isn't even real, maybe it's just a feeling. But despite this, I know something had to be leading Riku to me last night. It had to be something. And to whatever it is, I'm thankful.

It was painful, seeing him like that. It was heartbreaking and so very wrong to see him so battered. And then the way he looked at me like I was going to reject him was the icing on the cake. I never meant to tell him my feelings, at least not like that. I meant to tell him sometime in the future, when there were no bruises on his face or tears threatening to fall. I meant to tell him somewhere special, somewhere romantic. I never intended for my feelings to fall out of my mouth as I held his broken body in a car on the way to a hospital. But for some reason, it felt like the right thing to do. I felt like telling him then would mean a lot more than telling him when he was looking beautiful and happy. Telling him I loved him when he was at his lowest was probably the best thing for him, and for me.

When we arrived at the hospital, he was instantly taken from my arms and whisked away to intensive care. Kairi and I waited in the emergency room waiting room for hours. I continually asked the nurses about his condition, but they all said the same thing: we'll know in a couple of hours. Two hours into waiting, a doctor came out and approached us. I asked him about Riku's condition but he wouldn't tell me. He only asked me if I could get a hold of any of Riku's family members because he could only release information to family. I told him I would try to contact his parents, but I knew they would be of no help. After several tries, I final got hold of Riku's ill-tempered mother. When I told her about her son's condition she scoffed into the phone and told me she wouldn't waste a second of her precious time on a useless albino freak. Unlike the restraint I used with the officer, I let loose on that piece of shit of a mother. Kairi had to pry the phone away from me to get me to stop.

Several more hours passed before the same doctor came back. He asked me what my relationship was to the patient and I told him I was his best friend and Riku had no family that cared enough about him to come for him. As much as I wanted to lie and say I was some distant cousin or something, I didn't. My parents would have been disappointed in me and so would I. It was best to tell the truth and hope for the best. The doctor considered my answer for a moment and then nodded.

"You can come back with me to see him, he's a little out of it I must warn you." The doctor said, motioning for me to follow him. I looked at Kairi and she smiled back at me encouragingly.

"You go on. I've gotta go to work, but I'll call you later tonight, okay?" She said, standing up and grabbing her purse. I nodded and thanked her for staying with me.

I now find myself beside a hospital bed with a very woozy Riku talking to me. The doctors have him on several painkillers to ease his injuries. He also has several antibiotic IV's hooked up to him as they told me he was suffering from a bad cold.

"S-sora…" Riku says to me, looking at me with his beautiful tired eyes.

"Yeah?" I answer, taking hold of his wandering hand that keeps grabbing and releasing the bed sheets. He doesn't have much control over his body at the moment and is scared by this. I'm certain it has something to do with being drugged by Axel before.

"Do I have a home?" He asks me, before coughing tiredly. My heart hurts for him. Here he is, sick and beaten without any family to comfort him and the man who was supposed to love him was the one that did this to him. He has no job, no home and nothing to call his own. His words are filled with hopelessness. Despite being exhausted, I feel the intense urge to reassure him. I told him in the car that I wanted him to move in with me and I'm going to make him believe it.

"Yes you do. You're going to live with me now. My home is your home." I tell him, making sure my voice sounds firm but caring at the same time.

"Y-you…you weren't lying in the car?" He asks me, closing his eyes and then opening them again. The doctors told me that they'd tried their best to get him to go to sleep without administering drugs to make him, but it didn't work. If he didn't sleep in the next hour they would have to administer them. I would try my best to get him to sleep as I know he hates drugs.

"I wouldn't lie to you." I tell him, rubbing his hand slowly. His left hand is one of the few areas on his body that isn't injured, his right one currently being held in a cast. I'm careful not to rub too high as his left arm is broken.

"W-will you make me apple cider when I get outta here…" He asks woozily, closing his eyes and leaving them closed this time.

I chuckle and raise his hand to kiss his palm. "Of course I will. Anything you want I'll give it to you." He doesn't answer, and I lean over to hear if his breathing has evened out and it has. I smile in relief and detach my hand from his. The doctor requested that I leave the room if Riku happened to fall off, and I sure as hell don't want him to wake up due to any unnecessary noise.

When I step outside the room, I'm met with a young nurse that was waiting outside.

"Hi, Doctor Garrison would like to see you. He has some things to discuss with you about the patient."

I follow her down the hall to a small office doctor's use for temporary meetings. Doctor Garrison is busy typing something into the computer when I walk in.

"Hi um, you wanted to discuss some things?" I ask him, taking the seat in front of his desk. He looks up and nods before turning away from the computer.

"Yes, I do. I'll try to make this as quick and painless as possible." The doctor says, grabbing a nearby clipboard with several papers attached to it.

"Painless? Is he ok?" I ask. What did he mean by painless? I already know Riku was abused and that he has several broken bones, deep cuts and bruises.

"Hospital policy requires us to note any cases of suspected domestic violence and child abuse. In the case of child abuse, which isn't the case here, we are required to report it to the police. " He starts. I nod, already knowing this. "This includes suspected verbal, mental, physical and sexual abuse. Suspected domestic violence cases, however, are handled differently."

"I know he's been abused." I interrupt the doctor, wanting him to get to the point. "I've suspected it for a long time. He always has bruises and cuts on him and such."

The doctor sighs and rubs his face before sitting up straight. "Your friend has evidence of sexual assault. We would like to administer a rape kit to collect evidence if he wishes to prosecute the rapist. We will not report this to the police, as he is not a minor, but I would highly suggest it. And because your friend is a male, I would highly suggest he do the rape kit for evidence. Law enforcement has a hard time believing males can be raped, which is very unfortunate."

I can feel my throat tightening and I can't think of a response. I can't seem to make myself talk. I had suspected sexual abuse, especially when Seifer told me about the bar incident, but because I didn't see the act I put it out of my mind. My heart starts beating wildly as the doctors words sink in. He was raped. My lovely, strong Riku was fucking raped by his son of a bitch 'lover'. Not only is he physically wounded but his heart must be in shreds.

I remember when I was around fifteen my parents sat down and talked to me about 'growing up.' Now at first I thought they were being silly and annoying as parents are. They told me that now that I had started to like girls (or boys as they knew I liked both) that there were some things I needed to know about relationships. They had already told me before what sex was and why people had it. This discussion was different. They told me about break-ups, cheating, liking two people at the same time, growing tired of someone, having disagreements, getting angry or sad at your significant other, and finally domestic violence and rape.

When my mother told me what rape was I remember not knowing what to think. I didn't believe it was possible, at least not where I lived. I grew up with loving parents who would never take advantage of each other in such a way. In all the years they were married, my parents never once yelled at each other. Oh, they had their disagreements yes, but they would never lose control. They would never abuse each other. So I grew up in a bubble of safety. Things like child abuse, domestic violence, and infidelity never plagued my home. So I assumed it didn't plague anyone else. When my mother started describing what rape was, and what it did to people, I felt numb. Like my bubble had burst and evil was on the outskirts of it. I didn't feel as safe as I did before.

When school started back up and things got busy, I put it out of my mind again. It didn't happen, not where I lived, so I pretended it wasn't real. And I guess I've continued to put the heinous crime out of my mind. I've never met anyone, until now, that had gone through it and nobody ever speaks of it. But now, I feel like I did at the table that night. My bubble of safety has burst again and this time evil has flooded in, suffocating me. This time it's not just something that happens to other people somewhere else, it's up close and personal. Riku, the most precious person in my life, was raped.

"I know this is difficult, and I'm very sorry this happened to your friend." The doctor says, noticing my shock. "He's going to need a lot of support. Rape is traumatizing but it can be overcome. Since he has no family to care for him, I would hope that you might be able to watch over him."

I nod numbly. "Y-yes, of course."

The doctor continues, looking down at his report. "As far as physical injuries, he has several broken bones as you already know. Two of his right wrist bones are fractured. His left tibia, which is his leg bone, has a comminuted fracture which will take a long time to heal. His left arm is also fractured, but that one should heal quickly if his health improves. He has several lacerations on his body; it appears most of them were caused by a whip type object like a cord. There are a few cigarette burns, a brand and welts that should heal in a few days. The bruises should heal in a few weeks but several of his internal organs are swollen so he'll be in some pain for awhile."

I knew Riku was beaten, but hearing the doctor list everything out on the table for me was shocking. How did he not pass out from all of that pain? How did he make it to my apartment which is across town from his? Despite all the abuse he's gone through, he is still a strong person.

"Is that all…well besides the…" I ask when he pauses. I don't want to say the word. It's too painful right now.

The doctor shakes his head no. "No, your friend has a bad cold and is also suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. Do you know if he suffers from an eating disorder, or might it be something else?"

"No I…I think it might have something to do with the abuse. Whenever he was at my house he would eat normal portions."

The doctors nods and writes something down on the clipboard. "You see, your friend is about 5'8. He only weighs 105 pounds. A healthy weight for him would be around 150 pounds."

My eyes widen at this. 105 pounds? No wonder he was so light when I picked him up. I knew he had lost weight, and lots of it, but this is bad. He is practically starving. I'm the same height and clock in at around 157 pounds.

"We'll release your friend as soon as we get him hydrated and eating healthy. He's going to need a lot of recovery time so if he has a job we'll need to contact them and let them know he won't be back for several months. He's going to need a lot of help getting around, so it's best that he live with someone while he recovers. If there is no one available to help, we'll get him a home care nurse to assist him."

"I'll take care of him. He's going to stay with me." I tell the doctor firmly. The doctor jots this down on the clipboard and then clears his throat.

"I know I've already mentioned this, but I really think he should do the rape kit. Our examination found the rape to be brutal and it most likely wasn't the only time it has happened. Whoever did this to him needs to be charged. It's his decision though."

The nurse returns after the doctor finishes explaining things to me and she lead me back in the direction of Riku's room. "He's awake again and he's asking for you." She explains as we reach his door. When she opens the door Riku turns his head and his eyes seem to lighten a bit. I smile at him and sit down in the chair besides the bed. The nurse leaves, telling me that Riku needs to eat and that she would go get him something that would go down easily.

"How're you holding up?" I ask him once she's gone.

He sighs and coughs a few times before locking eyes with me again. "I-I…I don't know." He tells me. "I-I don't hurt…but I feel sick."

I nod and take his hand in mine. Riku seems to like small, tender gestures and I'm willing to give him as much affection as he could possibly want.

"Yeah, the doctor said you have a bad cold. You're also on a lot of drugs and I'm sure they have something to do with it."

"D-don't you have to go to work?" He asks. Shit. I forgot all about work. I have tons of documents to edit as I've gotten terribly behind in my worry for Riku. But fuck that. Riku is more important than my job. They can fire me for all I care; I won't leave him like this.

"I'm not going in today." I tell him, kissing his palm like I did earlier. He blushes and looks away.

"Don't do that Sora…" He whispers, pulling his hand away from mine. I can't help but frown. He didn't seem bothered about it in the car, but now he seems nervous and apprehensive. I wonder if I've done something wrong.

"Hey, what's the matter?" I ask him, restraining myself from touching him in any way. After what the doctor told me, he might be afraid of touch. Maybe that's why he's shying away. But then why didn't he shy away from me in the car. I'm confused.

"I-I'm not…I'm not…" He starts, struggling to speak. His voice is hoarse and earlier he was complaining of a sore throat. He really shouldn't be talking. "I'm not beautiful and stuff, and I'm…I look disgusting and…just please don't…"

I was about to start ranting about how beautiful I think he is, but before I can the nurse returns with what looks like apple juice and watery apple sauce. The nurse sets the tray down on the side table and motions for me to follow her outside the room.

"Hey, as you can see his arm is broken and so is one of his wrists. He won't be able to eat on his own until he learns how to use utensils with them being broken. I know you're his friend and you care for him, but he'll probably be embarrassed about this. I'm going to ask you to leave while I feed him. In the meantime, you've been here awhile so you might want to go down to the food court and grab a bite to eat, okay?"

As much as I want to protest, I know she's right. If I were in Riku's place I would be mortified if faced with being fed like a helpless child. As much as I want to stay by his side constantly, I know he needs his space in this area. Being fed alone by a nurse is much less embarrassing than with your friend in the room.

I wander off in the direction of the cafeteria, noticing with surprise that I'm hungry. My mind doesn't leave Riku for a second though. All I can think about on my way down to the cafeteria is Riku starving alone in his apartment. And suddenly the pain in my stomach seems petty.


	9. Chapter 9

*** For some reason my chapters disappear after I post them. I'm just putting this up as a warning. Sorry if any of you receive two e-mails about the same new chapter.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews.

It's been two days since I ran away from him. Despite being in some of the worst pain in my life, I'm feeling ok. I try not to think about Axel. Every time I think of him my wounds seem to flare up. Just thinking of him is painful. My heart aches, my injuries burn and I have to use all my strength not to cry. I will not cry about Axel. Never. I haven't thought of him much, though, because Sora is constantly distracting me.

Sora. What can I say? He's like a modern day prince charming. I hate to be a sap, but it's the truth. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Thinking back, Sora has been dropping little hints about his attraction to me for a long time. When we used to hang out he'd purposely brush past me, making sure our bodies touched and then act like he didn't. He always had this odd look in his eyes, which I now know means he thinks I'm being "cute." He also would do little things like fluff the couch pillows for me, offer to massage my back when I was tense or feeling sore, and run his hands through my hair when he thought I was asleep. Why I didn't notice this before I don't know. I must've been too blinded by Axel's affection turned abuse.

I don't know how I feel about Sora. I know he's restraining himself; it's evident in his actions. It makes my heart feel so fluttery when he does, because it shows he would never take advantage of me. He is so sweet to me. He has always been kind, but now that he's confessed his affections he's become even more so. I wish I could love him back as much as he apparently loves me, but I can't right now. As much as Axel has hurt me, part of me still loves him. It's fading, but it's still there. And as long as that little piece of me still clings to Axel, I cannot be with Sora. Sora deserves someone who will give them their whole heart. I can't just give him part of my heart.

Sora doesn't seem bothered by my unrequited love. I told him last night that I can't be with him right now. He nodded his understanding, but then asked if he could still love me. I was confused by this and voiced my confusion. Sora told me that he didn't care if I loved him back immediately; he knew I needed to heal and get over Axel. However, he still wanted to care for me. He still wanted to treat me lovingly and shower me with affection. I told him I would appreciate that. And I do.

During my time in the hospital I've come to realize something that I had stupidly ignored for so long. Sora is fucking gorgeous. I can't believe I never noticed this before now. I must've been so enamored with Axel I didn't take the time to appreciate Sora's beauty. His eyes are they prettiest color I've ever seen. I would paint all the rooms of my house that color, that is, if I could duplicate it. But duplicating it wouldn't do those eyes justice. It's the way they shine when they look at me. It's the way they soften in concern when I'm sad. It's the way they burn in anger when his hands run over my scars. Sora's eyes are breathtakingly stunning. Then there is his wild brunette hair. When I first met Sora I thought he teased his hair, but turns out it just naturally sticks out that way. It gives him a very boyish look and makes me want to run my hands through it. I won't though, I don't know if Sora would like it or not and I don't want to anger him.

A knock on the door interrupts my train of thoughts. I hesitate to answer. What if its Axel coming to get me? What if he drags me out of here and back to that dismal apartment? I grip the bed sheets tightly and swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

"C-come in." I tell the person behind the door. The door opens and my chest loosens in relief. And then the butterflies start up. Butterflies feel so much better than tense muscles.

"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?" Sora says, setting down a paper bag that is in his arms and then crossing the room to sit on the side of my bed.

I feel heat rush to my face at his pet name. It's so feminine, like "princess", which Sora has taken to calling me on the regular. But for some reason the names don't bother me. Axel never gave me pet names. It was always Riku to him. Well that is before I became bitch, slut, whore and slave. I guess those were his pet names. I frown at the memory and Sora notices this.

"Hey, what's wrong? You okay?" He asks me. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me gently against his chest. Not by much, but not a little either. I sink into his embrace. I love being held by Sora. We used to be built similarly. Both of us used to work out together and maintaining a good physique was high on our priority list. Now, however, I feel very small in his arms. He has maintained his muscular build, even enhanced it, but not me. The doctor told me that I had lost about 45 pounds, and it definitely feels like it. I feel weak and pitiful in Sora's arms, but at the same time, I feel safe and protected. I push the negative feelings away and bask in the warmth of his arms. Axel never held me like this. Axel never did a lot of things.

"I'm alright." I tell him, not wanting him to worry about me. I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of his hands running lightly over my back.

"Please don't lie to me, Riku. I want to know when you're both happy and upset. Your feelings are very important to me." He tells me, kissing the top of my head. I cringe. Why does he kiss me? I'm so ugly, I don't understand why he would want his lips anywhere near me.

"Why do you keep cringing when I kiss you? Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to stop?" Sora asks me, pulling away to look me in the eyes.

I can't look him in the eyes. He looks worried and a little hurt. I hate to cause him pain. "I…" I mumble, trying to think of something to say.

"Tell me the truth." Sora whispers.

"How can you kiss me when I look like this?" I blurt out, gripping the sheets in a new habit. "I-I mean, I'm not attractive to start with. I-I…I'm like, pasty pale and I have white hair…" I trail off when I feel his hand cup my cheek.

"You're beautiful." He says, smiling at me affectionately. My heart is beating wildly at his words. Did he just say what I've been longing to hear all my life? He can't be telling the truth? Can he? But the look in his eyes is sincere. I suddenly feel the urge to kiss him and hide in his embrace. He thinks I'm beautiful. It almost feels surreal.

"You're very unique." He continues, running a hand through my hair. "You're skin is very soft looking and such an interesting color. It's like milk, no offense. Very creamy and smooth in appearance. And your hair is simply amazing. It's not white. It's like silver in a way. As silly as it sounds, you reminded me of an angel the first time I saw you."

I can't hold back the hitch in my breath. Nobody has ever described me like that before. My first memory is of my mother calling me a white rat and kicking me in the stomach. The next few memories consisted of my grandparents laughing at me as they compared me to my normal looking parents. Another one was of my dad yelling at my mother to get a paternity test because I hadn't gained any coloring. My parents are both tanned with dark brown hair. My mother would've denied me as her child if she could.

Then there was Axel. Axel _did_ call me hot and sexy, but that was it. Sometimes he would say it in a demeaning way. Like he was laughing at me on the inside. Mocking me. At first I thought it was simply his tone of voice, but then it got progressively worse. The first time he called me ugly I felt like I had been stabbed. But then he started to say it every day, and I got used to it. It was just like my parents, nothing new. I'm a little scared to accept Sora's description of me. I keep searching for the lie in his eyes but I don't see it. And that's what scares me the most.

"Um…thank you." I manage to croak out, glancing up at him. He smiles and kisses my forehead. I flinch, but don't move away.

"One day you'll see what I see in you." He tells me, kissing my forehead again. Then he pulls away and his expression becomes serious. I can't help but tense. Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

"Riku I need to talk about something with you." He says, grabbing my hand into his. "It might be…painful, but I believe it's for the best."

I nod, not able to form an answer at the moment. My mouth is so dry.

"The doctor talked to me about your condition. I know you have broken bones and deep cuts, and you're malnourished but this is something else. The doctor told me…" Sora paused, taking a deep breath. "The doctor told me they found evidence of sexual assault."

My heart thuds heavily in my chest. My ears are on fire. I feel like the room is suddenly suffocating me, squeezing the very last breath out of me. I gasp for air but can't find any. The room is spinning. I'm losing control, thrashing, I can't find anything to hold onto. I can't breathe. Suddenly a blast of fresh air fills my longs. I gulp it down and breathe in the second blast. I close my eyes, focusing on the blasts.

"Shh, calm down baby. Take deep breaths." I hear from a distance. I hear another voice in the room mumbling something but I don't pay attention. I focus on Sora's voice and continue to breathe. A few seconds later I realize I'm breathing into a mask. I open my eyes to find both Sora and my doctor looking at me intently.

"Hey, experienced quite a scare there, huh?" The doctor says, pulling the mask away. I nod, taking a deep breath.

"It's the stress that's causing you to panic like this. I'm going to send you home with one of these masks and some oxygen. Try to calm down." The doctor says, patting my arm. "Are you okay now?"

I nod and the doctor takes his leave, telling Sora on the way out to try and keep me relaxed.

I can't look at him. I know he's staring at me worriedly and that I should try to relieve some of that worry, but I can't. Sora knows. Sora knows about my degradation. My humiliation. My shame. How could he want me now that he knows I've been used? Now that he knows that I was fucking raped several times and that I didn't stand up for myself. How could he?

"Riku, stop thinking those thoughts." Sora says, breaking me out of said thoughts. "You've been hurt, terribly. And it's not your fault. It was never your fault."

"It _is_ my fault. I let it happen!" I snapped, slamming my good fist into the bed. The impact rushes up into my broken arm and I gasp in pain. Fuck that hurts.

"Stop blaming yourself for this!" Sora snaps back. "Did you tell him no?" He asks more quietly.

I nod.

"Then it wasn't your fault." Sora says, quietly. I feel the bed dip and then I'm suddenly engulfed in warm arms. He reaches a hand up and gently pulls my head down against his shoulder. "How dare he hurt you like that. How dare he…" He whispers into my ear. "You deserve so much better than what life has given you."

"I deserve what I've gotten." I tell him firmly.

"Shut up." Sora snaps. I flinch at his tone. It's so familiar to Axel it scares me. Sora notices my flinch and immediately apologizes.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so angry about this. I can't stand to see you in pain." He tells me, rubbing my back like he did earlier.

"I'm alright." I tell him. I am, sort of. Or at least I will be.

Sora sighs and pulls away so he can look me in the eyes. "The doctor…he wants you to do a rape kit." He tells me, continuing to rub my back.

A rape kit? I've heard horror stories about those. I've heard that they're very uncomfortable and humiliating. That you feel like an object instead of a person. The mere thought of having someone photograph my private parts while I lay spread out on a cold exam table is enough to make me feel sick.

"I don't want to." I tell him, pulling away from his embrace.

"Why not?" He asks me. His face doesn't betray what he's thinking. He just wants an answer.

"I…I want to put this all behind me." I tell him. "I don't want them taking pictures of me or…or asking me questions and stuff."

"Axel needs to be charged." Sora says firmly. "This is the evidence. We need evidence to charge him."

I snap up at this and frown. "I…I'm not ready to face this. I don't want to go to court…"

I hear Sora sigh and he pulls me back into his arms. "I know you still have feelings for him. Even if they're small. I can't say I understand, because I don't. But I do respect that you two had a lengthy relationship and at one point it was somewhat healthy. Just please think about it. We're running out of time. The evidence needs to be collected in the next day for it to be valid…"

I look into his eyes and see pure sincerity. He only wants what's best for me.

"I'll…I'll think about it. Please let me think about it." I tell him. I already know what I'm going to do, I just need a break from all of this. Just a little rest.

"Good, that's all I can ask of you." He says, standing from the bed. I watch curiously as he walks across the room and grabs the paper bag he brought in earlier. He digs inside it for a second before pulling out what looks like a thermos. Two mugs follow the thermos out of the bag.

"Since you aren't getting out of here for a few more days and the hospital food sucks, I thought I'd bring you something you wanted."

I perk up at this and can't help but smile. "You brought me apple cider?" I said, as he handed me a cup. He nods and sits back down on the bed with his own mug.

"It's autumn now. Perfect time for it." He says, taking a gulp. I lean against his arm and he instantly wraps it around my shoulder.

"You're going to be alright." He whispers into my ear as I sip the delicious beverage. "You've got a new life ahead of you. I promise to make it worth living." I smile softly in response.

We look out the window of my room watching the falling leaves swirl in the breeze. His arms are so comfortable and the drink is so relaxing that I feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

It hits me suddenly. So suddenly yet subconsciously I already knew it was coming.

I think I'm falling in love.


	10. Chapter 10

*** So sorry for all the new chapter e-mails that people on alerts are getting. I have no idea why this keeps happening, but I'm in the process of figuring it out.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews.

There is a peaceful release that comes with crying. The tears sooth the wounds in ways medicine can't. Crying heals the soul, while medicine heals the body.

This morning I came to the hospital to find Riku huddled under his sheets with a group of nurses surrounding him. It took a lot of prying and pleading but he finally removed the sheets from around himself, that is, once the nurses had left the room. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he had consented to the rape kit test but had freaked once the nurses asked him to remove his clothes.

It's been a couple of hours since then and I've been trying with all my might to encourage him to do the test. He's terrified; I can see it in his eyes. He can't stop trembling and he doesn't want to be touched. I can't tell you how much it hurts to see him this way. I wish I could tell him that the test isn't necessary and that we could just go home, but I can't. This evidence is absolutely necessary. It would beat me up for the rest of my life knowing that that asshole got free. And Riku would probably never gain closure from this. I can already tell he's living in fear of Axel returning. The only way to kick that fear is for Axel to be sent to prison.

Riku is currently trying to relax himself by taking deep breaths. I watch him silently, hoping that he can get himself into a state of calm because I can't think of anything to help him. After a few minutes he finally opens his eyes and looks at me. It surprises me that Riku hasn't cried once since we got here. It's also worrying. I can tell he's holding back a lot of emotions that need to be released. I know he wants to cry, but for some reason he won't. He always holds back.

"I-I don't know if I can do this." He whispers to me. "I want to but…I'm so fucking scared and worried…embarrassed."

"You have a reason to be scared, but don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault." I tell him, hoping that he'll listen to me.

Riku looks away from me and at the kit that's sitting on a small cart in the middle of the room. "I…I don't want to be alone in here…with them."

My heart thumps nervously at this. I don't know if I should suggest staying with him or not. He might flip out on me and get angry. Also, I'm a little nervous myself with this whole thing. Last night I read up on what a rape kit entails and found that it's a highly intrusive and humiliating thing to go through. The last thing I want to see is Riku suffering mentally. I can stand to see physical suffering because I can help ease it. But mental? That's another story. Despite my worries, though, I will never leave Riku to face something frightening alone. If he wants me to I _will_ stay, even if it hurts.

"Will you stay with me?" He asks, looking at me. I can see the embarrassment in his eyes. He doesn't want me to see him like this, I can tell. But in spite of this he still asks me. God I love my Riku so much.

"Of course I will." I tell him. I test the waters and gently touch his hand. He doesn't move his away so I carefully lace my fingers with his. "I'll stay as long as you want me to."

He nods and looks away from me. I ring the bell at the side of the bed and we both tensely await the arrival of the nurses.

The three nurses who arrive are very gentle women. They are older than most of the nurses at the hospital, as they have more experience and compassion with cases like these. One of them unpacks the kit while another helps Riku from the bed. The third quickly makes the bed and lays down a large sheet of tissue paper over it. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. One of the nurses, the one who is supporting Riku, looks at me and then smiles sympathetically.

"I'm sorry but no one is allowed in the room while we administer the test. The patient has to give consent."

"I did…" Riku whispers before I can say anything. "Please let him stay…"

The nurse nods and then looks at me. "I'm not sure if you know what this test is, but we've already explained it to him and we don't want to waste any time. We'd like to get this over with as fast as possible. Please don't say anything or object to anything we do here. It's all his decision. You can comfort him if he likes. Please do not speak otherwise."

I nod and the women set to work.

The first step is the removal of the clothes. We have already hit a brick wall as Riku freezes at the request. Because of the situation he was admitted in, the doctors already removed the clothes he came in and placed them in individual bags for evidence if he wanted it. However, he is now wearing a pair of fleece pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt. The women prod gently for awhile, trying to encourage him to remove the clothing. They offer not to look as he does which Riku immediately agrees with. He tries to remove the shirt which is buttoned down in the back, but can't because of his broken arm and wrist. He looks at me pleadingly and I quickly rush over to his side.

"I got it." I murmur, unbuttoning the shirt. I pull it away from him and he blushes, trying to cover the deep cuts, welts and bruises that are far from healed. I ignore this action, as I know he doesn't want pity.

"Do you want to remove the pants or do you want me to do it?" I ask him, squeezing his hand to comfort him.

He looks away from me when he answers. "I-I can't…my arm."

I nod and carefully slide the fleece pants down. I can feel him trembling as I do and once he steps out of them the trembles increase. As with most hospitals, the patients don't usually wear underwear and that's the case with Riku. I make sure not to stare but can't help a quick glance to his private area. His hips are horribly bruised; the shape of handprints is evident. But those bruises don't even compare to the bruising along his inner thighs and up to his crotch. It's as if someone repeatedly kicked him there. My chest burns with both sadness and rage.

One of the nurses asks us of it's alright to turn around and Riku whispers a yes. He doesn't look at me or the nurses when they face us; he stares at the floor as if in a daze. I start to step back, knowing that I'll just be in the way, but Riku suddenly grabs for my hand and holds it tightly.

"Don't leave me, please." He begs, finally looking me in the eyes. "I-I can't do this…not by myself."

"I won't leave, I'm here." I tell him reassuringly.

The head nurse, a tall woman with dark red hair, takes Riku's other arm in hers and leads him to the bed. "Okay, what I'm going to need you to do is sit up straight. We'll first start with your hair." She says, pulling on some latex gloves.

Riku nods and sits up straight, his hand still firmly attached to mine. One of the other nurses pulls a few tools out of the kit box and hands it to the head nurse. I feel Riku's hand tense in mine as the woman sets to work on combing his hair for evidence. Riku had once told me that his head is very sensitive and that he doesn't like it when strangers touch it. Every few seconds the head nurse plucks a few pieces of his silvery hair making Riku freeze and breathe heavily.

"Are you ok?" I whisper to him when the nurse steps away to put the hair samples on slides that are laid out on the cart.

He doesn't answer me. Instead, he lays his head on my shoulder and squeezes my hand almost painfully. I wish we were done with this. I wish I could just tell him it was all over and that they had all the evidence they needed, but we are far from done.

"Okay, Riku, now I'm going to need you to lie back on the bed." The head nurse says, returning from the slides. The other two nurses approach the bed as well, each going to a separate side. They help ease Riku into a laying position before returning to the cart.

Riku's eyes dart around the room nervously before making contact with mine. I smile reassuringly at him and to my great surprise he gives me a small one in return. His smile immediately disappears though, when the nurse touches one of his legs. His reflexes are so quick. He jerks his leg back from her touch before a cry of surprise comes from his mouth.

"Hey, calm down honey. Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you." The nurse says sympathetically. "I know this is hard, and I'm trying to move as fast as I can so we can get this over with. I'm going to need you to spread your legs for me."

Riku blushes deeply and his eyes start to water. I think he's about to cry, but like always, he holds it in. The watery eyes soon return to normal and he nods shakily, spreading his legs slowly. The minute he does he turns away from me, refusing to open his eyes. His breathing is erratic and his trembling is noticeable. I continue to hold his hand, it's the only thing I can do for him right now.

The nurse gets to work quickly, she plucks a few of his barely there pubic hairs before taking some cotton swabs from one of the other nurses. I look away as she swabs his genitals and anal area. I do this partly out of respect for Riku, knowing that those areas are very intimate and private, and the other part being how abused he is down there. It feels as if my own parts are on fire just from looking at him. Like the doctor said, there is tearing in his anus which is visible in the opening. The rage in my chest is burning to be released. The urge to kill a certain fucker has steadily increased to something dangerous. How _dare_ he do this to Riku.

When the nurse finishes, she hands the swabs to the other nurses and grabs a new one. This time she beckons Riku to sit up. I help him, and once he's seated she swabs the inside of his mouth.

"Are you ok so far?" The woman asks as she pulls a nail clipper from the cart. Riku doesn't answer her, the dazed look in his eyes is still present. The woman looks at me with sympathy before gently grabbing Riku's left hand. She quickly swabs underneath his fingernails before clipping them. Once done, one of the other nurses grabs the clippings and cotton swabs and places them in an envelope. The head nurse repeats this with the other hand and then motions for the third nurse.

"All we have left is to draw some blood samples and take a few images." She tells Riku, even though he isn't responding to her questions and conversation.

They draw two samples of blood, Riku flinching each time they do. Once that is finished they lay him back down onto the bed and proceed to take pictures of every single bruise, cut, welt, burn, and finally his damaged private area.

"We're all done." The head nurse says after they snap the last photo. The other two nurses help Riku dress and then tuck him inside the bed. The women leave information about counselors, STD testing, the rape healing process, and other general health information on the bedside table. They then wish him well and take their leave after they pack up the evidence.

As soon as the door shuts Riku pulls himself up into a little ball under the covers. He starts to gasp and it sounds like he's struggling to breathe.

"Baby, come out so you can breathe." I tell him, sitting on the side of the bed. He ignores me, burying further under the sheets. I touch his shoulder and he flinches. My heart hurts for him. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. I don't really know what to do. Should I continue to coax him out of there, or leave him alone? The latter option seems wrong. He needs support right now. He needs to know that he's loved.

"I…I'm so lost." I hear him say, breaking me out of my thoughts. "I…can't even think straight anymore."

"Oh, Riku…" I murmur. I touch his shoulder again, but this time he doesn't flinch. He sits up slowly, finally facing me.

"I don't want to talk about it." He says, letting out a shaky breath. "C-can you just hold me?"

My heart flutters at his request. Of course I will. Anything for my baby.

"Absolutely, princess." I tell him, sitting on the bed and pulling him into my arms. He rests his chin on my shoulder and I rub soft circles on his back.

"We get to leave tomorrow, you know?" I whisper in his ear. "I can't wait to get you out of here."

To my utter amazement, I feel Riku smile into my neck. "I can't wait to go home…" He says quietly, before closing his eyes. We stay like this in silence, Riku dozing off every now and then. When he finally falls asleep for the night is when I let down my guard.

Despite putting on a strong front for people, inside I'm a mess. Riku's suffering has had a greater affect on me than I first thought was possible. The fact that he doesn't cry makes me want to cry. The fact that he struggles to eat makes me not want to eat. The fact that he can't sleep easily makes me want to stay awake. And the fact that he's constantly in pain makes me want to feel pain. I so desperately want him to be healed from this. I want him to feel safe and secure. I want him to smile that beautiful smile of his and I want to hear his laughter which I haven't heard in almost a year. I want him to be _happy_. Truly _happy_.

And so regardless of my earlier strength, I break down. The tears roll freely down my cheeks and land on his soft silver hair causing them to look darker than they are. I cry for his horrible life and the horrible people in his life. I cry for his pain and suffering. I cry for his low self-esteem and inability to see worth in himself. I cry for his fear and loneliness. I cry for him.

I only wish he would cry for himself. Crying does the body a load of good, I know from firsthand experience. If only he would let his emotions out. If only he would let me know what he's _really_ thinking. If only, if only.

I tighten my hold on his body and sob for the rest of the night.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Thanks for the reviews.

Today is the day I finally leave this hospital. It hasn't been a horrible experience, actually. The doctors and nurses have been extremely kind, the room was somewhat comfortable, and though the food wasn't appealing at least it was edible. But just the thought of Sora's cozy, homey apartment makes me want to leave here as soon as possible.

The doctor is currently saying something to Sora and I but I can't pay attention. I want to leave so badly it hurts. I want to curl up on Sora's comfortable furniture and sleep the days away. I want to eat real food and good Sora cooking at that. I also want to cuddle with said boy in front of his old fashioned fireplace. God, that sounds like heaven. Ever since coming here I've grown to crave Sora's touches. Part of me doesn't like it, I feel weak and pathetic sometimes. Those feelings are immediately kicked out of my mind, though, when I feel his arms encircle me.

My parents never used to hold me. I don't really remember them ever giving me affection of any kind. They considered me a disgrace and that hasn't changed to this day. Axel would hold me only before sex. It was often rushed, but I took what I could get. Sora's touches are so different though. They're careful and soft. I feel important when he holds me. I feel special. I hope my feelings aren't lying to me.

"You ready to go, sweetie?" Sora's voice breaks into my thoughts. I snap out of my daze and notice that the doctor has left and we're alone. I nod and grasp his offered hand. I was offered the option of a wheelchair and crutches, but I dislike both of them and refused. The doctors are sending a pair of crutches home with us anyway, but I doubt I'll use them. Sora's supportive arms are strong enough to hold me up and I much prefer their warmth to hard wood.

Sora walks slowly, making sure that each of my steps is a comfortable one. I can feel myself blush at his consideration. "We can move faster if you want." I tell him.

"Absolutely not. I don't want to injure you more than you already are."

We slowly but surely make our way out of the large building. Sora has a bag the hospital provided slung over his shoulder. It's filled with pain medication, brochures about anything and everything, information about prosecuting an offender and more. I know we have a lot to talk about once we get home. The first thing being reporting Axel. I don't want to think about him though, so I push the thoughts of him aside.

When we finally reach Sora's car, Sora opens the passenger door for me and eases me in. I blush as he buckles my seatbelt for me and plants a kiss on my forehead. Although we are not together, I love how Sora is treating me. I know I could love him, hell, I think I already do. But I need time. I can't just leave an abusive relationship and jump into a new relationship. I need to think about my life. I need to think about what Axel did to me. I need to ask myself why I let it happen to me. Yes, I have so many things to think about. Right now, though, I just want to go home and relax.

Sora starts the car and after he pulls out of the lot he grabs my hand. I can't hold back a blush and I look away, hoping he won't see it.

"Don't try to hide it pretty baby." Sora says, smirking at me. My ears start to burn and I look down at my lap in embarrassment.

"Sora…" I almost whine. My voice comes out pathetic sounding and my ears burn harder.

"I think you're very brave, you know." Sora says, his voice suddenly serious. I glance up in time to see him glance at me. Not knowing what to do I look back down in my lap.

"Um…why?" I ask after a moment of silence.

"The whole rape test thing. I don't think I could've gone through that." I can hear the honesty in his voice but I don't want to believe it. I feel weak, in every aspect of my life, It's almost confusing when he calls me strong. It's weird.

"I-It's only cause…only cause I've been through more humiliating stuff." I tell him. If Sora had gone through what I've gone through he could have easily gone through the test, probably better than I did. However, just the thought of Sora going through what I did is sickening. Sora is too perfect to go through something like that. Sora will never deserve to go through that.

"I'm so sorry…" I hear him whisper after a moment. "I wish I could go back in time to that night. The night you told me about Axel. I wish I had stopped you."

"I would've yelled at you." I tell him honestly. "I would've hated you for getting in the way. I was dumb. Fucking stupid."

Sora sighs and focuses on the road. "I don't think you were dumb. I think you were searching for love. And Axel…well Axel is like an actor. He can fake things easily. And with you having never experienced any real love in your life, well you were the perfect victim. It's fucking sick…_he's _fucking sick."

I glance over at him and sigh as well. "I-I…I called my parents once, when I was hurt." I tell him, rubbing my hands together rapidly.

"Oh? Please don't tell me they rejected you…" Sora's face is twisted into a scowl and I can tell he's really upset. The doctors mentioned him calling my mother only to have her bad mouth me and then hang up.

"Yeah they…they said I was a freak…and on top of that I was a fag. My dad told me if he ever saw me again he'd shoot me."

Sora sighs and pulls me close to him to where I'm laying on his shoulder. He coos softly in my ear before kissing the lobe.

"One day they'll wake up and see what they missed. They missed having a relationship with their only child. They missed having his love and his trust. They missed seeing his smile and hearing his laughter. They'll never ever experience that joy. I feel sad for them. They're so ignorant and hateful that they don't realize they've missed out on the best thing that could've happened to them."

I can't help but smile a little at his words. Sora is so sweet and kind. He always knows how to make me feel better. I can't wait to get home. I want to curl up in his arms and sleep forever.

We spend the rest of the ride in silence. My heart starts beating wildly as we pull into his apartment's parking lot. Sora finds a parking spot as close as he can to the entrance and quickly gets out and walks around to my door. I use what little strength I have to lift myself from the car with Sora's help. We take our time entering the building. A couple of tenants look at us, but we both ignore them. As soon as we enter his apartment I collapse on his comfortable couch. Sora chuckles at me and then sits down beside me.

"Come here." He murmurs, stretching out his arms. I blush, but immediately cuddle up into them. He wraps his arms around my body and lets out a relaxed sigh.

"You want to talk about it, princess?" He asks, running a hand through my locks. I freeze. Talk about it? I don't know if I'm ready for that. But, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for it. Besides, Sora has done so much for me. It's only right that I tell him.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything…everything." Sora says, maneuvering us so that we are lying comfortably on the couch. The position we're in is very intimate and I feel my heart start to beat a little faster. I hope he can't feel it, though I bet he does.

"Um…" I don't know what to say. Should I tell him how my relationship with Axel got so bad? Should I tell him what I was feeling during the rape test? Should I tell him about my past? I don't really know what to tell him. I guess I should start at the beginning and work my way up.

Before I can open my mouth Sora says the exact words that are on my mind. "How about you start at the beginning? Like you know, your life with your parents and stuff like that. You never told me much about your childhood."

"There isn't much to say." I start. I breathe in his scent before continuing. God he smells so good. "My mom and dad had me young. I think they were around 16 or 17. They didn't want me. My mom told me that she debated aborting me several times…and that she wished she had."

I feel Sora tighten his hold on me and I instinctively cuddle closer to him. "They began doing drugs when I was around five. My dad was working dead end jobs and my mother wasn't ever home. I remember being left inside the house for hours by myself. There was never any food there and the place was always filthy. My parents would come home and leave at random times during the night. I taught myself how to read and write and would spend my days making up stories and reading old newspapers."

"No wonder you're so good at English…" Sora says while stroking my hair. I smile at this. Both Sora and I love English and writing yet Sora has always insisted that I'm better. I haven't written in such a long time and I dropped out of college while Sora finished. He's probably a lot better than me now.

We sit in silence for a few minutes before I start speaking again. The words are harder to get out as I go on, mainly because my life story only gets harder and never easier. "They started hitting me around the time I was six. I started first grade and I needed school supplies. My parents told me they weren't going to buy me any and I started to whine and beg them. I can still remember that day…my mom took the joint she was smoking and placed it on my neck. I almost didn't feel it, I was so shocked. Then my dad…he took off his belt and just started hitting me with it. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't listen…I spent that year carrying my books and borrowing pencils and paper from the teacher."

"Fucking bastards." Sora seethes above me before touching a spot on my neck. I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat, hoping that it will calm my own. "Is this…?" He trails off. I know he's talking about the burn mark.

"Yeah, it never went away." My words are becoming shaky. I can't help it. It's hard reliving all of these painful memories. It hurts. "I lived in fear of them from then on. They started doing other drugs, harder drugs like heroin. Sometimes I'd just walk by them and they'd hit me for no reason. W-we were always poor and…well one day they needed some money. My dad had lost his job again and they didn't have any money for their drugs. M-my dad called one of his friends…he said that if he g-gave him some money h-he'd let him h-have me for an hour. I-I remember his friend would always look at me strangely… I didn't know what it meant at the time. H-he would smile at me weird and call me p-pretty…"

"Oh my god…" Sora whispers, kissing my forehead. "Please tell me he didn't…"

"H-he only made me suck his cock…he didn't want to leave evidence." To my dismay I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I haven't cried in years and I don't want to cry again ever. If I cry all my dignity will be lost. I have barely anything now, only my tears. I can't let them fall.

Sora mutters several four letter words before quieting down. "It didn't happen that often…maybe four times a year. T-they didn't want anyone finding out so they only sold me out when they were desperate."

"I don't fucking care how few times it happened. It _happened_. Those fuckers should be headed to jail like Axel will be."

I don't answer him. I'm trying desperately not to cry. My eyes are burning and I can feel my ears heating up. I have to maintain control.

"Riku…?" Sora asks, looking down at me. His eyes are filled with care and concern and before I know it the pent up tears have fallen out of my eyes.

"Sweetie…" Sora whispers into my ear. He tightens his hold on me and maneuvers us to where we are lying on the couch facing each other. Sora runs his hand through my hair and kisses the tears that won't stop falling.

I feel so pathetic. I can't even stop crying I'm so pathetic. I brush my eyes angrily and bite my lip. "Fuck this." I gasp out, pressing my hands to my eyes. "Fuck my fucking life."

Sora ignores my words and gently pulls my hands away from my face. "It's good to cry, you know." He says, wiping the tears from my face. "It's a healthy way to find release from inner pain. I cried several nights when I was worried about you…it always made me feel better."

I choke back a sob and focus on his beautiful ocean blue eyes. More tears have made their way down my cheeks, but I hold back the sobs. I'll cry but I won't let them overtake me.

We lay there in silence, both of us staring into each other's eyes. Sora's eyes are so beautiful. They make me feel so calm and relaxed. The tears finally still after awhile, but I continue to stare at his eyes. "I can't believe I never noticed your eyes before…" I say after a moment.

Sora raises an eyebrow and smiles. "Oh? They're just ok, not anything like yours."

"Shut up. Stop being so modest." I admonish. Sora laughs quietly and runs a finger across my lips. I can feel a deep blush coming on. Damn Sora and his sweet gestures. I haven't ever blushed so much in my life.

"You're one to talk. You're stunningly gorgeous but you can't seem to see that." Sora says, a hint of seriousness in his voice. I frown and look away. I'm not gorgeous, I don't know what he's talking about.

"Riku, stop putting yourself down in your head. You're so unique. If people would stop seeing you as different and see you for who you really are then they'd find a beautiful person both outside and in. People are scared of different. People are _jealous_ of different. If someone calls you ugly more often than not they're just jealous of you."

My eyebrows rise instinctively. I've never thought about it that way before. People have always called me ugly or a freak, but maybe…maybe Sora is right. Maybe they, or at least some of them, might've been jealous. I _know_ I've gotten jealous of people I've found beautiful.

"Y-you think so?" I ask looking back at his eyes. He smiles and nods.

"I know so, princess." With that he lifts himself up from his laying position and pulls me up after him. "That's enough for now. We can finish our talk later." He says, standing up from the couch. "Right now we need to get you a bath and some food."

The mention of a hot bath and warm food makes my heart go all fluttery with excitement. I let myself relax into the couch as Sora bustles around the apartment making lunch and drawing water. I haven't felt at peace in a long time, but sitting here on this comfy couch with this extremely kind and good looking man taking care of me makes me want to laugh with happiness. So I do.


	12. Chapter 12

*** I am so fucking sick of my chapters just disappearing after I post them. It's annoying the fucking hell out of me. Just wanted to say this. Sorry about the double e-mails.

A/N: Thanks for the Reviews

"Never rush love. Save it for the right time. When _both _of you are ready."

Work is looking pretty bad at the moment. I'm currently staring at a huge stack of documents that I haven't edited with an equally large stack of angry e-mails from the authors who've had their books delayed because of me. I honestly haven't even glanced at the documents for over two weeks. I could care less about these authors. As much as I love my job, I've considered quitting these past few days. But the reality is I can't. I'd lose my car, my house, and my life. Most of all I'd let _him_ down. I have two people to support now until he gets back on his feet.

Speaking of him, life has been both good and difficult since he moved in. I love Riku to death. I would do anything for him. If he wanted me to jump off a cliff I probably would. I love having him live with me. I love seeing his silver hair first thing in the morning and listening to him mumble about some crazy dream he had. I love when he gives me little smiles and laughs at random, even when nothing is funny. I love it when he asks me how work was or if I had a good day when I come home. I love the way he feels in my arms when I hold him before he falls off to sleep. Simply put, I just love him. Really, really love him. But his situation has affected both of us deeply. Living with him is wonderful but extremely stressful.

Riku doesn't sleep during the night. He takes sleep medication to fall off but he wakes up every two hours anyway. He has to continue taking the pills to fall off again but they take about an hour to kick in. Meals are difficult because despite how hard he tries, he can't manage a fork or spoon well with his broken arm and wrist. It gets him so frustrated that sometimes he doesn't eat. Yesterday he went all day without eating and drinking and refused my help. I ended up almost force feeding him and then he threw it up about thirty minutes later. He doesn't hold food down very well.

He also has mood swings that are becoming more evident each day. The first day home he was still somewhat indifferent like he had been in the hospital. Now his mood ranges from somewhat happy to sad to angry. He switches in between these three moods extremely fast and they're unpredictable.

The worse part of all this is seeing the evidence of abuse in his actions. Every time he has an outburst he immediately apologizes after. If I try to hug him anytime after an outburst he flinches as if expecting me to hit him. A couple of days ago he dropped a glass, his hand being shaky because of his broken bones. The look on his face was of sheer terror. I couldn't stop him from apologizing. He kept repeating "I'm so sorry" over and over again. It took several hours for him to calm down. He wouldn't look at me and he flinched and scooted away whenever I tried to touch him. Eventually I got him to relax, but only after he took some anti-anxiety medicine.

Sometimes I feel like he'll never get better. I hate seeing him struggle so much to be happy. I wish I could make him happy, but I can't. At least I can't make him completely happy. Part of the happiness he needs comes from inner peace. And from what I can see he is far from that right now. He's angry, sad, humiliated, hurt, and scared. All I know is that his healing will take time.

I haven't had the heart to mention Axel and prosecution. We have about twenty days to report him to the police before the hospital marks the rape test void. I'll probably mention it to him tomorrow because today is a good day. Today Riku is feeling better than usual and the last thing I want to do is ruin his good mood. This morning I woke up and stumbled to the guest room which is now Riku's bedroom. I found him lying on his side, reading through one of the documents I had to edit.

"You know that's confidential information." I said with a smile, leaning against the bedroom door. Riku glanced up at me and gave me one of his adorable little morning smiles. The ones that don't know if they want to be a smile or not because it's too early to even consider it.

"If it's so confidential, why was it laying on the floor in front of my bed?" He asked. I could hear the playfulness in his voice and felt a déjà vu come on. He sounded exactly like he did years ago. Like the old Riku I used to know.

"Maybe I put it there for a reason." I played back at him.

"Oh yeah? So I can do all your dirty work? Tough luck, Sora. This shit needs some serious help and I'm not about to edit a book titled 'how to catch a man with a hot butt'." Riku said, chucking the papers at me. I barely dodged them and watched in amusement as the fluttered to the floor.

"So then you were reading it for your own personal benefit then, hmm?" Riku blushed at this before catching himself and smirking.

"Well maybe I was…you do have a sexy ass."

It was my turn to blush. I still have that little statement ringing through my head and it's been hours since. Things have been a bit different since that little conversation. I guess it feels like we've been flirting with each other all day. Little compliments to each other's appearance have been falling out of each of our mouths like a waterfall, and to be honest, I love it. Everyone loves compliments, but having a compliment come from Riku is fucking amazing. He doesn't like people easily, and though I know he likes me, I didn't expect him to compliment me so easy.

I turn away from the stack of documents and to the object of my thoughts who is sipping on a smoothie on the couch across from me. I feel myself about to sigh in happiness and hold it back just in time. He looks so beautiful today. Well he looks beautiful every day, but today he looks simply _stunning_. We've gathered, from several failed attempts at meals, that smoothies are the best for him. They're filling enough to give him a little energy but not enough to turn his stomach. Plus, using a straw makes it so that he can drink more easily and without assistance. The only problem with the smoothies, at least for me, is the quiet sucking sounds and shape of his lips when he sucks on those straws. Oh my fucking _god._ I've had to grab for pillows to hide my growing erection several times during his smoothie sessions.

Today his hair is pulled back into a ponytail so that the loose strands won't bother him. With a broken arm and wrist, simple tasks that we never pay attention to like brushing the hair out of our eyes becomes difficult. He's wearing a pair of very soft pajama pants and one of my favorite sleeping shirts. There's something so extremely alluring about him wearing my clothing. Especially my night clothing. It's weird, I admit…but it's hot.

"You gonna stop staring at me any anytime soon?" Riku says, raising his eyebrows playfully.

"How can I not? You're so beautiful…" I tell him honestly. Riku blushes and sets his smoothie down on the coffee table.

"You keep saying that…" Riku mumbles while fumbling with the bottom of his shirt. His shirt lifts up a little to reveal a slither of his stomach. The heat rushes to my groin. I quickly grab a pillow. I hope it's not too obvious what I'm hiding.

"I don't lie. It's only because it's true."

"What…what do you find beautiful about me?"

My heart skips at this question. He's asking me what I think is beautiful about him? Doesn't he know I could go on for days about his beauty, the inside beauty and the out? I could write a million books about how beautiful I find him.

"God, everything…every part of you…your face, your soft hair, your eyes…your body…your heart…" I feel myself blush at my own words. I probably shouldn't have said so much. I sound kind of sappy…and a little desperate.

"Come here." Riku mumbles, breaking out of my thoughts. Come here? What does he mean? Does he want us to…_sit closer_, to put it modestly?

"What…okay." I don't want to argue. I'm curious right now; just bursting with curiosity. Could Riku actually be instigating something? For weeks it has only been one-sided affection, is this possibly becoming two-sided?

I walk over and sit next to him. Before I can even mentally prepare myself, Riku has placed a kiss on neck. Jesus Christ. I can't fucking think.

"Sora stop acting weird and give me some sugar." Riku whines into my neck. The heat rushes down to my lower regions immediately. My pants are feeling tight and my whole body is heating up. What the hell is going on? Please don't tell me this will all change tomorrow and Riku will go back to his mood swings and not want to be touched. Please god, don't let that happen.

"You want some sugar, hmm?" I whisper, wrapping my arms around his body. I pull us down so that Riku is lying on top of me. We both blush at our position and then he leans down and…whoa…

His lips have to be the softest and warmest touch I've ever felt. I feel like I'm melting into the couch. I let him control the kiss, letting him explore instead of giving into the primal urge of mine telling me to dominate him. The last thing I want to do is make him feel like he doesn't have any control. After a moment of pure bliss, Riku abruptly pulls back from the kiss. He looks embarrassed and humiliated. What the hell did I do wrong?  
"Baby what's wrong?" I ask him, touching his chin gently.

"I-I…you don't like it?" I almost don't catch his whispered concern.

Oh. He's scared that I don't like it because I'm not kissing back. I guess I'm going to have to find a medium, then. Show enough affection to let him know I love him, but not enough for him to feel threatened.

"Princess, I love it. I just don't want to jump in being all dominate in controlling the kiss and everything. If we're going to do this…be like this…I want you to be in control."

Riku lays his head in the crook of my neck and breathes deeply. My body shudders involuntarily. Oh god I hope he didn't notice that. "I don't know how to be in control…"

I chuckle and run a hand through his locks. "You just were…and it was fucking hot."

"I-it's uncomfortable though…I don't know if I'm doing it right." Riku continues. I kiss his temple and he nuzzles into my neck; an action similar to that of a kitten.

"You don't have to worry about things like that with me. We'll figure out what feels good for both of us ok? You don't have to 'do it right.'"

We lay in silence for a few minutes, I figure Riku is just thinking so I remain silent to allow him time. But then I feel it. A little nip. On my neck. Inflicted by Riku. Lord have fucking mercy.

"R-riku…?"

Another nip.

"Baby…?"

A lick.

Fuck.

I pull him away from me for a second before kissing him warmly on the lips. He reaches up and runs a nervous hand through my hair and tugs ever so gently. It's so hot. I moan into the kiss and he freezes. Shit.

"Riku?" I ask, pulling away. He's trembling and biting his lip. We went too far. Fuck, we went too far.

"I…can't...not yet. I'm not ready." He tells me, sitting up slowly. I sit up as well and I reach out to touch him but he pulls away. My heart feels like its literally sinking. Everything was going so well and we messed it up. _I _messed it up.

"I'm sorry…" I feel like crying. I honestly do. I want so much for what we just experienced to stay that way. I want to be his lover. I want to _love _him.

"I-It's not your fault…it's m-mine…" He says, stumbling to his feet. "I-I need some time…I'm so sorry, I led you on and…I'm so sorry." He mumbles the last part almost inaudibly and limps off to his bedroom.

Fuck. Goddamn it. Shit. Motherfucker. I collapse back on the couch and sigh. Why? Why after it was going so well. Why can't life just go right for once?

I sit on the couch for about an hour when suddenly something my mother said once to me comes to mind. I was telling her about the blonde boy, my first love. I wanted to kiss him but he was shy and every time we tried it, he would get too nervous and back away. My mother sat me down at the kitchen table and told me to stop pinning for that kiss. That I should let it happen naturally in time. That rushing it would take away from the experience. It would be uncomfortable and weird and kissing the second time would probably be worse because of it.

With me and Riku, I had rushed our first intimate time. And unfortunately, we can't take it back. He isn't ready for us to be together, and I need to stop wanting it so badly. I need to relax and let things happen as much as I want to things to move faster. With this mindset I turn to the large stack of documents and set to editing them. Eventually Riku emerges from his room and cuddles up beside me, resting his head on my shoulder in a gesture that his become common between us.

"I'm sorry, Sora." He whispers to me. "I ruined it and-"

"No you didn't. You weren't ready. I completely understand that." I tell him. I kiss his forehead and he closes his eyes.

"You let me know when you're ready and I'll give you everything. All my love. Everything." I say, rubbing a hand up and down his back. "It's your show, ok?"

Riku nods and dozes off against me. A smile reaches my face and I ease him into my arms and walk over to the other couch to set him down. I cover him with a blanket before heading back to the stack of piles on the floor near the other couch.

We just need time.

Patience, Sora. Patience.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: So many alerts. So little reviews. This chapter is much shorter than usual. I didn't feel the need to add anymore. The plot is moving too slowly for my tastes and I'm becoming very bored with this story very fast. Hopefully I'll get some inspiration soon, if not, it's headed to the garbage.

Sooner or later, I knew Sora was going to bring it up. Every morning I'd wake up nervous, hoping Sora wouldn't bring it up that day. All I wanted to do was fall back asleep snuggled next to Sora. And every morning until now it's been that way. This morning, though, Sora is giving me that look. That look that means he wants answers. That look that means it's time to stop hiding.

"Riku…" He says, reaching out to stroke my hair. "We need to talk."

The room is dark, only the barest hints of sunlight seeping through the blinds. It's chilly in the room, as we're now in the middle of autumn. I shiver slightly, the cold making Goosebumps pop up on my arms. But, the cold isn't the only thing causing the Goosebumps. The other part is fear.

Sora seems to notice my small shiver and pulls the blanket closer around us. "Chilly?" He asks, rubbing my arm under the blanket. I nod and look down at his chest to avoid his gaze.

"What do you want me to tell you?" I ask him, after a few minutes of uneasy silence. I know what he wants to know. He wants to know about me an Axel of course…and everything that consists of that phrase.

"Why did you leave that night? What made you leave?" He asks after a moment of thought. I'm surprised; I was expecting a different question. A similar question, but different. Then the reality of the question sets in and I feel my cheeks flush. How do I explain this to him? How can I tell him that I was raped? That Axel cheated on me and treated me like an animal? Yes, he already knows these things happened to me. But, having to say the words out loud is beyond humiliating.

"Sora please…" I whisper, ducking my head under the covers. "I-its…I can't…"

"I know it's painful…" He says softly, pulling me into his arms. "But you can't keep this pain in your heart…you have to let it out."

I breathe in his wonderful scent and close my eyes, content with just laying next to him for the rest of my life. However, after a few moments of bliss, I know I have to tell him. He deserves to know why I left. He deserves this for all of what he's done for me.

"I…he…he cheated on me. I came home and he was there…they were making out." I say softly, I don't trust my voice. I can feel the telltale signs of tears coming on. I don't want to cry. I hate crying. "I just got sick of it that day…he came home and I hadn't finished the laundry…he started hitting me and then…h-he forced himself…" I can't finish the sentence, the tears in my eyes drop on their own accord and my throat is too tight trying to hold them in to keep speaking.

"Shh…" Sora crooned in my ear. "I've got you, its okay baby. I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry, princess."

I can't answer him. I can't say anything. The struggle to contain my sobs is making me feel ill to the stomach. The image of the rape pushes me over the edge and I tug away from him just in time to throw up all over the squeaky clean hardwood floors.

Sora sits up suddenly as I heave my guts over the side of the bed. The embarrassment of my current predicament and the knowledge of Sora knowing my secrets tear the first sob from me. A second one follows followed by a louder third one. Before I know it, the sobs have taken over my body and I feel like I'm on a bumpy rollercoaster. I can't stop shaking.

All of a sudden the room is changing colors and spinning very fast. My body feels like it's on fire and sweat starts to pour off my skin. But in the midst of all this comes comfortable warmth. Sora wraps his arms around my body and holds me tightly to his chest. For some reason it calms the fire inside of me, instead of igniting it. The room finally slows and the colors start to fade. The sobs remain though. I can't seem to control them.

"Baby…" I hear Sora's voice, distantly. "I think you've got a fever…" He whispers, placing his hand on my forehead. His hand is cool and such a relief to my burning body.

I lay limply in his arms as he easily pulls me off the bed. Stepping around the mess on the floor, I notice he's making his way towards the master bathroom. When we reach our destination, Sora sets me on the edge of the tub and pulls my body forward so my I'm leaning against him. He works quickly; turning on the faucets and testing the water before stripping me of my pajama pants.

He eases me gently into the water, careful of my multiple wounds and broken bones. The painful sobs finally ebb leaving me to hiccup in the warm water. I try not to focus on what's going on. Although I love Sora's hands on my body, it's rather embarrassing to be washed like a small child. He doesn't seem bothered by our predicament though. He hums softly as he runs a soapy washcloth down my back. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the feeling of warm water, a sweet little tune and Sora's wonderful hands.

"Your skin is so soft…" Sora suddenly says, breaking me out of my little daze. It's then I realize he's been running his hands up and down my back for no reason. To my disdain, I blush. I haven't heard that one before. My skin, soft? Wow…that's very sweet of him to say.

"I prefer your skin…" I tell him after a moment. "It's rougher…more masculine…" The words bring a frown to my face. What have I become? I used to be somewhat masculine. Now I feel weaker than a woman. I feel pathetic.

Sora draws a figure eight in the soap on my back. I can't help but shiver. He's being a bit erotic right now and I can't help it. "You're body is what's weak right now. You'll build your strength up soon, don't worry."

I nod. I don't want to discuss the matter any further. It's painful. Sora seems to have the same mindset as he suddenly grabs for a bottle of shampoo sitting on the edge of the tub.

"Can I wash your hair?" He asks. I turn around to look at him and can't help but crack a grin. Sora looks like child asking for chocolate at a candy store. It's hard to believe that he is that eager to do something as ridiculous as washing my hair. But honestly, it feels s really nice that he wants to.

"Yeah, sure." I tell him, turning back around. Sora squirts a generous amount of shampoo onto his palm and rubs them together before running his hands through my damp hair. I unwillingly let out a low moan and lean into his touch. God I love it when he touches my hair.

"You like that?" Sora whispers, almost huskily. My body heats up a little, but I push the feeling down. We don't need a repeat of that time on the couch.

"Mmhmm…"

Sora runs his hands through my hair in silence before speaking up again. "Do you like the scent...?"

I open my eyes and sniff. A very romantic strong smell hits my senses. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. "What is it?" I ask him.

"Jasmine. Kairi brought it over the other day while you were sleeping. She said it matches your personality or something girly like that."

I laugh quietly and roll my eyes. "So I'm guessing this is a women scent, yes?"

"Eh yeah…but I think it fits you. She was right." Sora finishes his sentence with a chuckle and then suddenly leans down and kisses my forehead. Because my head is tilted back, my eyes meet his when he pulls away.

"You're so gorgeous…" Sora croons, brushing a random, soap slicked strand of hair back into the mass. "And you smell really, really good…"

I laugh and close my eyes, relishing the two kisses Sora plants on each eyelid. Sora rinses my hair and pulls me out of the tub a few seconds later, the water having gone cold awhile ago. I weakly protest him drying me off, but he refuses to listen. My cheeks feel like they're on fire as he dries me from head to toe.

"I'm gonna go clean up that mess, you wait here for a second." He says, leading me gently to sit on the closed toilet. I grimace and grab his sleeve before he leaves.

"I can clean it, it's my mess." I tell him. I don't want him to clean up my puke. That's just disgusting. I should clean it.

"Absolutely not. You were sick and I love you. This is what love does." Sora exits the room, leaving the door parted to let cool air come in.

_This is what love does. _The words repeat, over and over in my head. My heart starts to bubble with happiness and the smile that graces my lips is genuine. Oh, I think I do love Sora. Very, very much.

Sora returns about five minutes later with a change of clothes. He helps me dress and supports me as we make our way to the living room.

"I'll go make breakfast." He tells me, standing to leave, but I tug him back down with a strength I haven't had in years.

"No." I whisper, moving to sit closer to him on the couch. "We never finished talking. And we need to talk." I don't think I could go through this again. I need to get it all out now. I want to move on with my life and this situation with Axel is holding me back.

Sora looks at me in surprise, obviously not expecting my statement. "Ok…" He says, nodding to show me he's listening.

"I…I want to tell the police." I say slowly, taking a deep breath. Sora grabs my good hand and squeezes it lovingly.

"But I feel like…I need to talk to him." I say, looking Sora directly in the eyes. Sora winces and looks away.

"Riku, that's not a good idea. He fucking raped you. We can't risk that happening again."

"You could come with me." I tell him, almost pleading. "He never hurt me when you were around."

"I know that, but he could snap at any moment. I don't even want him to look at you."

"Please Sora, I need to tell him…how he hurt me and…I need closure." I finish, looking down at our clasped hands.

"I…" Sora starts, rubbing his other hand against his forehead. "I don't know, Riku…it's not smart…"

"I know."

"I'll think about it." He finally says after a moment of awkward silence.

I nod and cuddle up to him, wrapping my arms hesitantly around his waist. Sora sighs and does the same, tucking my head under his chin.

"God you could make me do anything…." He grumbles, kissing the top of my hair. I smile and squeeze his waist causing him to laugh. I tickle him again, and soon he has fallen off the couch in his laughter. I smile down at him and he smiles right back up at me.

No, I don't _think_ I love Sora. I _know _I do.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Thanks for the reviews. I'm still not sure about this story, the inspiration is still lacking. But here's the plot turn everybody's been waiting for. The story is moving now, but I'm not sure If I like the direction its taking. Oh well. Another short chapter. Enjoy the angst.

Evil always lurks. Trust your gut when you feel it upon you.

XX

This morning I woke up anxious. There was an uneasy feelling in the air. Something wasn't quite right. I pushed the feelings away for awhile, and focused my attention on Riku, who now slept in my bed with me every night. Unlike me, Riku didn't sense the wickedness in the air. He didn't sense the lurking danger that seemed to hover around the edges of my apartment. No, today he was happy. And I mean, truly happy. It hurt to see him so happy when I was feeling so anxious.

I tried to be happy with him. He was so talkative and expressive; it was like I was seeing a side of him I've never seen before. His eyes were bright with excitement as he told me about some wild dream he had. Riku loves to talk about his dreams and he loves listening to me rattle on about my boring ones. However, despite his wonderful mood and the fact that he was so beautiful it almost hurt, I couldn't enjoy it. My back felt cold, as if someone were going to jump from the shadows and stab it.

Something was going to happen. Something bad.

Riku seemed to have a little more energy this morning, so he assisted me in making a light breakfast that wouldn't upset his stomach. I should've enjoyed his company. I should have been loving the fact that we were making breakfast together like couples do. I should've been excited that he ate two portions more than usual. I should've cherished the small, shy kiss he planted on my cheek before I left for work. But I didn't. My mind was in turmoil. I was debating leaving for work the whole time we ate. I didn't want to leave him alone, but I had already missed enough days. So I left. God I wish I had stayed.

All day at work I was worried sick. I called home several times, only to get Riku's amused voice telling me he was fine. I was reassured, but only for a minute. The lurking feeling would creep up on me in random moments, tearing the relaxed feeling away and then drowning my form in worried misery. To ease my mind, I visited Kairi's office during lunch.

"Hey Sora, what's up?" Kairi said, turning away from desktop.

"Uh…nothing, just thought I'd stop by." I told her, sitting in the chair across from her desk. Kairi looked me over and then sighed.

"Is Riku okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine." I said, not wanting to let on my worry for said man right now.

"How did he like my shampoo?" She asked with a smirk, grabbing a piece of candy from the bowl in front of her. I grabbed on as well, only to have my hand slapped.

"I dunno, he said it smelled good. And it definitely smelled good on him…" I said, my worried thoughts drifting into sensual ones. I daydreamed for a moment, ignoring Kairi's next words.

"Sora!" She finally snapped, slapping me on the hand. I jumped and looked at her in annoyance. Her next question took whatever annoyance I had with her away and replaced it with worry.

"I asked, have you guys been to the police?"

My mouth ran dry and the evil, wicked feeling in the air drifted into the room almost suffocating me. No, we hadn't. Axel was still free. Axel was still out there. Axel could…still hurt Riku.

"N-no…" I stammered out. My palms started to sweat and I glanced at the clock. Two hours until I could leave. Two more hours and I'd be home with my precious friend again. Two hours for something to go wrong. Two hours for it all to collapse.

Something just wasn't right. Something was going to happen to me…or him.

"Why not?" Kairi asked, worry evident in her voice. "He's a rapist Sora. A rapist who's roaming free. He needs to be jailed. Now."

The image of Axel hurting Riku comes to mind and my eyes widen in fear. "I-I know, we'll…we'll go today. We have to."

"Good, I just don't want him getting hurt again." Kairi said with a sigh.

I abruptly left her, unable to say anything to address her concern. The next hour I spent furiously trying to edit a document, but my mind wouldn't let me. The image of Riku's badly beaten body the night I found him outside my apartment keeps flashing through my mind. The doctor's conversation to me about his injuries and the evidence of rape and the rape test itself follows. Finally, my mind lands on Riku's beautiful, happy face this morning. In that moment, I got the sinking feeling that I wouldn't be returning to that face.

I grabbed the phone on my desk and dialed home, hoping and praying that Riku would pick up. But unlike the five previous times, he didn't. It just rang, and rang and rang. I tried again two minutes later and got the same thing. I called his cell phone. I texted his cell phone. I called the home phone again.

Nothing.

The last hour I spent pacing the room. I should've left, I should've gone home. But I didn't. Something in my mind wanted to believe that he was alright. Maybe he was just napping. Maybe he was taking a bath. Maybe he was listening to his ipod. The innocent part of me wanted to believe these things. The young Sora, the Sora who never experienced any true heartache in his life, the Sora that wanted to believe the world was a safe place to live in. But the mature Sora said no. The mature Sora who had seen the bruises, the whip marks, the tearing, and the blood said no. The Sora who endured his fits of anger said no. The Sora who held him as he cried said no. The Sora who had comforted him during nightmares said no. The Sora who _loved_ him said no.

After realizing this, I left. I didn't tell my boss or any of my co-workers. I just walked out of the office. I left my shoulder bag and anything I brought with me behind. The only thing I remembered were my keys. I sprinted to the car, throwing open the door and starting the car in a matter of seconds.

A mantra repeated through my head as I raced home. Please let him be ok. Please let him be safe. Please let him just be sleeping. My mantra was broken with the flashing blue and red lights in my rearview window. I cursed as I realized I was driving twenty miles per hour above the speed limit. My mind was going insane with worry as the cop took his time in getting out and sauntering up to my window. I didn't even try to explain myself. I told him I was distracted. He nodded, and held me on the side of the road for a good twenty minutes before finally giving me my ticket. By then, I almost felt faint with worry.

I tried to pay attention to the speed limit as I continued on, but I know I went over it again quite a few times. When I reached my apartment, I raced out of my car. My legs weren't moving fast enough for me and I almost stumbled in my effort to reach the elevator which leads me to now.

I feel sick. So sick. My mind is racing, my thoughts tumbling around my head like a dryer drying clothes. My hands tremble as I wait for the elevator to arrive. I almost give up on it and head for the stairs, but it finally arrives. Someone asks me something, someone standing next to me, but I can't hear them. Oh my god, I can't breathe.

A sense of dread hits me as soon as I reach my floor. The floor is quiet, which is normal since most of this floors occupants are young professionals who are probably still at work. But that's not what throws me off. It's my door. It's standing wide open.

My heart hammers in my chest as I slowly approach the dark entryway. I almost want to run away, but I can't. Riku's in there. At least I hope he is. As I reach my door, my heart thuds to the bottom of my chest. My apartment is in shambles. There's glass everywhere, pillows ripped open, and puddles of water from god knows what. But that's not what kills me. That's not what fazes me. It's the blood.

I feel the bile rise up in my throat and I force myself to hold it back. I stumble into my apartment. I don't care if someone is waiting for me. There's blood everywhere...Riku's blood, I know. I know it's his. It's when I see the torn sleep pants that he wears, blooded and almost unrecognizable that I lose it. I just start yelling, screaming for him. The panic is making my voice shrill and desperate. Where is he? I look in the kitchen the bathroom, the foyer. Nothing. I run down the hall towards the bedrooms but stop when I see two figures hidden in the shadows of the den.

My heart thuds and my body tenses in fear. The figures move, one of them seeming to notice me.

"Don't come near." Comes a sharp voice. I was expecting a deeper, vile voice but it's not that. It's boyish, and it's scared.

I turn on the lights.

Blood, it's everywhere in here. The room is more wrecked than the living room. It's a disaster. The room smells of fire, blood and sex. And there in the corner is the most precious person in the world to me. Bloodied, beaten and almost unrecognizable except for his rare shock of white hair. He's lying limply in the arms of a familiar blonde man. He isn't moving, he doesn't seem to be breathing. He doesn't look alive.

The bile in my stomach leaps back into my throat and this time I can't hold it in.


	15. Chapter 15

*** So when I uploaded this chapter, chapter 5 disappeared. So in order to post chapter 5 again, I had to delete all the other chapters that came after it. I am _pissed_. So sorry for any trouble this might have caused. Those of you on alerts probably got around 8 new chapter e-mails. is driving me mad.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Different perspective this time. Hope you enjoy the angst; it'll be this way for a little while.

XX

Axel was the first person I met when I moved to my new town. I was fifteen, angry and lonely. Upon discovering that my sexuality didn't match theirs, my parents uprooted me and my four brothers and moved us to a remote, highly religious town. We left in the middle of the night, my parents wanting to escape before the neighbors overheard the gossip. I never got to say goodbye to my first boyfriend, my first love. My brothers were furious at not only moving, but also my attraction to my own sex. I quickly adapted to the bullying and neglect that went on in my house. My father wouldn't look at me, my mother only prayed for me, and my brothers called me 'faggot' whenever and wherever possible. Those first few months were horrible. That is, until I met Axel.

He was a bad kid. Everybody knew that. He was the son of very rich, successful parents. He got away with all kinds of things because of it. He was spoiled rotten, highly egotistical, and somewhat sadistic. Despite having anything a teenager might possibly want, it wasn't enough for Axel. Axel, like me, was neglected by his parents. They saw him probably once a month. They were always out of town and far away doing god knows what. Axel grew up under the strict thumb of his uncle and several nannies. He told me once that the first happiness and excitement he ever felt in his life was when he shot a bird out of tree with a homemade rock gun at age six. That should've been a warning sign for things to come.

Despite his unsavory characteristics, Axel was charming. Extremely charming. He always knew the right thing to say, the right way to look, and the right way to act. People who might've been suspicious at first were instantly charmed the minute he opened his mouth. He was also kind, when he wanted to be. However, if you looked close enough into his façade, you could see the falseness of his act. Axel was and is, never sincere. His promises are lies, his love is false. As much as I want to deny it, I now know the truth. Axel is a psychopath. His false empathy will _never_ be sincere.

That one day has changed my whole perspective on life. I feel wounded inside. I feel like I'm dying. I feel betrayed and fooled. I feel pathetic. All my trust in him was shattered yesterday.

Five months ago, I met up with him for coffee. And like I was in high school, I was charmed. He was my best friend back then. My only friend. I was too young to see through his façade. Too young to understand that he had ulterior motives. Too young to know that he was plotting my demise from day one. And I guess five months ago, I was still too young. I fell for him, again.

The first two months were amazing. He was sweet, gentle and caring. Everything I ever wanted in a lover. But slowly, things started to change. It all started the first day I met his roommate, Riku. He walked in on us making out and looked shocked. At first I thought his shock stemmed from homophobia, but I slowly realized in the next few days that it was something entirely different. I began to hang out at Axel's apartment regularly. When I did, the albino man looked very upset and pained. Also, he always seemed to be sporting some kind of injury. I found myself wondering why a man so beautiful would be injured like that. The injuries looked intentional, not accidental. Someone was hurting him. And then, the way Axel acted around him was disturbing. There was a thickness in the air whenever they locked eyes. Riku would always tremble, very slightly, almost unnoticeably. And then, Axel would smirk. The smirk was so frightening that I often left soon after.

Then one day, I came over and Riku was gone. Axel told me that they got into an argument and he moved out. I believed him at first, and asked him what they had argued about. Axel yelled at me and told me to mind my own business. The following weeks I grew suspicious. Axel ignored me for the most part, spending a lot of time on his computer instead. He would always be frantically typing, as if he was searching for an answer to some unsolvable problem. Then he started leaving late at night, and coming back early in the morning. He always thought I was asleep, but I always heard him leave and I always heard him come back. I soon started to suspect he was cheating on me. I started snooping, like every jealous lover does. I looked everywhere for some kind of evidence, some kind of clue for what was going on. I found nothing

Every day I debated following Axel. Who was he seeing behind my back? Or if he wasn't seeing someone, what _was_ he doing? Well yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore. He ignored me one too many times.

Late afternoon, he pulled on a black jacket with a hoodie, black pants and black gloves. I was instantly suspicious and a bit scared. He looked like he was about to rob a bank. I asked him where he was going, as it wasn't normal for him to leave in the afternoon, but he didn't answer me.

After he left, my heart started to burn with anger. I knew he was up to no good, and I wanted to know what exactly that 'no good' was. I spent the next hour searching the apartments for clues on his destination. I checked his closet, under the bed, random pieces of papers and the messages on the phone but I found nothing. I was about to give up when I noticed his computer had an e-mail pulled up. To be honest, I felt stupid. I mean, the computer is one of the first places you check, right? Well to my great luck, the e-mail was all I needed. It was from some guy named Seifer and it simply had one address in it. The address Axel was no doubt heading to. I grabbed my phone and keys and ran out the door.

It took almost forty-five minutes to reach my destination. It was a fairly nice apartment complex located in a busy part of the city across town. It looked like an area that housed young professionals as it was both modern and business like in appearance I didn't pay much heed to the building though, my attention was focused on finding Axel and getting some answers. I entered the building, ignoring the questions from the butler near the door. I didn't have time to fraternize, Axel could have already left.

I tried to calm my beating heart as I was in the elevator. The same scenario of Axel cheating on me kept playing through my mind. What would I do if he was? Would I yell? Would my heart literally feel like it was breaking? Would I beat the shit out of him? Would I beat the shit out of the whore he was with? I tried to make myself believe that it was just Axel being Axel. Maybe this was a friend's apartment. Maybe I was worrying for nothing.

However the instant I reached the destination floor, all thoughts of him cheating on me flew out of my mind. The floor was silent of all noises except two. The sound of jeering, followed by harsh sobs. It sounded like something straight out of a horror film. One of the types that involve heinous real-life crimes. It sounded like some sort of gang assault. Some sort of sexual assault.

I forced myself to walk towards the noise and to my utter dismay; the noises were coming from the room number that was listed in the e-mail. I debated knocking. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what was going on in there. But the longer I stood outside, the louder the sobs became. They soon turned into shrieks and then died off abruptly. The jeering continued all the while.

I didn't snap out of my indecision until I heard his voice. Axel's voice. It was faint, but I definitely heard him say "…this is what the bitch deserves…" It all hit me at once. Someone was being raped. Someone was being hurt in the most despicable way possible. I didn't hesitate to try the door, and to the stupidity of the ones inside, it was open.

Thinking back on it now, I should have feared for my life. I was entering into an apartment that belonged to someone I didn't know. I was walking in on one of the worst acts someone could do to another human being. And this wasn't a simple one person attack. There were four people in there. Four people hurting one person. It was sickening, and that's the only thought I had in my mind. I feared nothing as I burst into the room. I held down the bile as I took in the site of a wrecked living room filled with blood. I held back my fear as I walked in the direction of the voices. But I didn't hold back my shout of rage when I walked down the hallway and took in the scene in an adjoining room.

It was almost unimaginable, that scene. It was horrifying, sick and so very, very wrong. It took my mind several seconds to even process the act. I still can't believe it now. How could people be so cruel, so brutal and malicious? How could they stand there and laugh as they degraded another human? How could they force themselves upon him like that and the others willingly hold him down so he couldn't fight back? How could they do this?

When I yelled, they halted their actions. The only sound in the room was their panting and the victim's quiet whimpers of pain. Before I knew what I was doing, I had shoved the man who was on top of the poor albino and punched Axel in the face.

"What the fuck is this?" I yelled, punching him again as he recovered from the first blow.

The three other men in the room moved to attack me, but Axel barked at them to back off. I could barely contain my rage. I wanted to kill them. Every single one of them. I wanted them to burn, I wanted them to be beaten till they couldn't stand, I wanted them to experience what they just did to this man. I wanted them to rot in the deepest depths of hell. I wanted them dead.

"Roxas what the hell are you doing here?" Axel snapped, tucking himself back into his pants. My stomach churned in disgust.

"Shut the fuck up! Just shut up!" I grabbed his collar, pulled back and punched him again. "I'm calling the police, you fucking rapist. Don't you dare try to stop me. You're sick, all of you are fucking sick animals!"

Before the men could react, I dialed the number and barked into the phone the address of the apartment followed by the word rape. The next thing I knew, I was on my back, one of the men having punched me in the gut.

"Don't you touch him." Axel's voice swam into my dazed mind. "We aren't gonna get caught if we leave now, we wore these clothes for a reason."

My mind swam with rage at these words and I stood up shakily, though I knew it was no use. The three men were gone before I stood up. Axel remained, however, smirking at me like I saw him do to Riku a month ago.

I opened my mouth to say something, but he grabbed me and slammed his lips against mine. I struggled, kicking him, biting him, shoving him. Finally he parted, still smirking with bloodied lips.

"I love you." He whispered, before running out of the room, shutting the lights as he went.

I almost followed him. I almost ran after those animals. But I knew it wouldn't be worth my effort. I was one against four. Plus, this poor man needed help. My god, why Riku? Why him?

I stumbled over to the place where he was collapsed. I could barely recognize him in his state. He was covered in blood and bodily fluids. His chest looked hollow as if several if not all ribs were broken. One of his cheekbones looked sunken in and I immediately suspected it had shattered. There were huge welts covering his face, giving it a burned appearance and one of his ears was horribly torn. The state of his body made me sick to my stomach and I felt horrible for feeling that way. He was no longer whimpering, his body still and stiff. I glanced at his eyes and gasped when I noticed the paleness to them. It was as if he were blind. They were clouded.

I didn't want to move him. I had learned once in a first aid class that you never move an injured person. But upon inspecting his position, I noticed several sharp objects buried in his back. He was partially lying on his back, and the objects were digging deeper and deeper into him. If I didn't move him, he'd probably pierce a vital organ or his spine. I gently pulled him up by his elbows, hoping and praying that his arms weren't broken. He didn't make a noise. He seemed to be out of it, but not completely unconscious.

I moved his head to rest on my shoulder and wrapped my arms around his lower back. It was then I noticed the horrible burns on his legs. It was as if scalding hot water were thrown at them. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw some of his bone in the burned flesh. These were third degree, most definitely. I realized then that not only had Axel and his friends intended on raping Riku, they were probably going to kill him as well. This wasn't a lustful act, it was a bloodthirsty one. The rape was merely another way to hurt him. Another way to cause him unbearable pain and suffering before he died.

I held back the emotions fighting to overtake my mind. I didn't think about my part in this. I would worry for Riku. I didn't want to think about how Axel was a rapist and would be murderer. I didn't want to think about how hours before I got here, I had loved Axel. I didn't want to think about how I'd been lied to. How I'd been fooled.

I held Riku there in my arms, running my hand over his blood matted hair to comfort him. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer. He wasn't there anymore. His eyes were just opened, they weren't seeing. I checked his pulse constantly, and to my relief I would always feel it. Weak, but holding on.

I jumped when I heard footsteps. I hoped it was the police and the paramedics. I tried not to think about how I would be leaving this building in handcuffs. I was the prime suspect, so I would be arrested. It was a scary thought, but it didn't amount to the worry I had for the man in my arms.

I realized it wasn't help when I heard a yell. I worried that it was Axel and his men, back to finish the job, but it wasn't. The voice was frantic. The voice was scared. I heard the footsteps running in different directions, doors slamming and opening. I knew he would find us soon, and I tensed as I heard him near the room.

"Don't come near." I snapped, as he appeared in the doorway. I didn't know who this man was or what he wanted. I had to protect the man in my arms, he didn't deserve anymore pain.

The lights snapped on and I felt my heart thud to the bottom of my chest.

Sora…

He looked at us with a look of pure horror before he stumbled over to the corner of the room and threw up.

And then came the sirens.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Eh, I probably should have put in a warning for last chapter. Sorry if I scared any of you away.

In response to reviewer who I will keep anonymous: This is my story. I don't care if you don't want Roxas to have a POV. This is my story and I'll do with it what I please. Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't put in it. Also, I don't know why you're calling Kairi a bitch in this story. She doesn't even play a key role. Seriously.

Anyway, please enjoy and please review.

_Stay jealous and you'll wonder why the sun never shines and the rain is always cold. Jealousy is poison. The world is ugly when it shows face._

XX

Pain doesn't even begin to describe the emotional state I'm in right now. The past two weeks have gone by in a blur. I've been questioned by the police more times than I can count, my answer always being I don't know. Every day I come home from work to more than ten messages on my phone. My neighbors, being the nosy young people they are, constantly pester me the minute I leave my apartment. Most of them don't know what happened as it has been kept under wraps, but it unnerves me to know end. Yesterday I yelled at one women who had asked me who was on the gurney that left my apartment. I know she meant no harm, but just remembering the scene from a week ago made me sick to my stomach.

The details of the attack are horrifying. I still cannot fathom that it was a gang rape. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I beat myself up every day, desperate to go back in time, desperate to change what I did. I should've stayed home. I should've been there for him. I should've been there to protect him. I can't imagine the pain he went through. The thought of him being held down, beaten and violated keeps me up all night, every night. When I do manage to fall off for a bit, the nightmares immediately wake me up.

The nightmares are horrendous. I've never been one to suffer from night terrors, so the addition of such dreams to my sleep has stressed me considerably. The minute I close my eyes I am plagued by the image of Riku's horribly battered body. I hear the noise of the sirens, the sound of booted police officers running towards the room and demanding I raise my hands up. It brings me back to being arrested, as both Roxas and I were immediate suspects. It brings me back to long hours of questioning and two nights in jail. It brings me back to pacing the hospital floors, unable to get an update on Riku's health. It brings me back to now. My hell.

My boss has given me indefinite leave, as I am unable to function at work. Five days after the attack, I just sat at the desk, staring at the documents, unable to process that there were words written on the paper. My boss came in, knowing the situation I was in, and told me to leave. He told me he wasn't firing me but giving me a break. I appreciate his kindness, as I was thinking of quitting work the same day.

Yesterday, Kairi forced me to see a counselor to be evaluated for post-traumatic stress. I hadn't wanted to go, but I did for Kairi's sake. Turns out, I have it. The doctor prescribed me several anti-anxiety medicines that should help with the stress, but so far they aren't working. My mind is always on Riku. I can't function without him.

The doctors have been hush on his condition. I've asked if I could see him multiple times, but every nurse I asked told me he would have to request my presence for me to see him. Having been at the hospital all day every day, I've overheard a few nurses discussing Riku's condition. A few days ago, the nasty nurse whom I've grown to hate was talking about how he cries for hours. Another, kinder nurse chastised her and told her that he couldn't help it. My heart almost broke at their words. Riku, who rarely cries, was crying alone in his room. Nobody was there to comfort him.

The section of the hospital Riku is in is an unusually quiet place. Sometimes I'll be the only person sitting in the waiting room. Several of the nurses have taken pity on me and regularly get me coffee or engage in small talk. I appreciate their gestures, but sometimes I wish they'd just let me see Riku or leave me alone. Lately, though, there has been another presence in the waiting room, and I'm not sure if I like this one as well.

I didn't realize until a couple of days after Riku's attack that I knew Roxas. I was sitting at the police station, being questioned once again when they brought him out. He looked as stressed and upset as I did. It was only when he looked me right in the eye did the memories surface. My first boyfriend who just up and disappeared one day, was sitting across from me. He recognized me as well and offered a small, sad smile. The police questioned us both, and Roxas told them that he followed Axel to the apartment out of jealousy and walked in on the attack and then I told them my side. They held us for another day before releasing both of us. There wasn't any evidence we had contributed to the attack. The particles of clothing and bodily fluids on Riku's body attested to a different person, or several different people.

Before they let us go, the police asked if we knew of anyone that might have had a reason to attack Riku. We both said Axel, and Roxas told me he had seen all four men that had attacked him. The police are currently trying to locate Axel and his friends, but so far no luck.

We don't talk much, me and Roxas. There's an awkwardness between us I cannot explain. Sometimes we'll talk about nothing in particular, but both of us are shell-shocked and not really interested in figuring out what happened to the other. From his statement to the police, I know he dated Axel. The thought annoys me for some reason, though I don't pay much attention to it. Yesterday he asked me what my relationship with Riku was and I didn't know how to answer him. I snapped at him and told him to leave me alone. I kind of feel bad for it, but deep down I don't really care.

Today I walk down the familiar hallways of the hospital. It saddens me that I've come to memorize this place and its white walls and dull paintings. I've been here too long. He's been here too long. When I reach the waiting room I spot the also familiar spiky blond hair. For some reason I feel a sense of jealousy coming on. Something about Roxas being here before me makes me upset. I kind of feel like he's infringing on my territory. I know it sounds horrible, but I don't want him in Riku's life. I want to be the only one in Riku's life.

The minute I step into the room, the kind nurse walks up to me with a huge grin on her face. I cross my fingers, hoping that this smile means good news.

"Sora, how are you?" She says, glancing over at Roxas beckoning for him to join us. My eyes narrow involuntarily.

"I'm fine. What's going on?" I ask, wanting to get straight to the point. Roxas joins us and glances at me. I hold back an annoyed glare and focus my attentions on the nurse. Now is not the time to be childish.

The nurse glances between us in curiosity before speaking. "Well I need to explain a few things first." She says, her grin disappearing to be replaced by a serious businesslike face.

"Riku was highly traumatized, as is often the case with attacks like these. As far as physical injuries go, he's suffered several broken ribs and his arm that was healing was shattered. The pieces of metal in his back were removed, and thankfully have done no nerve damage. He suffered third degree burns to his legs, which required several skin grafts. Those will be very painful for months to come. The welts on his face will heal in time and we're doing everything we can to prevent scaring. He's got dozens of bruises and cuts and lacerations, but those will heal just find. He also has tearing…" The nurse pauses, letting this sink in. Both Roxas and I wince and my heart hurts in my chest. "However, those will heal alright too. The reason I'm telling you all this is because Riku has requested you…both of you."

Part of me wants to leap in excitement. Knowing that Riku has finally requested to see me and that after two weeks of painful waiting I will finally see him, was almost overwhelming. However, my mood is dampened slightly by the request for both me and Roxas. I feel the annoyance I felt this morning seep back into me. I want to see Riku alone. I put this out of my mind, though, knowing that being jealous will do me know good. What's important right now is getting to Riku and showing him how much I love him.

"Before I take you back there, I need to explain a few more things." The nurse says, her expression changing from businesslike to concern. My heart tightens. That face is not a good sign. "The emotional impact of the attack was strong for Riku. For the past two weeks, he wouldn't speak. He would cry but that was all. He won't eat, so we have to feed him through a tube. He also cannot see. The doctors are trying to figure out if it's physical or just his senses shutting down out of shock. Right now it's looking temporary, and he should regain his sight in a few weeks to a month."

Blind. My beautiful precious Riku is blind. I don't care if it's temporary or not. He's blind. He cannot see. No wonder he's so scared and has been crying. He cannot see where he is and all he hears are the voices of those he doesn't know. His hearing has most likely intensified from his lack of sight and the sounds of the hospital aren't pleasant in the least. My poor baby.

"May I see him, please?" I ask the nurse. I don't want to hear anymore, I just want to see him now.

"Of course, follow me."

We follow the nurse down the wide hallways, past several gossiping nurses and worried looking doctors. We finally stop at the end of a hall located in the east of the wing. The nurse walks up to room 112 and knocks on the door. We wait in silence, hearing the sounds of pattering shoes coming near us from inside the room. A tall male nurse slowly opens the door, recognizes us, smiles and beckons for us to come in.

"Please no loud noises, his ears are very sensitive." He says in a whisper. "And be careful; don't touch him without letting him know you're here."

Both Roxas and I nod and quietly make are way into the room. The lights are dimmed and there are several bouquets of flowers in the small space. Apparently the nurses have taken a shine to Riku and have decorated his room, despite him not being able to see it. Instead of the usual cold sheets on the bed, there are two thick fleece blankets and lots of large fleece pillows. Nestled in all of the pillows is Riku.

I resist the urge to run and gather him into my arms, but the urge is intensifying with every second. With the blood wiped away, I can see the full extent of his injuries. He looks so broken and weak that I want to cry. The welts on his face are horrifying but that doesn't even compare to his burned legs and heavily bandaged chest. I slowly look over his body, taking in every other injury and weeping silently for all of them. The room is silent as the male nurse and the nurse that accompanied us exit to give us some time. I ignore Roxas's presence, focusing solely on Riku's injuries. God, he must be in so much pain.

"S-sora?" He wheezes, staring in the wrong direction as if that was where I was standing. My resolve falls at this action.

"Oh baby…" I breathe out, approaching the bed quickly to hold his hand. He flinches, but doesn't pull away from my touch to my greatest relief. I yelp as he suddenly tugs at my hand causing me to fall next to him on the bed. I'm not sure what he wants. Was that an accident or does he want me to…

"Hold me, please." He whispers, his voice wavering as his bottom lip starts to tremble. "Please, Sora. I'm so scared…I'm so scared…"

I slowly wrap my arms around his shoulders and ease his head to lie in the crook of my neck. I don't risk pulling him close; I might injure him if I do. I hear Roxas shuffle in the background and despite wanting to tell him to leave, Riku requested him here for a reason and I have no right to interfere.

"Riku, sweetie, Roxas is here too." I tell him, tentatively running one of my hands across the back of his neck. Riku shifts in my awkward embrace and opens his eyes, though he sees nothing.

"Roxas?" He calls, his voice stronger now.

"Yeah?" Roxas answers, moving to sit on the other side of the bed. Riku suddenly turns and reaches out blindly to the blonde, his hand in the wrong direction. A spike of jealousy hits me as Roxas gently takes his hand in his and caresses the top of it.

"T-thanks." Riku stutters out, closing his eyes suddenly as two small tears track down either side of his face. "T-they said they were going to kill me…I-I couldn't fight them…"

Roxas seems pained by his words, his lips are turned down into a frown and his eyebrows are furrowed. "I'm so sorry this happened to you." He says after a moment. "I had no idea…I had no clue…"

"Not your fault…" Riku mumbles into my neck. His lips tickle a sensitive area and I have to use all my strength not to react. It would be highly inappropriate if I did.

We remain in silence. Riku seems content to just lie in my arms quietly. My jealousy had just started to calm when Roxas started to remove his hand, only to skyrocket again when Riku whimpered in protest. I feel bad for feeling this way. Roxas doesn't mean any harm, at least I think he doesn't, and Riku is desperate for affection and safety. I feel like a prick for being jealous of their locked hands. Hell, up until now only I had cared for him. Maybe he needs more than just me. The thought, though reasonable, angers me.

"Sora?" Roxas says, breaking me out of my envious thoughts. I glance at him over Riku's head and give him an annoyed look.

"What?" I ask, rubbing my hands possessively over Riku's lower back. Something about the way he's looking at Riku aggravates me. Maybe I'm just seeing things.

"Are you mad at me or something?" He asks, frowning back at my annoyed look. I bite my lip and glance down to find that Riku has fallen asleep. Good, he doesn't need to hear any of this.

"Why are you here?" I snap. Okay, maybe I'm being a little too protective, but damn it I want to be alone with Riku.

"Because I care about him." Roxas says, a look of annoyance joining my similar look.

"Why?"

"Why? What do you mean why?" Roxas snaps, glaring at me now. "I walked in on him being raped by my boyfriend! How the fuck do you think I feel, huh? I saw him being _raped_. I _have_ to care about him."

I pause, taking in his outburst. He is right. I don't want to admit it, but he is right.

"You do know that Axel was dating Riku, right?" I say after a few seconds, calming my voice. At this Roxas's eyebrows skyrocket and he sputters in disbelief.

"The fuck?" He finally gasps out, looking at me as if I were crazy.

"Yeah, he cheated on him with you. That's why Riku left."

"Axel told me he was his roommate."

"You're going to sit there and tell me that you still believe Axel? After all this?" I snap. We both quiet down as Riku mumbles something in his sleep. I make sure Riku is sleeping soundly again before speaking up.

"I'm sorry he did this." I tell him, honestly. "He's a fucking bastard and I'm sorry you got pulled into this shit."

Roxas doesn't answer me. He merely stares off into the distance, his hand still firmly holding Riku's. I watch quietly as flurry of emotions flash across his face. Anger, sadness, betrayal. I open my mouth to say something when he locks eyes with me.

"So this…" He motions towards Riku with his free hand. "I'm assuming that he was abused before…before all this."

I nod.

Before I can screech in absolute protest, Roxas leans over and kisses Riku's temple. He whispers a quiet 'I'm sorry' before removing his hand from my sleeping friend's and standing.

"I…I have to go." He says, his expression full of sadness. "I have a lot to think about. I'll see you…tomorrow maybe." And with that, he leaves.

I remain in the darkening room, unable and unwilling to let Riku go. Part of me is relieved and somewhat at peace. Though I know the future is grim, being here in this moment, holding him, is perfect. Granted, tomorrow will be rough and god knows how many hard tomorrows there will be. All I know is that I'm going to be there for him every step of the way. He will heal from this. I'll make sure of it.

The other part of me clouds my peace. It's a slow burning, slow growing feeling that threatens to ruin any sort of future peace I might have. It's like a sponge soaking up water, its fast. It's like a fire burning down a home, it needs to be stopped. This feeling, this jealousy, is something new and very frightening. If I don't get it under control, things will fall apart. I can't help Riku while being jealous of someone I used to love. I can't help Riku with this anger and frustration with my heart. I need to let it go.

But goddamn it, letting go is never easy.

xx


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Ah, inspiration fails me once again. I don't like this chapter, but at least it leaves me with options. I'll figure it out. Thanks for the reviews.

Watch out for greed and envy. Alone, they cause chaos. Together, they ruin lives.

XX

Seven weeks of being holed up in a hospital has taken its toll on Riku. Lately he has been extremely irritable. Some days he'll be fine, friendly and quiet. Other days he'll be angry and rude. I'm not sure how to help him during this time. He is very apprehensive and distrusting. I haven't touched him since the first day I was able to see him. He seems to hate my touch.

Yesterday I tried to talk to him about, well anything and he blew up on me. His anger is understandable, but I can't deny that it hurts. It hurts to be yelled at when all you're trying to do is help. He will always apologize, though. Sometimes he'll burst into tears after an outburst, begging me not to leave him. It breaks my heart when he does this. I always guarantee that I'll stay, but I know deep down he doesn't believe me. The attack has stolen any ounce of trust he has left in humanity. If I look deep into his eyes I can see the expected betrayal. He's always waiting, watching for rejection. It's as if he has come to accept it even though it's not even there.

In two days he will be released. His bruises and cuts have healed and his arm is steadily recovering. The tearing has also healed along with his wrist that he broke awhile ago. The burns on his legs are healing slowly and painfully. The doctors told me that he had been burned with hot oil, not water, which causes more severe burns. Walking will be difficult for him for months to come. The welts on his face have faded but have left scars in their place. They're only noticeable if you look close, but Riku is ashamed of them none the less. He runs his hands over them constantly, eyes tearing up as he does. Finally, his sight. The doctors determined that it was stress related and that he would eventually gain his sight back, but so far he hasn't. They predicted about a month, but it's been a month and three weeks and no such luck. I'm starting to worry he will never see again. It's a terrifying thought.

As for myself, I started back at work again. I actually appreciate it now as it takes my mind off of Riku for a few hours. As much as I hate to say it, I need a break from him. The stress in my life is almost unmanageable and Riku's mood swings aren't helping. I feel horrible for being happy to leave him for the evening. I feel like a bad friend. A worthless friend. Sometimes I'll be so excited to leave that I miss that rejected look in his eyes. I only remember when I'm home, alone in my apartment that I had hurt him. Lately I've been leaving earlier as Riku gets cranky late at night. Last night he asked me to stay with him, but I couldn't handle any more stress and told him I had work that needed to be done by the morning. Thinking back now, I should've stayed. I forgot that Riku has no one. That his parents don't care and that he has no real friends. As stressful as it would have been, I should have stayed. Hell, Riku's probably experiencing triple the stress I'm feeling. After all, he was the one who was beaten and raped, not me. My stress is nothing compared to his.

So I guess I deserve being replaced this evening. I don't want to admit it, but I know I deserve it. As I approach his room this evening I hear the distinct sound of him laughing quietly. I'm shocked as I haven't heard him laugh in forever. I expect to open the door and find him watching some stupid television show, but no, it's something totally different.

The scene makes my blood boil in envy. There is Riku, his head resting on Roxas's lap as Roxas strokes his beautiful white locks. They are talking animatedly about something I don't care to know about. All I care about is why Roxas is touching Riku so intimately and why Riku isn't the least bit bothered by it. I had tried touching him a week ago and he nearly bit my hand off. Apparently he is only bothered by my touch as he looks rather comfy all cuddled up with Roxas.

"What is going on?" I snap at them, getting straight to the point. I want to yell at Roxas for daring to touch my Riku. Especially in a spot that I highly favor and don't want anyone else's hands touching.

Riku winces, his ears extra sensitive to loud noises. I feel bad and mentally note that I need to lower my voice, despite my anger.

"We're talking." Roxas says, looking at me in annoyance. "I thought you told Riku you weren't coming today."

I frown and think back to the previous night. To my annoyance, I do remember telling him I wasn't going to come. I was angry, upset and stressed beyond belief. Riku had started crying out of nowhere and I had nearly lost it, having grown tired of his tears. I guess I forgot all about that. What a stupid dickhead of a friend I am.

"Since when did you start coming around here?" I bark, switching the subject.

"I've been visiting him every morning. What the hell have you been doing?" Roxas barks right back. I nearly start yelling when he starts running his hand up and down Riku's back in soothing circles.

"I've been visiting him every evening." I answer, tersely. Roxas snorts and continues his back rub. Riku appears to be uninterested in our argument. He merely lies there, closing his eyes as if he is sleeping. Yet, if I look close enough, I can tell he is upset. He is merely laying on the proud Riku act that he used to put on. In reality, he is troubled and…hurt.

"Right, but you make him feel like crap every time you're here. All you care about is your stress. You don't care about him." Riku winces at this declaration and I nearly lose my cool. How dare he tell me I don't care about Riku? Riku is my life. Riku is my love. Riku is my heart. How dare he think he can suddenly appear in my life and tell me how I feel about him? How _dare_ he.

"You don't know anything." I snap, clenching my fists. "Don't you dare think that you're replacing me. Why the fuck are you acting like this in the first place? What, are you going to tell me you're in love with him? Is that it?"

Riku tenses at this statement and looks like he is about to cry. Did I say something wrong? Wait…does he _like _Roxas?

"What if I did? What would you do?" Roxas answers quietly, looking me dead in the eye. The blood drains from my head and I suddenly feel faint. Did Roxas just hint at something? Does Roxas _like_ Riku?

"You're telling me you love him? For real?" I ask in an annoyed tone. At this Riku snaps his eyes open. I almost gasp at the pain so evidently shining in them.

"S-so no one can love me, Sora?" He whispers, batting his eyelids to hold back the tears.

It suddenly daunts on me that I have been putting Riku down that entire conversation. In my possessiveness, I have just made taunts at Roxas's supposed feelings, like they weren't possible. Had I not been so struck with jealousy I would've have noticed my misstep.

"Riku…" I start with a sigh. "That's not true…I'm just…"

I don't know what to say. I'm not keen on expressing my feelings in front of Roxas for several reasons. One, they are private. Two, I don't like Roxas. Three, it is currently two against one and they have the upper hand.

"You're just what?" Roxas speaks up with a sneer. "You know, you sound really jealous and possessive. Everything he doesn't need right now."

Well, that just pisses me off. My dislike for Roxas is growing steadily by the moment. It is slowly turning from dislike to something deeper. "Would you just shut the fuck up?" I snap, resisting the urge to run over there and grab Riku from him.

"Would you act you your age?" Roxas's back rub has slowly turned vicious and Riku pushes his hand away in protest.

"Both of you leave, now." His jaw clenches as he sits up slowly in the bed."Just go."

Roxas frowns and quickly pulls away from Riku. "I'm sorry." He whispers, reaching for Riku's hand. To my aggravated surprise, Riku pulls it away and folds it to his chest.

"Get out." He whispers, anger evident in his features. For some reason, Riku's attitude is rubbing me the wrong way. For the past seven weeks and the five weeks before that, I have cared for Riku. I have never hurt him and I always give him my best. I show him I love him every day. I help him with everything and love him through his worst moments. But there comes a breaking point for everyone. Now, people have told me I am a patient person. And I like to believe I am, because patience is an important thing to have. However, the stress and frustration from the past seven weeks has finally grown too high. I am fucking sick of it. So I'm going to let loose all this anger right now. I no longer care.

"You know what, I am so fucking sick of your bitchy attitude." I hiss. Riku's eyes widen and he glances in my general direction. I don't want him to think I'm talking to Roxas, so I blabber on. "Yes, I'm talking to you, Riku."

"What the hell, Sora shut up." Roxas says, a hint of concern in his voice. Frankly, I am too far gone to care. I'm going to set my feelings out on the table right here and now and no one is going to stop me.

"I'm not talking to you." I snap, glaring at Roxas for a second before turning back to Riku. Riku has this odd expression on his face that I don't care to read at the moment.

"Why don't you just snap out of this?" I yell. "I'm so fucking tired of listening to you whine and cry and every time I try to help you, you push me away. Why can't you just get your shit together and fucking man up? No wonder you got the fucking shit beaten out of you every day, you act like such a damn woman. I'm so damn sick of you."

The room is silent. Roxas is staring at me with his mouth wide open. I am heaving as I spent way too much energy yelling. And Riku…Riku looks lost. My words come rushing back to me when he starts to tremble lightly. He wraps his arms around his knees and buries his face in them, so I cannot see him start to cry. Never before in my life have I felt like such a bastard. What I have just said is beyond offensive and for the life of me I wish I could take it back.

I stand here for god knows how long. The words that I had screamed at him played like a broken record in my head. Over and over again I put him down. I took his insecurities, his weaknesses, and threw them in his face. I took an extremely personal and traumatic experience and belittled him. I made him feel worthless and weak. I have hurt him, to some degree, the same way Axel did. I'm a monster.

And all of this is because I was envious. Because I was possessive and selfish. I deserve any hate he might direct at me from now on.

The silence is finally broken when Roxas reaches forward and touches Riku's knee. This time, Riku doesn't pull away, but he doesn't react to the touch either. He just remains huddled there, making no noise at all.

"It's not true…" Roxas whispers, rubbing Riku's knee softly. "It's not true…"

I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle what I've done. I leave the room, making my way quickly out of the hospital. I can't believe what I have just done. I have hurt him so badly.

As I walk into the parking lot I notice a silver dust covering the cars. I look up into the street light and see the telltale sign of winter: snow. The beauty of the snow only reminds me of his silver hair, it only reminds me that this is his favorite season, it only reminds me of him.

I get into my car and sit there. I can't make myself turn the car on to go home. I can't make myself think of anything else other than what I've done. How could I have done this to him when he is so fragile? I've probably just ruined everything with him. How could he trust me after this? How could he love me after this?

_Sora, how could you?_


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate them. Warning, this chapter describes detailed rape. Just letting you guys know as I had a couple of shocked reviewers awhile back. So be warned.

XX

The darkness of night has never bothered me so much before. When I was little, I used to love nighttime. Nighttime meant safety. The darkness used to hide me from danger. When my dad came searching for me to pimp me out, I would hide in the dark depths of my room. When my parents hit a little too hard or I had been without food for several days, I would leave in the middle of the night and go to my grandmother's. Nights at my grandmother's house were always good nights. I would detest morning, when it came. With morning came my drunk or drugged parents, finally home from crashing at a crack house. Morning meant hot coffee being thrown in my face, being kicked down the stairs and out the door, or worse, being shipped off to some perverted man's home. No, mornings were never good when I was young, but now I long for morning.

All I can hear is his voice repeating in my head. I've never felt more worthless and disgusting in my life. And I've also never felt guiltier. I should've known that his patience would run thin eventually. I deserve it all, though. I love Sora, but his touch is painful. The feelings his hands bring are physically comfortable and sweet, but the mental shame that I feel when he does ruins those touches.

Ever since the attack, I've felt like I've been teetering on the edge of sanity and insanity. During quiet moments of the day, I've thought about what it would be like to die. I've thought about the easiest way to leave and whether it would be worth it or not. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but the thoughts are definitely there. Life just seems so daunting now. Leaving this hospital will probably be the scariest thing I've ever had to do. Mainly because Axel and those men are still out there, but partially because I'll be completely alone when I leave.

It took me so long to come to terms with what happened. The first two weeks I sat in my hospital room, alone, and cried. I'm not a crier, but I had nothing left. I still have nothing left. Half the time I don't feel human, I just feel blank. I couldn't fathom what happened, and I still struggle through the thoughts of the attack. It was horrible. I felt so sick and disgusting as the continually touched me. I couldn't fight them; my strength was already depleted from months of malnutrition and beatings. I remember begging, just begging for them to stop. But they wouldn't. They just kept going, and going, and going.

_Sora was acting weird this morning. Today I woke up feeling better than I ever had before, but Sora wasn't exactly feeling the same way. He tried to hide his obvious upset mood, but I could see through his disguise. I wonder, maybe he is mad at me? Did I say something, or do something wrong? I can't think of anything that I might've done to tick him off. _

_I helped him cook breakfast, something I normally don't do because I tire easily. Sora seemed surprised, but he didn't comment on it. I was actually able to hold the breakfast down which I am really excited about. I haven't felt full for about a year. _

_As he was leaving, I got the sudden urge to kiss him. I felt awkward, seeing as we aren't dating and we are technically still friends, but I wanted to show my appreciation to him in some way. He seemed shocked as I leant forward and kissed him on the cheek. He managed a small smile and told me to enjoy my day before leaving. _

_I spent most of the morning tidying the apartment before collapsing onto the couch in exhaustion. Just the simplest tasks take me forever to complete. I have only finished cleaning the bathroom and tidying the living room. My arm and wrist make it difficult for me to accomplish much. I flip on the TV after a short nap and roll my eyes at some ridiculous drama currently playing. The phone rings and I instantly grab it, desperate for some distraction. It's Sora._

"_Hey are you alright?" He asks, I can hear a hint of worry in his voice and I chuckle lightly. _

"_Yeah, I'm good. What's wrong?" _

"_Nothing, I was just wondering if you were okay or not. I've got to get back to work, sorry for bothering you."_

"_Yeah…okay." I hang-up, frowning in confusion. Sora has never called me before when he is at work. It's confusing. I continue to watch the series of dramas, answering Sora's calls every so often. I'm starting to get annoyed with them, as he won't tell me why he keeps calling. I'm about to switch the channel when I hear a quiet knock at the door. _

_Should I answer it? I don't know. A feeling of apprehension washes over me as I walk towards the door. Maybe it's Kairi, or one of Sora's other friends. Or it could be a package. Yeah, it's probably a package. I reach the door and fumble with the lock nervously. _

"_Hello…" I get out before gasping as I'm flung to the floor. I look up and my heart starts thudding madly. No, no fucking way. No, please no. _

"_I've been looking all over for you." He whispers, stepping inside the apartment. Three men follow him, leering at me as if I'm some sort of stripper. _

"_G-get out." I stammer, struggling to stand from the hard fall. Axel smirks and kicks me in t he gut, sending me flying across the room. Fuck, I'm dead. He's going to kill me, I know it. Oh my god, I'm going to die. I can't think straight, I can't run, fuck, I can't stand up. _

"_You know, bitch, I applaud you on hiding for so long." He sneers as he approaches me slowly. "Took me forever to find you…but now that I have, you're going to fucking pay with your life."_

_I whimper as the four men crowd around me. What are they doing? Why are they here too? What are they going to do to me? Fucking god, I'm going to die. I start begging, not understanding the words coming out of my mouth. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I'm begging. This can't happen. Oh god this can't happen. _

_Axel grabs my hair and jerks me towards him, my face level with his crotch. I suddenly realize what's going on and what's going to happen. I'm going to die, but not before I'm stripped of all my dignity. The realization is so sick. I forget about putting up a strong front and immediately start trembling. I'm about to go through hell, pure hell, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I wish they would just kill me now and rape my dead corpse. Anything would be better than this. Anything. _

"_Mmm, I think you know what we want." Axel whispers, unbuckling his belt extremely slow. "Fucking slut, running off to fuck your best friend. This is your punishment Riku, or maybe your present. Now you'll get all the cocks you'd ever possibly want." _

_I whimper and jerk back from his touch. I nearly scream when the other three men descend on me, touching, grabbing, and jerking anything in sight. The feeling of violation is so prominent that I feel like passing out. I gasp and hit the man roughly grabbing my crotch. No, please god no, not this. Not like this. The urge to fight suddenly appears in my mind and I instantly start to struggle. I hit, punch, grab and push whatever I can. My broken wrist burns with the impacts, but I don't care. I need to get away. I have to. This can't happen to me. _

_But, I'm one against four and I have no chance of getting away. My neck burns as one of the men roughly bites into it. _

"_Sit still, bitch, or I'll give you something to really whine about." He growls, roughly pulling down my pants. I gasp and claw at the men, crying out as Axel tugs my head towards his crotch again. I vaguely realize that he's unbuttoned his pants and his hardened flesh is in my face before he jams it past my lips and down my throat. The urge to throw up is high and I can feel my breakfast leaping and falling in my stomach. I can barely breathe and Axel seems to find this hilarious. He chuckles cruelly and pinches my nose shut, making it impossible for me to catch a breath. _

_I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to run and hide away and never come back out. I want to go back to this morning with Sora. God, Sora…I want Sora so bad. I need him. Sora would stop this. Sora would hug me and tell me it's alright. Sora would protect me. _

_I gasp around Axel's cock and struggle violently as I feel my boxers being pulled away. I feel so bare, so humiliated and worthless. The men behind me start jeering and mocking my body. The familiar words of ugly, pathetic and disgusting are thrown at me. They sting like a thousand little needles piercing my skin. What hurts, though, are Axel's words. He laughs at me, calling me his pet, his slave, his possession. The constant insults are starting to get to me, as much as I try to block them I can't. I am worthless. I am pathetic. And in this moment, Axel does have control over me. I just want to die. I just want them to kill me already. _

_The tears that had been threatening to fall this entire time spring out of my eyes as one of the men jabs three fingers into me. Axel chuckles and tells the man to use his fist. My mind starts to shut down as they violate me. The man with the fingers enters me, as Axel uses my face. The room is turning hazy as they take turns, and then take more turns, and more turns. Every time they finish, the ejaculate on my face, making my stomach clench and struggle to hold its contents. _

_I'm vaguely aware of them as they drag me to another room. I don't know where we're headed; I just know they plan to kill me in this next room. For several minutes, I lay on the floor alone. I struggle to breathe through the mess on my face and cry out as one of the men pinches my genitals extremely hard. _

"_Oh, Riku babe this is far from over." I faintly hear his voice. "You haven't suffered enough for me. Get on your knees, bitch."_

_I can't. I roll onto my side and am immediately met with a kick to the ribs. I can hear myself screaming, but it doesn't sound like me. It's a voice so tortured, so broken. I cannot recognize it as my own, and I don't wish to. _

_Axel stomps over to me and grabs me by the hair, jerking me to a kneeling position. "Fucking do as I say you worthless shit."_

_I can't hold myself up, and the minute he lets go, I collapse on the floor. The men are laughing, mocking my awkward position. I curl instinctively in on myself. I'm just waiting for death now. I hope it comes soon. I can't take much more of this. _

_Suddenly, my legs are on fire. The scream that tears through my throat threatens to rip my vocal cords. I writhe on the floor, unable to cool my legs. It burns like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel my vision start to go in and out as the men part my legs once again, and fuck me. In the background, behind my screams and wails of pain, Axel talks to me. Only I can hear his words, as the men are too busy fucking or touching me. _

"_So, you seriously thought Sora would want this…god if only you could see yourself." He whispers, pulling my hair so several strands come out into his hand. "You're fucking pathetic. You can't even sit up. You stupid bitch, how dare you try to leave me. I end things, Riku. I end things. So I'm going to end you."_

_For some reasons, his words bring comfort. All I want to do right now is die. I hope he'll kill me soon. The pain is almost unbearable. I can barely breathe as another man is sliding his cock down my throat. My legs are on fire as whatever they poured on them won't rub away, and my backside has never felt so much pain. Suddenly, sharp pains in my back join the haze of pain I'm in._

"_Heh, stick one up his ass, that'll really get him screaming." Axel says, pulling another clump of hair out of my head. _

_The sharpest pain I've ever felt fills my body and the room suddenly goes black. The last word I hear is "goodbye." _

_I float to consciousness slowly, the feeling of someone cradling my body drags me to the surface. "Oh my god, please be alive, please…" I hear the voice whisper. _

"_How could he do this…?" He whispers again. "Jesus Christ, why you?"_

"_Can you hear me, Riku? Please answer me, please. You're going to be alright, I called the police and an ambulance is coming. Just hold on for me."_

"_Just hold on…"_

The shame that came from that event has followed me. My body is destroyed, no longer holding any ounce of beauty Sora might have seen before. Every day I feel the welts on my face, caused after I passed out. They are horrible and ugly to the touch. I can't imagine what they look like. I can feel the skin grafts on my legs. The abnormal skin will cause deep scars, repulsive and hideous. I can't imagine ever being with Sora intimately. He would be disgusted by my body. Absolutely revolted.

But I don't have to worry about that now, seeing as Sora wants nothing to do with me. I should've expected his anger, but I grew selfish. I assumed he would always care for me, which is such a foolish assumption. Why would anyone willingly suffer through my mood swings, my anger and despair? No, this is something that I have to deal with myself. The problem is I can't. Whenever I deal with it myself, I think of ending it all. The bottom line is I hate myself. I hate my fucking existence. I was a fool in the past to hold so much pride. What was that pride for? My life is worthless. I have nothing to be prideful of.

I should've realized that I was hurting him. But I can't tell you how much it hurt for him to touch me. I feel so unclean next to him. He has always been cheerful, happy, and loved. I've always been sad, lonely and unwanted. How could I ever be worth anything to him? Especially now that I'm so completely broken beyond repair?

With Roxas, I can somewhat relate. In the mornings, he would come visit me and I slowly learned about his past. He told me how he struggled with his sexuality and how his brothers would bully him, mentally and physically. He told me how he was once ganged up on at school and forced to strip for their amusement. He told me how he was constantly harassed for being what he was. It was kind of him to relate such personal things, and I felt closer to him immediately.

Though Roxas hasn't experienced half the horrors I've experienced, he's experienced some. And it helps to know that I'm not the only tainted person in this world. With Sora…well Sora is so perfect. He has the perfect life, had the perfect parents. He was never judged for being himself, he was praised for it. He was loved by almost everyone. He's never experienced any of what I've been through. I find it so hard to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him. He'll always tell me I'm beautiful, or I'm just putting myself down. But, he doesn't really understand. He won't ever truly understand. And to be honest, I don't want him to. No one should go through what I've been through.

Today I'm being released from the hospital. I still cannot see well, I can only make out shapes. The nurses don't know that no one will be here to pick me up; they think Sora or Roxas is coming. I haven't heard from Sora since the incident, and I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon. And Roxas hasn't spoken to me either since that night. It hurts, but I deserve it.

I can hear the smiles in the nurse's voices as they lead me down to the lobby. They wish me good luck and then hand me over to another nurse, a male nurse with a friendly voice. He leads me outside, and asks me what car I should be expecting. I tell him Sora's car make, because I don't know what else to say. A few minutes later he says he spots Sora's care model and leads me to a bench where he wishes me good luck. I assume he believes that said person in the car was going to come and get me, but I know it's not Sora. It's just an identical car.

I stare out into the distance, slowly making out shapes of large and small gray moving figures. People. I figure I better get going, before the nurses ask me why I'm out here. I stumble in the snow and shiver as I'm not wearing a coat or boots. I don't know where to go, and I frankly don't care. If I die out here, then I die. Life has turned into that. If it happens, it happens.

I stumble around, and then decide to follow a gray form. Gray forms mean safety. I walk for god knows how long, freezing my ass off and dying inside with every step. The sky is getting darker, as my already faint vision is getting worse. The gray forms suddenly start to disappear and I realize that I am now alone.

I approach a solid gray form, a building and lean against the wall. Little pinpricks of ice start to hit me and I realize that it's started to snow. I shudder and plop myself down into the snow and close my eyes. I have no strength to carry on and nowhere to go. I have no home, no parents and no friends. I'm probably going to die out here tonight, and I don't care. Life has suddenly turned into something else. I feel like a coward for giving up, but I don't have the strength to keep moving.

The wind picks up and a wrap my arms around my legs. It's snowing full force now, and my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb. I lift my face to the sky and let the stinging cold snowflakes hit my skin. For some reason, I feel at peace. I'm in my element. Cold and Silver. I should be happy. But no, I want warm and tan. I want warm and tan to come and pull me out of my element. I want to lay by the fireplace and be held in his strong arms as this storm rages outside of the windows. That's what I really want. But I don't deserve it. No, I don't deserve it.

I resolve to counting the snowflakes that fall on my face. One, two, three, four….two-hundred fifty six, three hundred…

I soon lose count as my mind slips from reality.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. One of my reviewers mentioned I should do review replies so I replied to a couple of the past chapter's reviewers, but I wasn't able to write everyone back. If you leave a signed review for this one, I will most definitely write you back. I'm going to try to get everybody this time.

Hope you enjoy.

XX

When unrequited love is finally returned, it feels as if the heart's butterflies are standing in applause.

XX

Yesterday was pure hell. It was the day following my blow up on Riku, and I've felt like utter shit ever since. I couldn't sleep last night, and I deserve it. I still cannot believe I said what I did. Yeah I was stressed, but that doesn't justify anything. I hope to god I haven't ruined our friendship, but I've most definitely ruined any chance of something more than that.

The nurses told me that Riku would be released today, and I'm going to pick him up despite what happened. He has no one, and even if he did, I'd still pick him up. Yes he probably hates me, but god do I love him. I can't leave him there or wait for someone else like Roxas to pick him up. He's my love and goddamn it I'm going to make it right with him. Or at least try.

Six o'clock is when I need to go pick him up. It's four o'clock now. Plenty of time to think about what I'm going to say. I'll start with apologizing, but I know it won't be enough. I'm going to have to work extremely hard to gain his forgiveness, but I'm willing. That's for sure. He'll probably not want to talk to me and want to be alone. He'll probably get angry and yell at me. He might even tell me he isn't going home with me. I hope he doesn't do that. I need to know that he's safe. And safe in my opinion is with me, where I know where he is 24/7.

I let my thoughts wonder and stand up from the couch. The apartment is a wreck. The furniture that was broken during the attack was confiscated as evidence leaving bare spots in the living room. In my constant stressed state, I haven't replaced any of it. Among other things, we're in need of a coffee table and a replacement rug after the blood from Riku's wounds stained it. The thought of what happened makes my stomach clench and I bite my lip to keep from getting emotional. As much as I've tried to forget what happened, I can't. I will never forget seeing him so helpless and tortured. I will never forget that night.

I briskly run my hand through my hair to help clear my thoughts of what happened. I need to focus on getting this placed cleaned up. Before I know it, the house is in top notch shape. The time flew by so fast that I realize I'm running a few minutes late. I grab my keys and rush out the door. I don't want Riku to sit in the lobby for too long; he deserves to be home safe and warm. Especially, I realize as I walk outside, on a night like this. It's blizzard weather. I frown and make my way as fast as I can to my car. My trip will be delayed because of the snow.

It takes me an hour to reach the hospital when it normally takes me twenty minutes. Parking is crazy as people are slipping, sliding, moving too fast or moving too slow. I can't believe I haven't gotten into an accident yet. The minute I step out of my car, I slip and have to grasp the hood to break my fall. An elderly couple walks by and starts chuckling. How embarrassing.

It takes me a few minutes to reach the building because the blizzard is steadily picking up. The warmth of the hospital is so alluring at the moment that I can barely stand it. Once inside, I notice that there are a lot of people here. I force my way towards the information desk. I have no idea where to even start looking for Riku.

"Excuse me." I say, trying to get the attention of middle aged looking nurse behind the counter. She ignores me, and continues talking to the nurses behind her.

"Ma'am, excuse me." I say again. I hate it when people ignore me like this. I don't have time to stand here and listen to her babble with her friends. I need to get Riku home.

"What, Sir." The woman snaps, glowering at me from behind her thick glasses. I'm not in the least bit intimidated.

"I'm looking for my friend. He was supposed to be released an hour ago. I'm kind of late because of the weather."

"Look sir, do you not see all these people? I've got them to deal with, I can't help you."

I frown and step away from the desk. There's no use fighting with an already unreasonable woman. I take the elevator and push my way through more people before I reach the area of the hospital Riku was treated in. I immediately spot one of the friendly nurses and walk up to her.

"Susan?" I ask, to get her attention. The woman turns around smiles at me.

"Oh, hi Sora." She looks tired and stressed, but still as cheerful as ever. "The blizzard has shut down the train station and all the buses. These people are stranded here till we can get transportation up and working again. Did Riku leave something?"

My heart thuds in my chest. What does she mean by Riku leaving something? "Um…isn't Riku here? Or downstairs?"

Susan frowns and shakes her head no. "Our records show Riku checked out about an hour and a half ago."

My heart starts thumping quickly, making my body shake in response. "Did he leave with anyone?" Please tell me he left with Roxas. Please tell me he left with Roxas.

"No, the nurse said he left with you."

Oh my god. Where is he? Where could he have gone? Could someone have taken him? Axel is still out there, fucking hell. Did Axel take him?

"T-thanks, Susan." I turn and leave, ignoring her calls or questions on contacting the police. The police wouldn't be able to help, not in this weather. By the time this storm clears up, Riku could be dead.

I race down to the lobby floor and begin my search there. Up and down the long hallways I walk, looking for Riku's telling silver hair. There are people everywhere. People sleeping in chairs, children fussing under their worn out mothers eye, men leering at nurses. But no Riku. Everyone has blond, brunette, black, red or gray hair. But no silver white. I feel like I'm wasting my time and leave the building after searching one last hallway.

The storm is horrible. I can barely see where I'm going. My body is screaming at me to go home and cuddle up near my fireplace, but my mind could never allow such a thing. I won't be cuddling up to any fireplace unless Riku is right there next to me.

I find my car quickly, to my surprise, and inch my way out of the hospital parking lot. Where could he have gone? The words tumble around in my mind before coming to a screeching halt.

He's blind.

If no one took him and he merely left on his own, he couldn't have gone far with his blindness. He has to be around here somewhere, if my assumptions are correct. I pull into the street and inch my way down the quiet road. No one but a few trucks used to clear snow are out. It's hard to see anything so I park my car on the side of the familiar road, and step out. I shiver. The temperature is dropping quickly. If Riku is out here, he could be dying. He doesn't have the proper clothes to be out here and he's far from healthy enough to survive extreme cold.

I walk down the street in the direction of a café I used to go to. Maybe the shopkeepers have seen him, or overheard some information from their customers. I reach the end of the block and cross the street. As I approach the first building at the start of the block, I notice silver standing out among the white snow. It startles me and jump in surprise. Maybe I'm just seeing things. Maybe it's just a pole or fence. My curiosity and growing desperation gets the better of me. I walk as fast as I can towards the silver and gasp when I finally see what it is.

"Riku…" His name falls out of my mouth as a collapse in front of him, touching his shoulders with my both my hands. I expect him to be unconscious, as he looks deathly pale. When I touch him, though, his eyes snap open.

"Sora…" He mutters, staring me directly in the eyes. I briefly note that his eyes no longer look glazed.

"Fuck, what are you doing out here?" I rub his shoulders, trying to garner any heat I can. "Why did you leave the hospital?"

Riku swallows slowly and blinks snow out of his eyes. "Thought…thought you weren't going to come."

I frown and shake my head no. "Don't you ever think that again. Despite whatever happens, I'll _always _come and find you. I'll _always_ be here for you."

He looks up at me and searches my eyes for honesty. I hope to god he can see the sincerity of my words in my eyes. After a moment, he nods and closes his.

"It's cold…" He whispers, leaning into me when I cup his cold cheeks. God, he's freezing. I have to get him out of here.

"Hey, we've got to get home before this storm gets worse. We'll talk when we get home. Come on."

I help him stand, slowly. His body is stiff and freezing to the touch. I hope he doesn't have frostbite. I can't wait to get him home and in front of the fireplace.

I wrap his arm around my neck and guide us slowly down the street. I would carry him if I could, but I don't want to risk dropping him. The ground is extremely icy and a fall could break his mending bones easily.

After several near falls, we make it to my car. I ease him into the backseat before running around to the trunk. Last year during safety week at work, Kairi made me put a first aid kit, a jacket and blanket in my car in case of emergencies. At the time I thought it was stupid, but now I am thankful to see the warm, fluffy white blanket. I grab it and walk back around to the backseat door.

"This should warm you up a little until we get home." I murmur, wrapping the blanket around him. He whispers a barely audible thank you, before cuddling into the white mass. I resist the urge to kiss his cheek. We haven't talked and though he doesn't seem angry with me, he could be deep down. He's probably too shocked from the cold to really care.

It's slow going, getting back home. We pass several major accidents on the way, barely escaping two of our own. The need to be home and safe from this storm is building and I can feel sweat starting to line my body. I don't want to crash. We need to get home safely.

I nearly swerve off the road when Riku suddenly gasps in pain. I look into my rearview mirror to find him clutching his head.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I ask him quickly.

He glances back at me in the mirror and shakes his head no. "I…I think I'm just defrosting." The corners of his mouth twitch at this before he groans again. "Fuck…"

Despite the seriousness of the situation, my mouth twitches as well. Something about the word defrost throws me off.

I breathe a deep sigh of relief when I finally reach my apartment complex. I carefully easy Riku out the car, being careful of his sore skin and walk us towards the entrance. The butler look s at me like I'm crazy, but I don't care. I can't tell you how relieved I am to be back home with Riku.

When we finally enter my apartment, we both visibly sigh in the immediate relaxed atmosphere. I'm glad that Riku does not seem outwardly bothered by being here. I was expecting apprehension and fear, seeing as this was where he was attacked, but he doesn't appear nervous in the least. He stumbles over to my couch and immediately cuddles into the cushions.

I'm not sure what to say now. I know I need to apologize, but I also know that Riku needs a warm bath and some food. I weigh both options and decide on apologizing first. There's no need to put this off any longer. I need to explain my horrid action from two days ago.

"Riku?" I ask, as he's currently closing his eyes. He opens them and looks at me, and for some reason I just now realize that he can see me. Well, I knew that he could when I first found him, but I brushed it off because I was so worried.

"Can you see me?" I ask him, walking to sit beside him on the couch. He nods and grabs one of my throw pillows. He's nervous.

"I…I'm so sorry about the other day. What I said…what I said was unforgivable." Riku glances away as I apologize, and I know he's probably going to ignore my apology. I shouldn't feel mad though, because I deserve it.

"I-I'm sorry too." He finally says, tentatively touching my wrist with his finger tips. Well I wasn't expecting that at all. I was expecting him to be angry. But apologizing as well as well as touching me? No, I wasn't expecting that.

"What are you sorry for?" I ask, entwining my fingers with his. Something similar to a jolt of electricity runs through me at the touch.

"I'm sorry for whining and being pathetic….and stupid and annoying." He says, carrying on with the self negatives. I halt him with a squeeze to his hand.

"You're none of that. I was so wrong to call you or imply those things. I was stressed, and I let that stress get the better of me. You didn't deserve to hear any of that."

To my utter surprise, Riku smiles at me. A tiny, pained one but it's still a smile. And then he suddenly leans in and presses his lips against mine. I struggle with the idea of pulling away or deepening the kiss and finally surrender to the latter. His lips are so soft.

I don't why of all things we're kissing. We're supposed to be angry, to be hurt, and to be confused and sad. But, all I can feel is happiness. All I can feel are his soft lips against mine and his arms wrapping slowly around my shoulders. I pull him closer to me and into my lap and hold him there, running a hand through his snow wet hair. I hold back a moan as he tentatively brushes his tongue against my lips. Deep down I'm scared. What if this is a repeat of the day on the couch? Why is he being so open and…well, comfortable with this after hating my touch for so long?

I pull away and Riku's expression changes to one of hurt and rejection. "R-Riku…" I stutter out, not knowing what to say or do. "What, what do you mean by this?"

Riku frowns and looks down at his hands. "I…do you still love me?"

I immediately nod followed by a verbal yes. I don't want him to ever think I don't love him. Never. "Of course I do. I'll love you forever."

Riku nods and tugs nervously at his cotton hospital pants. "U-um…well I sort of…well I love you too."

The butterflies that had been awoken when we kissed erupt in a full out battle. Those words, god, those words that I've been longing to hear from his lips for so long, he's finally said. Those words that I've always heard directed at Axel are finally directed towards me. The world suddenly seems so much brighter. My life suddenly means so much more. My love is returned, and it's the best fucking feeling in the world.

"For real?" I gasp out. I'm sure I sound like a lovesick fool but I don't give a damn.

Riku nods nervously. "Yeah I…I do. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

A feel a smile break out on my face and I tug him back into my arms. "Don't say that. I don't want you to feel rushed."

Riku moves around in my lap for a few seconds before settling his forehead in the crook of my neck. I bite my lip when he starts kissing the skin below my neck. Part of me wants to hold back, because I don't want to get excited and scare him off. But, he doesn't seem intent on stopping and I sure as hell won't stop him. I'll join in for good measure. I wrap my arms around his lower back and lift his soaking wet t-shirt to rub his back. His skin is freezing, but god does it feel so good. I lean forward and kiss the corner of his ear. The feeling of his kisses and him shuddering in my arms is so erotic and amazing I nearly let lose it. The urge to make love to him is growing steadily, and I know he's nowhere near ready for it. I reluctantly pull away from where I'm suckling on his ear and look him in the eyes.

"Hey…you're freezing…" I mumble, brushing his damp hair out his eyes. Riku nods and shivers in response.

"Let's go take a bath." I say, before realizing the extent of my words. My face heats up and Riku's face is doing the same. "Uh…I mean, you should take a bath."

Riku suddenly smirks. It's so odd seeing hints of his former self appear out of nowhere. It's like the old Riku is fighting to come to the surface but keeps getting forced down by his insecurities. That thought is pushed out of my mind as Riku speaks his next words.

"We're both wet, Sora."

With that, he stumbles off in the direction of my bathroom. I race behind him, grabbing a couple of towels and two changes of clothes. When I enter the bathroom, I hold back a blush; Riku is sitting on the side of the tub, testing the water in only a pair of black boxers. Despite all of his scars, he's so beautiful. I've seen Riku undressed before, but now it's different. Now that he loves me, and it's out in the open, it's like seeing him undressed for the first time.

"Stop staring…" Riku whispers, looking away from me. At first I'm confused by his request, but then I notice the familiar look of shame in his eyes.

"Riku you're gorgeous…I can't help it." I tell him, honestly. Riku flinches and folds his arms to his chest, obviously trying to hide.

"I can't see what you see in me."

"Well then I won't stop saying these things until you do." I walk over to him and pull him gently to me. From his sitting position, his head rests on my stomach.

"You're such a sap…" He chuckles out, after a moment of silence. I crack a smile. I am a sap.

I reach over his head and turn off the water before it overflows. I awkwardly play with the hem of my shirt as Riku looks at me nervously.

"Um…we can leave our boxers on…I guess." He says. I immediately nod. I don't want this to be awkward in the least. All I want to do is hold him in my arms and kiss him silly for hours. Awkwardness doesn't fit into that scenario.

I strip off my pants and shirt and Riku blushes and bites his lip in response. "You're very beautiful yourself."

I smile at his compliment and he seems relieved. Although in my mind, only Riku is beautiful. I can be handsome or attractive, but never beautiful. Riku will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. I could never compare.

Riku turns around in his sitting position and hops into the tub. I follow him in and we sit opposite each other in Indian style. Riku makes the first move, to my surprise, and grabs my wrist with his good arm, tugging me towards him. After a bit of wiggling around, we finally find a position that's comfortable for the both of us. I have Riku wrapped in my arms as he rests in between my legs facing me. My chest is against his chest and the warmth radiating from his body is ten times better than the warm water surrounding us.

I don't know how long we sit there, lazily kissing each other and whispering sweet nothings. I never want it to end. The events of the day come to mind, and I can't believe that hours earlier I was frantically searching for Riku in a blizzard. For once, things have gone right.

He leans his head up from my chest and kisses the bottom of my jaw and I sigh in happiness.

I don't care if this sounds crazy, as there is a blizzard raging outside of my apartment. I swear it feels like the sun is shining on me. Everything just feels so much brighter.

Because, for once, everything is perfect.

XX


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: This chapter is short. Some might be disappointed. But in my opinion, it would be _too_ fluffy if I added more. I am horrible at writing fluff. It is not my strong point, so hopefully this was ok.

Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate them.

XX

It's so cliché, this whole situation. It's ridiculously romantic and extremely sap filled. It's soft, warm, fuzzy and simply bliss. It's annoying in its perfection and scary in its reality. It's everything I thought I'd never have.

The environment, for one, is something that I am not accustomed to. I'm not used to warm rooms. When I was young, rooms were always cold as to save money for more important things like weekly cocaine. When I was with Axel, the floors were cold. Made of tile, they retained the bitterness of winter to an extreme degree. And I know this personally, because I was often forced to sleep on them. Nights when I'd move too close to Axel in bed were cold nights. All I could feel was the biting pain of a kick to the gut, cold air and then freezing tiles. If I dared move from that spot, I'd have hell to pay. But there isn't an ounce of cold in this room. This room is warm. The blankets are so soft I feel like I'm floating on a cloud and the fireplace adds to the heat as well as my favorite cider, Sora's cider.

Then there's the intimacy. I've never felt so close to someone in my entire life. It's not just physical closeness; it's emotional as well. I feel safe and wanted. I feel like I could say anything and be embraced with open and receptive ears. I feel that if I fall asleep, I'll wake up to this amazing warmth shadowed by ocean blue orbs. I feel wonderful and cared for. And I hope to god that the thoughts of this past evening won't haunt me again.

And lastly, there's the touch. The gentle touches still catch me off guard. They're foreign, and I still don't understand them. It's so easy to hit and to strike, but so hard to hold a steady hand and just caress. I wonder how he does it so well. I wonder why he isn't rough. I wonder why each move, though growing in passion, remains gentle. Sometimes it hurts to be touched so carefully. I feel more important than I really am. More special than I really am. I voiced this concern to him, but he only touched my softer. Someday I'll understand his thinking and his reasoning. Someday.

"This is so cliché…" He whispers with a chuckle, voicing my earlier thoughts. I smile at him and nod in agreement. Yes, it is cliché, but it's the perfect cliché. It's the cliché that everyone loves to hate, but when in it, wouldn't give up for the world.

"I love you…" I whisper, leaning close so my lips are nearly gracing his. It feels so good to be held like this. My spot in his lap is so comfortable, and it's even better since we're facing each other. The pile of blankets that surrounds us on the floor is like a cocoon of warmth, but his arms are far better than they'll ever be. His arms are wrapped around me, holding me to him as he looks at me with an expression similar to adoration. I wrap my legs around his waist and sigh in complete happiness. Because I'm completely and utterly happy.

"I adore you." He whispers back, kissing my lips lightly. And then he kisses me again, and again, and again. Light little kisses around my lips. Tiny little butterflies that disappear as soon as he moves away. A little pattern of love floating across my face. His butterflies move upward. They grace my nose, then my cheekbones and finally my eyes, which I close with a shudder in delight.

"You have freckles, princess." He says, kissing a spot under my eye. Freckles? The thought is hazy. I'm too busy being distracted by his kisses to care about the blemishes on my face.

"They're so pretty…." He continues, kissing down my cheek. "And you have so many…I don't think I can kiss them all."

My eyelashes flutter involuntarily at this. He's been kissing my barely noticeable freckles. They're so light, you can't see them unless you're as close to my face as he is now. They're something that I've always found a bit annoying, but now, I think I've fallen in love with them. Because Sora has decided they're worthy of individual kisses. God, I love this man.

"I have more…" I say, feeling a sense of naughtiness spread over me. "Other places…"

Sora smirks and looks me in the eyes. "Oh really? What _other_ places are you talking about?"

My face heats up and I bury my face in his neck. "Oh…you'll find out someday."

Sora laughs quietly and moves us so we're lying down, facing the fire. He spoons me from behind and proceeds to place more kisses on my exposed neck. "Ah…found some more."

I giggle like a lovesick school girl and close my eyes to the brightness of the fire. He stops kissing me after a few minutes and relaxes next to me, absently stroking my arm.

"Please…" He whispers, suddenly sounding grave. "Please don't ever consider…don't ever think about leaving me like that again…please."

My heart sinks as I know what he's talking about. I don't know how he knew what I was thinking, but he knows that I was considering suicide. It must have been my body language or something, because he definitely picked up on it.

"I…I'm sorry." I choke out. The onslaught of tears is fierce, and I struggle to hold them back. My throat starts to burn in its effort to hold the back. "I…I'm just…I'm having a hard time." I admit to him. And it's true. This apartment and Sora are my haven. They're my safety. Outside of his arms and these walls, I feel so alone I want to disappear. They're not healthy thoughts, and I know I need help, but right now I don't want it. I just want Sora. I only want Sora.

"I know, sweetie…" He murmurs, stroking the short hairs above my neck. "I think we'll all feel a lot better when Axel and those men are behind bars. But…I also think you need to meet with someone."

I knew this was coming. I know he means well, but the thought of speaking to a stranger about such personal issues is unnerving. The fact that they are paid to listen to me makes me feel like a paycheck and not a patient. With Sora, it's different. Sora cares for me, and he isn't being paid to show affection and care towards me. He does it on free will because…he loves me.

"I…can we talk about this later? I don't want to ruin this." I tell him honestly. I don't want to think about this right now. I want to just relax here in his arms and whisper sweet nothings into the night. The world outside can wait.

"Of course." Ever so considerate, I'm grateful Sora does not persist. His patience is one of the things I love most about him.

We lay in silence for several minutes, and I'm just settling down to doze off when Sora shifts and speaks up. "I just want you to know..." he twirls a few strands of my hair and kisses my neck, "That wherever you may go…I'll always be at most, five minutes behind you."

His words strike a chord in my heart. It's both a promise and a threat. It's a promise of love that will never wander, love that will never fail. A love that will hold me in my weakest moments and embrace me in my strongest. A love that will never weaken or break into pieces. It's a promise of commitment. And then there's the threat. It's also a threat of a broken heart that will remain broken. It's a threat that means if I were to go by my own hand, so would he. It's a threat. But it's a good threat. It's this threat along with this promise that will help me survive the upcoming days. It's so similar to a vow, that I actually believe it is. A vow of dedicated, deep, and ever flowing love.

"Be mine…?" His next words drift into my ears.

I don't need to think of an answer. I already know it.

"Be mine."

My identical answer to his question signs the deal and he smiles into my neck. I think I might just float away. It's _that_ perfect.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: So, midterms came around and I couldn't even fathom writing a new chapter. I'm just coming off four tests in the past four days, so this chapter is short. It's basically filler, but it does have a meaning. There is information in this chapter that is essential for the future chapters. Enjoy more fluff.

OO

"There's just something about a lover nursing you back to health. The simple act makes the heart grow three times its normal size. But the new space isn't empty; it's filled with a deeper love for said lover."

OO

The blizzard has hammered the city for five days now. The snow falls day in day out, rarely lightening up on its intensity. People are literally snowed in, as the snow has piled against the doors of most buildings and homes. Power outages have affected most of the city, and the only way we can get updates on the weather is from our battery powered radio. Supermarkets have closed, despite the city's desperate need for food, warm clothing, and portable space heaters. The radio recently reported the deaths of two elderly women across town. I desperately hope this storm clears up before there are even more deaths.

Our power went out on the second day of the blizzard. Normally, the no power scenario drives me crazy. I hate having no electricity. I can't use my stove, warm or cool the house, or see anything past six o'clock in the winter. But right now, I begrudgingly call it bearable. Being trapped inside of this apartment has some benefits. Riku being the cause of all of them. I've learned so much about him in these past few days, it's exhilarating. Now that our relationship is on a more intimate level, the walls that often guarded Riku's heart have crumpled away. The sweet nature of Riku is finally showing through in its entirety. Ever since we've been friends, he's been friendly. But now, he's just so kind and loving to the extreme. It's almost angelic. It's also a little scary.

It surprised me at first that Riku wasn't bothered by the lack of electricity. He simply works around it. When I freaked over the stove not working, Riku merely clucked his tongue and found a match. I never knew you could light a gas stove with a match before then. When we ran out of some prime ingredients, Riku improvised with substituting. We've had some very strange, but very tasty meals lately. Because my fireplace is electric, it has also become disabled. The apartment is the coldest I've ever felt it. When I could barely stand the cold much longer yesterday, Riku told me about insulating the windows to keep in heat. He also ironed the blankets with my battery operated iron to give me instant warmth.

I got to thinking last night, as I held him in my arms, why he knew so many survival tactics. I could only come to one conclusion being he had to use them several times before in his life. Riku once told me that he spent most winters alone as a child. His parents would often stay at a nearby crack house, so as not to pay bills on their own home. It saddens me to think about a small Riku surviving on his own in a freezing, empty home. But its things like that that have made him so strong today.

Although most of his injuries healed while in the hospital, Riku's eyes and legs still bother him. He can see now, which still surprises me at how suddenly he got his sight back, but they tire easily. I often find Riku closing his eyes in exhaustion. Sometimes he'll sleep, if only to relax his eyes. His legs are always in pain. I try to keep him off his feet as much as possible, but he's a stubborn person. He told me he doesn't want to rest another moment, after staying in the hospital for so long. He tries to hide his pain, but I can see the grimaces and hear the beginnings of a held back gasp.

Despite the difficulties he's facing, Riku's demeanor has changed considerably. Sometimes I'll catch him holding back tears; usually it's those times he's faced with a mirror. He still can't handle the scars on his face. But besides those few instances, Riku has been nothing but a sweet and caring person. A prime example of this is now. This morning I've woken up to the worst headache and sore throat I've ever experienced in my life. It's so painful I feel like crying. My head feels like it has rocks bouncing around in it, and my throat burns with every swallow. It has to be symptoms caused by the cold, I'm sure.

"R-riku…" I croak out, reaching for him across the bed. Riku turns sleepy eyes on me and smiles. His smile changes to a concerned frown when he takes in my pained expression. He sits up on one elbow and reaches his other hand across the bed to touch my forehead.

"Sora? Jeez, you're cold…" He says, his voice sounds deep and gruff from just waking up. He pulls himself up completely and scoots over to my side of the bed. I try to crack a smile, but my head and throat hurt too much.

"What hurts?" Riku asks me, maneuvering me so my head is laying in his lap. Just that small movement sets off a string of vicious poundings in my head. I let out a groan to which Riku makes a small concerned sound.

"Uh…my head is killing me…and my throat." I moan out, my voice muffled by the pillow I am laying on across his lap.

Riku sighs and runs his fingers through my hair. "I knew this was going to happen. You don't take the cold very easily…"

I nod in affirmation and relax into his caresses. It's an odd feeling, lying here in his lap. The past few months I've been the one to comfort and caress. Though I don't feel like the leader in the relationship, I _have_ been the one leading most of what we do. I won't ever think of our relationship as having a dominate lover and a submissive lover. The thought of it is restrictive. I don't always want to be the strong one, as I don't always want to be the one relying on the strong one. And, if we ever do take our relationship to another level, I wouldn't want to be the one in charge in bed all of the time. An equal sharing of control is something I think both of us would appreciate.

"We're out of medicine, so do you mind some home remedies?" Riku asks with a light chuckle, stroking my hair back, gently. I look up into his beautiful aquamarine eyes and sigh. God I could look at those eyes for…well forever.

"Sora…?" Riku asks. He has an amused smile on his face and playful sticks out his tongue. "Ah…you're spacing out again, killer."

Despite my head killing me and my throat burning, I smile. I love Riku's pet name for me. He's suddenly taken to calling me 'killer' for some reason. I'm not sure why, but I really don't care. Killer and Princess. It works for us.

"I'm sorry…" I croak out after a minute. "I'm just…eh…dunno." Speaking makes my head feel worse. The feeling of a bouncing ball in my skull intensifies and all previous pleasant thoughts leave my mind. I feel horrible and I hate it.

Riku sighs and scoots out from under me. I idly watch him as he leaves the room and faintly wonder what he's doing. I close my eyes after a few minutes, hoping that the lack of sight might help my headache. It doesn't.

Riku returns about five minutes later with several warm blankets from the iron and a mug. Before he wraps the blankets around me, he feels my forehead and cringes.

"Jesus Christ you're freezing…" He mumbles, wrapping the blankets around my shoulders. "I don't know how else to warm you up…"

I let out a groan in answer and bury myself in the delicious, though very temporary, warmth.

"Lovie…" Riku says, shaking my shoulder. I peer out at him and notice the mug.

"What's that?" My throat hurts so bad I think its closing up on me. God I hate this. I hate being sick.

"It's a remedy, cayenne pepper and apple cider vinegar. It's absolutely disgusting, but it should help."

At this point, I don't care about the taste. I need relief and I need it now. I reluctantly pull out of the warmth to sit up. Riku sits next to me and helps me up. Even though I can do it myself, I don't protest. It's nice to feel cared for and babied every once in awhile.

Riku hands me the mug and I look into it apprehensively. The liquid is brownish red with little orange flakes floating around in it. It looks absolutely revolting.

"Drink it; it'll make you feel better." Riku says, rubbing my arm softly.

I nod and tip the mug back. The mixture burns going down and I struggle to control my gag reflex. It's nasty and extremely spicy. It only takes a few minutes, though, for me to feel the effect. The spiciness of the cayenne pepper is stronger than the burn in my throat, and after a few more moments it turns into a soothing burn. The undertones of the strong apple cider vinegar aids in soothing what was once an almost unbearable sore throat.

"Feel better, lovie?" I nod and rest my head on his shoulder. My head still aches, but at least I don't have the combination of both. Riku seems to have remembered that I have a headache, as he slowly maneuvers me so my head is back in his lap.

"Stay still, ok?" He says softly, running his hands along my temples. I nod and he proceeds to massage my forehead, temples and scalp in a slow and soothing manner. I sigh in complete bliss when the headache starts to ebb, giving me the relief I so desperately want.

"God…Riku, you should be like…an alternative medicine doctor or something…like maybe a herbalist. Or a massage therapist…something new age and sexy." I know I'm mumbling nonsense, but Riku seems amused and lets out a light laugh in response.

"I've actually thought about going into herbal medicine. I prefer it over traditional medicine, you know."

"Yeah well…you'd be rich if you did." My voice is slurring and I think I'm about to fall off to sleep.

I'm almost on the brink of falling into nothingness, when the lights pop on and the sound of the TV rips through the apartment. I don't really care though. Riku's warm caresses are way better than electricity could ever be.


	22. Chapter 22

***A/N: This chapter was posted about two weeks ago, but I took it down. I didn't particularly like the direction it was headed in and debated changing it. However, I think I've finally figured out the direction I want this story to go in, and this chapter will stay. This chapter (what is revealed) however, will be a subplot and not a main plot. Warning, there is lots of angst ahead. Anyway, sorry for confusing some of you with the chapter alert that didn't lead to a new chapter.

XX

It's so hard to get back up when you get forced back down in the process of standing. We human's cannot bear continuous bouts of rage and fear. We will eventually break

XX

I didn't hear about it on the news. I didn't read it in the paper or overhear the office buzz. I didn't know something had gone down until I walked in my apartment door that night. By then I was used to the familiar face of the rookie policeman who guarded my door. It was the only way Riku felt safe with me leaving everyday for work. Although he still loved my apartment, he was frightened. The police guaranteed his safety, and thankfully they were sensitive to our case. I expected snickers and jokes about Riku being a male victim of rape, but I never heard one. The middle-aged police chief we spoke with was very understanding and sympathetic with Riku's case. He assured us that a police officer would guard our apartment door until Axel and the other men were arrested.

Well, the following day the policeman would not guard our door. There was no need to anymore.

I came home to silence. This unnerved me and I almost had a mini-panic attack when I called Riku's name and he didn't answer me. I raced to the bedroom, hoping and praying that he was ok. I burst into the room and to my relief; there he was, sitting unharmed in the middle of our large bed. However, my relief turned to worry when I took in his appearance.

He was visibly shaking, his hands wrapped unbearably tight around his knees. His face was buried in said knees and I could hear muffled sobs coming from his pathetic form. I instantly assumed he had been hurt and ran over to him. I lifted his face from his knees and gently stroked his wet cheeks.

"What happened? Did someone hurt you? What's wrong?" I asked hurriedly, I didn't see any visible injuries. In fact, he looked better than he had in a long time.

His beautiful eyes finally opened to look me in the eyes and he bit his lip nervously. "They…" He started, but trailed off when my eyes narrowed.

"They? Who's they?" The thought of someone hurting him again after all that he'd been through left me with murderous thoughts. We already had enough problems as it was.

"The…the police…" Riku pauses to rub his eyes free of some lingering tears before he continues. "Um…they found them…Axel and another guy."

My heart nearly burst with happiness at that simple sentence. All the pain and suffering my beloved Riku had gone through wouldn't go without justice. They were caught. They were going to _pay_. I wanted to jerk Riku from the bed and dance around the room with him, but I wouldn't, because to my dismay Riku seemed upset. Part of me was angry with his tears, but then again I didn't know the whole story. Still, I wished he would smile. I wished he would be happy that he was finally safe.

"That's…that's great." I said breathlessly. "How…? Where are they?"

Riku swallows and looks down at his hands. A sense of foreboding comes over me as he glances back up at me with those broken aquamarine eyes. "They're dead."

I didn't know what to feel. My mind divided into two primal emotions at those words. Rage and shock.

I can't explain the anger and rage that rushed through me at that sentence. Dead? They were dead? What the fucking hell? They were supposed to be alive! They were supposed to face their punishments; they weren't supposed to get the easy way out. The part of me that was shocked was confused. Axel dead? It didn't seem fitting to him. I felt like he should have lived for some reason. I felt like he would be the type to never apologize and rot in jail. Not die.

I collapsed slowly to the bed and simply sat there with my hands twitching every so often. I knew I should talk to Riku, because I then knew why he was struggling. But my own hurt, my own pain, overtook that urge. I was so angry yet so hurt at the same time. It hurt to know that Axel would never be punished for torturing my lover. It hurt to know that Riku would suffer the mental wounds of abuse and rape the rest of his life, and no-one would be held accountable for it. It hurt to love someone so much that their hurt became my hurt. His pain was my pain. And right now he's being tormented and thoroughly abused by his own mind. And my mind was hurting me as well.

"He shot himself…he knew they had found him…ran into the bathroom, into the shower, turned it on full blast and…boom…he's gone." Riku's whispers were haunting and so very heartbreaking I nearly burst into tears myself. He sounded so lost, so cut-off from the real world. So let down and hurt.

"The other men, the one they found in my apartment was dead…he killed himself too…or maybe Axel did, they don't know. The other two were arrested…" Riku's eyes watered and he looked desperately at me, as if silently asking me to comfort him.

I immediately pulled him closer to me while at the same time letting out a deep sigh. "He's a fucking coward. A fucking stupid-ass cowardly bitch." I growled out, despite rubbing his back as gently as I could.

"I…I can't believe I let him hurt me like that…when all along all he was just a pathetic bastard." He choked out, shuddering every few seconds.

"Shh…don't say that…you _did_ leave him, sweetheart. He came back with a pack of dogs…there's no way you could have fought them all alone, no matter how strong you are. Don't blame yourself."

Riku was obviously still upset and pulled away from me abruptly. "I…I just hate…I hate that he took the easy way out…and I still suffer every day with thoughts of…thoughts of doing what he did…"

At those words, I started to cry. I pulled him so close to me that I swear I might've accidently bruised him. My heart was aching with sadness for the man in my arms. My best friend, my lover. Hearing him confess to me his thoughts of suicide was one the hardest things I've ever had to hear. I knew he had thought about it before. I saw it in his eyes the night I found him in the blizzard. But right then, I knew it had gotten worse. The thought of finding his dead body one day nearly made me scream in agony. It was then that I understood the full extent of his abuse. It was then I knew he wasn't anywhere near healed.

I begged him, I pleaded with him. I told him that I wouldn't survive without him. I told him that I needed him so much it was probably unhealthy. I told him that if he killed himself, I would be a shell of what I used to be. I begged until I fell asleep in his arms, my comfort turning into his comfort of me.

XX

It's been two weeks since the news of Axel's suicide, and we've slowly but surely made the steps to move on. In a week it will be Christmas, and despite not being religious people, Riku's therapist has urged him to celebrate it. He's started seeing a young woman named Aerith who specializes in abuse and rape victims. I took a lot of prodding and several arguments, but Riku finally decided to start seeing her regularly. I can see several signs of improvement, but he still has a long way to go.

The two men who were arrested are awaiting trial and we aren't certain if we have to testify or not yet. Riku doesn't want anything to do with them, and neither do I. We won't think about that now, though. Right now is good. Right now we're decorating the apartment with stupid, yet endearing Christmas decorations. I don't want the trial to interrupt this moment.

Riku is chatting loudly over the cheesy holiday music playing in the background. He isn't talking to me but to Roxas, who has once again appeared in our lives. Part of me wants to dislike him, but I can't. He's suffering just as we are, and it isn't fair for him to suffer alone. He came to our apartment the night after the news on Axel. It was nearly midnight when I heard a tentative knock at our door. I opened it to reveal Roxas, his eyes red and his cheeks stained with tears. Despite our hostility, I pulled him into a hug and told him it was going to be alright. He stayed the night, and then the next night, and then the next. Honestly, it feels like he's practically moved in. For some reason…I don't mind it.

They're talking animatedly about gifts and holiday food, and the conversation makes me smile. I'll have to thank Aerith for suggesting this. I haven't celebrated Christmas since my parents passed, and I don't think Riku's ever celebrated it. His eyes are alight with a childish joy and I realize that this is something he's always wanted. Christmas was always something he used to talk longingly about.

I watch them as they happily string lights around the large tree we bought last night. Riku is picky with the arrangement and Roxas simply doesn't care. He wants to put the bulbs on while Riku wants everything to be perfect. I smile as Riku hits Roxas across the head and yells for him to go away. Ah, the Riku I used to know is slowly but surely coming back to me.

"Riku…baby, they're not going to lay in perfect lines." I say with a chuckle. Riku scowls at me and huffs in annoyance.

"Shut up, Sora. I'll _make_ the lay straight." He struggles with the branches for a few more moments and I take the time to wrap my arms around his waist from behind.

"You and this tree are really cute together…" I whisper in his ear, kissing the shell twice as I know he loves ear kisses.

Riku blushes and pulls away from me slowly. "Sora…we're not alone." He whispers back, eyeing Roxas who is watching is with a look of sadness, affection and loneliness. I suddenly feel bad and a little confused. He doesn't look jealous…it's more of a look of longing. A thought slowly comes to mind but I push it away before it can confuse me even more. Riku smiles at Roxas apologetically and reluctantly passes him the rest of the lights.

XX

I can't fall asleep easily most nights. Riku's nightmares have faded away mostly and he sleeps like a baby almost every night. But I can't. Though the happiness of the upcoming holiday distracts me during the day, Axel's face plagues me at night.

The anger I feel about his death will not cease to leave me alone. I can't seem to get over his suicide. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurt something and I struggle to keep my fists to my sides. I will not risk hurting Riku in my rage. After struggling to maintain control of my emotions for several minutes, I give up and get out of my bed.

I head to the kitchen, hoping to make some tea to calm my inner being. The anger is spiking every step I take, and by the time I reach the kitchen I'm about ready to explode. My anger bubble is punctured when I come across Roxas, sitting at the kitchen table with a warm mug of tea in his hands. He looks tired and deep in thought.

"What are you doing up?" I ask, gruffly.

"I can't sleep, just like you." Is his simple reply. He takes a sip of his tea before gesturing over to the pot of tea on the stove. "You can have some if you want.

I nod in thanks and grab a mug before sitting down across from him. "I…I can't stop thinking about that fucking bastard. He's dead. He's fucking ash in a pot on his mother's fireplace mantel and I still can't get over it."

Roxas nods with a sigh. "I still think about him too…but you have to forgive and move on."

I seethe at the word forgiveness. I will _never_ forgive him for what he did to Riku. "I can't…he hurt him so badly…"

Roxas nods and bites his lip. "I…I know how you feel."

His comment bothers me somewhat. How could he know what I feel? It wasn't his lover that was beaten, abused and raped. It isn't his lover who suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts. It isn't t his lover that is suffering unimaginable pain.

"No you don't. You have no idea how I feel." I snap, gulping down some of the hot tea. I hold back a grimace as I scald my mouth. I'm about to stand up and leave, having grown annoyed with the blond in front of me, but his voice stops me.

The next words out of his mouth shock me to my core and I nearly choke on the tea still in my mouth. His words make my mouth run dry and my body feels limp. I feel like someone has attacked me and my territory on surprise. I feel threatened.

"I love him too, Sora." He says, looking me dead in the eye. "So yes, I do understand how you feel."

The little happiness in my life suddenly disappears and all that's left is rage and fear.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I haven't written in forever. Had a major writers block and my interest in KH has diminished greatly. I'll still finish this story though, as I hate to leave things unfinished. This is a short chapter, so bare with me please…that is if anyone is still reading this.

XX

The minute I wake up I can feel the tension hanging in the air around me. Last night had been fairly uneventful, as all I did was decorating the apartment with cheesy ornaments and argue with Roxas. However I can't help but feel I missed something or something happened without me knowing it. My first inclination to this is Sora's absence beside me. Sora and I haven't slept apart since I returned to the apartment from the hospital. As much as I hate to admit it, he's like my safety blanket and I'd rather not sleep at all if I have to sleep without him. I guess I've become spoiled by his affections. The second inclination to something amiss is the quiet argument I can hear from the kitchen. It's muted, as if they're trying to keep from waking me or something, but I'm a light sleeper and it's silly of them to think I wouldn't have eventually heard their voices.

I glance over at the alarm clock besides the bed and notice that it's earlier than I assumed at first. I figure that I might as well dissuade whatever argument they've involved themselves in this time, as the sooner I do that the sooner I can go back to sleep.

I ease myself slowly out of the bed, mindful of the painful burns on my legs. I swear I don't think they'll ever get better. They burn at the slightest movement and make walking a living hell. I try not to think back to that night when they were burned, along with the causing of so many other injuries, but it's a daily reminder of what happened. A daily reminder of my hell on earth. I try to hold back the onslaught of memories but it's no good. I can't help but let out a pitiful cry of frustration and fear as I remember that horrific night. I know I shouldn't feel so scared anymore because the perpetrators can't hurt me, but I can't seem to convince my mind that I'm okay.

As if my mind suddenly felt like torturing my already weak mental state, I start to see things, shadows mainly. I know they're not real, I know it, but for some reason it _feels_ real. I stumble from my bedside and out into the hallway as fast as I can, hoping to get somewhere light before the feeling of helplessness overtakes me. I make it as far as the living room before Sora appears out of nowhere and grasps my shoulders.

"Hey, hey what's wrong? Are you alright?"

I nod, and collapse on the nearby couch. I feel like barking at Sora to leave me alone, which is irrational and rude, but I feel silly and stupid for my mini panic attack and want to be left alone to wallow in self pity. Roxas, who I've just now noticed is stroking my hand, looks at me with his worry-filled big blue eyes and asks me if I'm alright as well. I feel like I'm suffocating.

"I'm fine guys…" I mutter, shrugging Roxas's hand away and moving Sora's hands from my shoulders in the process. "I um…it was kind of stuffy in the room so I…well I just needed some air."

"Oh, ok." Sora murmurs, ignoring my obvious need for space he wraps his arms around my shoulders and tugs me into his side. Roxas frowns at him and Sora appears to be…smirking? Well, this is the perfect distraction to take the attention off myself.

"Is something wrong?" I ask them, while shrugging out of Sora's possessive hug.

"Nothing." Sora starts, running a hand through my hair. I really wish he would lay off right now, I'm in serious need of some serious space and his persistence is starting to aggravate me. "Roxas seems to think he can take what's mine."

I can't help but freeze at those words. What's his? Please, god, don't tell me he's referring to me. The mere thought of being someone's "possession" again is enough to make me want to throw up my dinner.

"You don't own him, Sora." Roxas bites out, staring at Sora coldly.

"Shut the hell up, Roxas. Riku's mine, he'll never be yours."

My mind suddenly feels cloudy and my palms start sweating heavily. I'm no one's. I don't want to go back to that place where I feel like I have no rights, no say, no opinion. I don't want to be 'someone's' in that sense. I want to be loved, but I don't want to be owned.

"I…I…" I stutter out, feeling both cold and unbearably hot at the same time. Roxas and Sora continue to argue over me, ignoring my attempt at a break in their conversation. Sora's face is getting red with anger and Roxas's language has suddenly turned vulgar and harsh. I feel trapped and ignored, being fought over like a piece of meat.

"I…no one fucking owns me!" I yell, surprising myself at the force behind the words. I snap up from the couch, despite the horrible pain in my legs, and stumble across the room to rest against the wall.

The room is silent, horribly silent. Sora's face which was previously beet red is now a ghostly pale color. He seems horrified and Roxas doesn't look much better. 

"Oh my god…I didn't mean it like that…" Sora whispers standing up quickly and crossing the room. Before he can wrap his arms around me, I reflexively cover my face. I don't know what makes me do it. I haven't flinched or cowered in awhile. Something about this night is bringing back horrible memories. Memories of being shoved against walls and being beaten to the ground. Memories of being punished for raising my voice, punished for walking away. Axel is dead, but his ghost will forever haunt me.

"Riku…" Sora trails off, he reaches out for me but I push myself back against the wall. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to look at me. I'm so sick of this, all of this. This helplessness, this fear, this constant state of worrying Sora is always in. I'm sick of being so scared to fucking do anything, I'm tired of living in the past and I'm tired of fearing the future. I'm so fucking _worn out._ So I'll stop. Somehow I'll stop these feelings. If it takes my whole fucking life, I'll find myself again. I'm getting better, I know, but I have a long way to go. Therapy and Sora's love won't fix me completely. I'll have to relearn how stand tall on failing legs. I'll have to learn how to walk without looking at my feet and how to state my mind without relying on my vocal eraser, the words "I'm sorry". I'll have to learn how to smile for the sake of smiling and how to dance for the sake of moving. And most importantly, I'll have to learn how to fall down, break to pieces, glue myself back together again and stand back up. All by myself.

"Please…I need space." I tell him, staring him in the eyes. _I refuse to flinch. I refuse to use my hands as shields._ I repeat these thoughts in my head as Sora's eyes fill with sorrow. I chance a glance over at Roxas and he looks thoroughly depressed.

"I'm sorry…I am _so_ sorry." Sora whispers, pulling his hands back to his side.

"I'm not yours Sora. I love and care for you deeply, you're my boyfriend, my lover, but you do _not_ own me." My voice sounds firm and final. It's been years since I've heard myself. So many years of hearing this actor playing myself, I almost believed he was me, but not anymore.

"I know I don't…Roxas…" Sora looks over at Roxas and Roxas looks away in the other direction, refusing to make eye contact with either of us. "Roxas says he loves you…I…I guess I just got really jealous and possessive and I lost control. I know I don't own you. I never will. I'm so sorry it came out that way..."

Sora's words surprise me greatly and I look over at Roxas who is still refusing to look at us. "Is this true…?" I gasp out, all confidence mellowing into an uncomfortable curiosity. Roxas loves me? As more than a friend?

"I can't help it." He mutters after a few moments of awkward silence. "You're so…beautiful…and different…"

His words are kind, but they're painful. I do not return his feelings but I hate to hurt him. Roxas has always been kind and sweet to me, he doesn't deserve heartbreak. I glance at Sora who looks as if he is about to lose something dear to him. I realize after a few moments that that something is me.

"I…I'm sorry…I don't um…I don't feel the same way…" My words tumble out and I resist the urge to butter it up and make it sound better. He deserves the truth, and Sora doesn't deserve to be played.

"I know." Roxas says softly. "I think…I think maybe I should leave."

The same urge bubbles up again and this time I almost can't fight it off. I long to run over there and hold him to me, to tell him I'm sorry, to say I love him back but that would only be a horrible lie. I hate to hurt people. I hate being the cause of someone else's pain.

"I love you and…it's too painful being here, knowing that you'll never love me back." Roxas says, standing up and crossing the room to where I stand. He pulls me into a gentle embrace that I return immediately. He holds me for several moments before lightly kissing my cheek and pulling away. "I'll um, I'll be leaving in the morning. Good night."

"I really am sorry, baby." Sora whispers to me in the darkness of our room. "I never want to hurt you like that fucker did…and it was something he would have said, which makes it worse."

I pat Sora's arm to comfort as well as to shut him up. "It's ok…" Honestly, I had totally forgotten about that incident until he mentioned it. I cannot get the image of Roxas's crushed face out of my mind. My heart burns with pain and guilt. I can't sleep.

"You alright..?" Sora whispers, pulling me closer to him so that my head rests in the crook his shoulder. Despite not wanting his touch earlier, I need it now. It doesn't do much to ease the guilt, but it does provide comfort.

"No." I tell him honestly. No use in lying, he'd have just bribed me till I was forced to spill.

"Why?"

"I hurt him. Badly. And I hate to hurt people."

Sora sighs and runs a hand through my hair gently. I lean into his touch and bite my lip to hold back the frustrated tears that have sprung into my eyes unwelcomed. "I know you hate hurting people…but he'd be even more miserable if you lied to him and he found out. How do you think he'd feel then? Betrayed and furious most likely."

"I bet you're happy that he's upset." I snap bitterly. I'm not a fool. I saw Sora's possessive smirk earlier. It was just screaming "I have him and you don't. It was mocking…and cruel.

Sora grumbles and removes his hand from my hair. I frown as he moves over to his side of the bed and turns his back to me.

"No. I'm happy that you chose me over him. That you love me instead of him. I can't help but feel that way Riku. I don't wish unhappiness on him, though. I just don't want his happiness to be with you."

I don't answer him. I know he has a valid point, but I don't care to appease him with my understanding. The guilt I'm feeling is horrible and I know it's wrong, but I want Sora to feel a little bit of that guilt with me.

We both won't sleep tonight.


End file.
